


Remembrance (and Forgetting)

by slinden



Series: In Between Memories [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, In Between Memories was my low-budget Indie flick and this is my big-budget monstrosity, Missions Gone Wrong, Possible Character Death, Pregnancy, Rescue Missions, Romance, Sequel, This story is going off the rails folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2019-09-13 05:08:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 29
Words: 61,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16886199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slinden/pseuds/slinden
Summary: After three months, Rey returns to the Resistance but with an unexpected and surprising companion. A mission looms in the distance, but no one knows if they can trust the man now calling himself Ben Solo instead of Kylo Ren. A follow-up to In Between Memories told from multiple perspectives.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You asked for it, I'm going to try to deliver! Again, writing in-verse and for other characters is something I'm still *gaw* about, so comments are very much appreciated :)

 

Rose Tico felt like she had spent the last two weeks in a holonovel. She had a minor role in it, to be fair, but it was still like she was watching it all unfold in real time.

And part of her desperately wanted to change the story that was being told.

The first few hours had been filled with excitement and relief. Rey had reappeared with a message after a three-month absence with scarce contact. She had left on a simple scouting mission that shouldn’t have taken more than two days, and then she had just vanished. From the makeshift base on the green-cliffed planet of Xantoo, they had sent out feelers across the galaxy, trying to avoid First Order detection. The tides had gradually been turning, but losing Rey so mysteriously put everyone on edge. General Organa, after squinting at a star map, suddenly tossed out the idea of a world that would prevent her from leaving; Poe Dameron had jumped to his feet and rambled off a few names before coming to Kirth’ria. That was when the general locked eyes with him and nodded, sending him out to scout the planet. After brief contact, he’d been turned away. When he returned, he told them about what he knew and didn’t know. Rose felt both happy and worried about overhearing this information.

That’s how they found her, under quarantine by the xenophobic protectors of the poison world.

They didn’t know that she had company.

The relief on Poe and Leia’s faces went serious and the leadership closed ranks after the first real transmission. It wasn’t normal procedure and that was the first sign of trouble. Everyone was in the dark, sometimes literally due to the rolling power outages from the ancient generators that they had forced into working order. Rose had mostly focused there, trying to ignore Finn’s constant pacing outside of the conference rooms and in their quarters. The different crews working around the base all had different ideas about what was going on; the maintenance team was on the lowest rung of the ladder and had to hear second-hand information from the pilots, who heard from the scouts, who had their unreliable contacts.

The rumour was that Rey had killed Kylo Ren. He’d vanished from the First Order; Hux had taken control, but hadn’t assumed the mantle as Supreme Leader. Their intelligence was good, but only went so far.

That idea was quickly dashed when they called the mass assembly, held just hours before the _Falcon_ was due to arrive. She’d never seen a group of people both eager and dreading the information.

Rose had hung near the back, feeling her place affirmed in the order of things; Finn sat in the front row. When the news was delivered, she had to physically stop him when he tried to storm out.

Rey had _turned_ Kylo Ren and he was returning with her. That was it. That’s all they were told.

Everyone scrambled and pretended to have somewhere to be or a very important task that would keep them near the hanger bay, but also trying to look obvious.

Rose would have laughed if the tension throughout the base didn’t grip everyone by the throat. She rolled her eyes and sent off a thought to Paige, who would have surely tossed her head back in laughter.

There were never secrets here and now, suddenly, the people who they trusted to keep them informed looked worried, wandering the halls with closed mouths.

The sensation of laughing transformed into a feeling of wanting to scream

No one, not even Chewie, was allowed to see the ship land. But Finn had been so angry that Rose needed to see if it was true. She was quiet and no one noticed her, especially him in his single-minded stubbornness. Just wanting to help, she knew exactly where to hide in the hanger bay and purposely positioned herself in the vent with her hands over her mouth to keep from squeaking. She sat there for over an hour before someone appeared in the dim light of evening.

It was only Leia on the bay floor, and Rose had leaned forward, straining to hear. She was talking to herself, periodically closing and opening her eyes. She rung her ringed hands together and then took a deep breath. Rose held hers.

Like a ghost from another time, the _Falcon_ landed and quietly and surely, both Rey and Kylo Ren emerged from the craft. She could have sworn that their hands brushed before exiting off the ramp.

But he looked different.

Rose hadn’t expected that he would look so different.

He looked stiff and afraid, glancing around the hanger with nervous eyes.

Leia had embraced Rey, who turned to face the large man as he lingered at the last step of the ramp. Rey said something and he nodded, shoulders looking more relaxed.

Then Leia stepped forward and he slowly took her hand. Rose thought she was going to faint from not breathing when he hugged her in turn.

Then Kylo turned his head towards the vent and whispered something to Rey who frowned and sighed. Leia took Kylo away, down one of the vacated hallways, and Rey had jogged up to her hiding spot to give her an annoyed grin.

“It won’t be a secret for long,” she had said, her face pressed up against the vent. “Just try not to spread too much panic, okay?”

Rey had sounded like herself and Rose had to try to keep the promise. She still hardly knew her; the few times that they had eaten together mostly ended in her leaving towards the end. She always made up excuses to be alone, or tasks that had to be completed by herself. Rose desperately wanted to be her friend, but it all came spilling out when she told Finn later that night. He had punched a bulkhead when she mentioned how she _thought_ that they were holding hands. He wanted to see Rey; he wanted to see both of them.

So Rose had messed up. Again.

The last three months of their relationship had been spent trying not to snap at him when he would bring up Rey every other conversation. They had separate bunks, but when she would lay in his arms, it wasn’t like before. Now, she was back and he went into a full tailspin.

In the two weeks since Rey’s return, he spent more nights in Poe’s quarters than their own.

She wasn’t jealous or heartbroken. It just felt empty. She was almost used to it by now.

They didn’t see Rey or Kylo for the first week. And they hardly saw Leia. The other leaders, Poe included, were in constant meetings and whenever anyone would ask about them, they would just shut their mouths and shake their heads. They were making up procedure as they went.

Then, there was another assembly at the end of the first week. Rose again hung in the back, but Finn was there too. She reached for his hand and he numbly took it, looking sullen. Who could blame him? Rose didn’t, but it was another drop into the void. That’s when she decided to pretend that she was in the holonovel. It was a way of putting the feelings somewhere else for a while.

Leia did all the speaking. Kylo Ren was now Ben Solo and was on their side to bring down the First Order. The room had the decency not to gasp, but the silence made the announcement feel even odder. This should be a victory; instead, it was just a man now wearing dark brown tunics instead of black. He was her son and while she didn’t beg for him to be forgiven, she needed cooperation. Ben looked emotionless throughout the entire speech. He was shifting his weight and toying with the hem of his tunic until Rey reached out to take his hand.

This was when the room collectively inhaled and Leia had to glance over her shoulder to see what everyone was reacting to.

She had only smiled and then returned to her speech.

Finn’s hand on hers felt like a vice. But she didn’t pull away.

And then another week passed before she saw them again.

Apparently, their quarantine had ended, at least to an extent.

It was in the mess hall of all places. She was sitting with the other maintenance workers, bemoaning how the shifts had been unfairly divided. They needed something else to talk about so _work_ was the decided topic.

The room hushed and someone tapped her on the shoulder and pointed. In the far corner, as far away as one could get from the masses, were Rey and Ben. Rose still didn’t know how to feel about calling him anything other than Kylo Ren, but wanted to listen to Leia. No matter how much it hurt.

She had lost friends and her world because of something that _man_ used to fight for.

She had lost her sister.

And now she was losing someone that she loved, day by day.

She thumbed the amulet around her neck as she watched the two from across the room. Rey had said something and saw a small grin spread across his face. Could monsters smile? She knew that they could wear many skins. Maybe now he was just wearing a different one.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Poe Dameron was expecting something different the first time that he sat across the meeting table from the former Supreme Leader. He had to lean forward a few times to make sure it was the same man giving them details about the overall plan he had apparently set in motion months ago, outlining weaknesses and strategies of the First Order. He wasn’t demanding their intelligence about the flaws that their spies had gathered, but instead would wait patiently for them to respond to a question. He would patiently _frown,_ but there was no menace. He rarely met anyone’s eyes, looking passed them at the walls. There was one instance that Poe caught his eyes and he quickly looked away, his jaw clenching.

He noticed a few times that his hand would slowly ball into a fist until Rey gave him an unreadable look. They would lock eyes for a few seconds until he nodded and sat up straighter.

What had _happened_ on that planet?

The only one that knew was Leia and she wasn’t talking. And it was unbelievably frustrating. Poe had been grounded for the last month, working more training new volunteers than being on actual missions; he was on edge for more reasons than the rest of the Resistance. The sudden lurch in the leadership of the First Order had meant a near standstill in open conflict, but they were regrouping and that was never good. There were reports of Republic sympathizers being taken, but there wasn’t much that they could do about that from where they were. Now they had answers, but that only left more questions when Kylo Ren showed up, apparently redeemed and begrudgingly fine with what was going on around him.

It didn’t sit right, no matter how he tried to swallow it. It was like a cough that wouldn’t come, stuck in his chest.

He finally caught the general alone after the meeting, cornered at the end of a corridor, and tried to give her his most charming smile.

“General, just going back to his command codes…”

Leia turned and gave him a half grin. “Nice try, Poe. What are you _really_ asking about?”

He nearly rolled his eyes. He’d been kept in the dark for too long. If he didn’t blow something up soon, he would explode himself.

“This whole thing, this whole plan…” he trailed off, feeling his irritation rise. “He can’t just show up like this and be a new person. Really? You believe all this? This could be some long game, a long con, that he’s playing with us and…”

She gave him a look of warning and his mouth snapped shut. He felt like one of his recruits when she looked at him like that.

“We need to tell our people something,” he finally spat out. “It’s been a week with just one announcement.”

“They know that we’re planning, and it will take time. Just keep feeding them the debriefings line,” she finally said, sighing lightly. “I don’t like keeping them in the dark either, believe me. But this is…delicate.”

“Because he’s your son or…” Another look of warning made Poe go silent. He’d crossed a line. The look from Leia could have frozen the desert wastes of Tatooine and Jakku combined. He gave her a bit of a frown and shifted his weight. “Sorry.”

“It’s a closed deal about that, Dameron,” her mouth set in a firm line. “Work with me on this.”

He sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. “Can we at least tell them what happened when they were gone?” He asked, the question bubbling up before he could stop it. “I mean, you gotta know.”

Her perfect lips shifted from a straight line to slight smirk. “You know the planet, Poe. What do you think happened?”

He raised a questioning eyebrow. “You mean the memory and quarantine stuff? So they don’t remember what happened there either?”

Leia looked annoyed. “You should really read reports rather than just skim them.”

She walked away even though he protested. Fine, he should read the damned report. He turned with the intention of doing just that as BB8 rolled behind him, chattering random details about the flight paths that they must have taken to reach the world. It was clear to him that Rey and Kylo had set up the meeting; that part he had understood. But did they plan on getting stuck there? Not having all of the information was like flying blind and shooting in the dark: you’ll end up crashing into something if you make assumptions.

His thoughts were met with reality as he bumped hard into Rose, exiting his quarters.

“Whoa, hey there,” he said quickly. “Sorry.”

Rose lightly wiped her eyes, which was a problem: a Finn problem. Great. “It’s okay, it’s fine. I’ll see you at evening meal.”

She ducked away from him and BB8 beeped, worriedly.

“Yeah, me too,” he answered with a sigh, mentally preparing himself before going inside.

Finn sat on the bunk opposite his with a firm look on his face, biting his lip. “Did you just see them?”

“Yeah, at the planning meeting,” he tried to shrug it off; there was no mention of bumping into Rose, but straight into Finn’s favourite topic. “She’ll come talk to you soon, buddy. It’s all about debriefings at this point. They’re keeping them locked up for another week. No personal meetings, other than with the general.”

“I just don’t get it,” he shook his head. “How can three months with a person change who you _are_?”

Poe studied his friend. Finn had changed in only a matter of hours for fighting for the First Order to fighting against them because of another person. And that person was Rey; even though Poe knew that he had been Finn’s first friend, Rey had been the one to draw him into the conflict. Building a bond could happen in the strangest of circumstances.

“She’s still your friend,” he frowned. “Even though her new boyfriend is the former Supreme Leader.”

Finn pointed an instantly angry finger in his direction. “Don’t _joke_ about that.”

Poe slumped down on his own bunk and shrugged, fiddling with a stray screw in his pocket. “It’s not even a joke at this point. His hand was on her back when they left the meeting. And I think that they can talk to each other in their minds. Kinda creepy to watch.”

He grabbed the nearest datapad in his messy quarters and called up information about the quarantine planet. It was mostly old information from Republic archives, but the procedures were clear when he actually took the time to read them. Somehow it was easier to focus on something else other than Finn’s unpleasant mood. He would go from keeping everything bottled up during the routines on the base to exploding in late-night ranting sections. Poe was endlessly patient, but knew that at some point Finn had to figure out what the problem was and why. And that advice wasn’t going to come from him.

“So, listen to this,” Poe finally said, clearing his throat. “ _As per the agreement between the Republic and the Protectors, offworlders of the human race are to be kept in comfort during their repose. The effects of the fungus will be kept from reaching the long-term memory through an effective and painless procedure. Memory will be restored if the offworlder so chooses once the quarantine has ended. If contact is made from the offworld during the quarantine, it will be only to provide evidence of progress._ I guess that explains that awkward transmission.”

Finn scratched his head and slumped back against the wall. “So, what? What does it mean?”

“I think it means that they didn’t know who they really were on the planet, or something,” he frowned. “Lucky we found her.”

“What about  _him_.”

Poe let the datapad flop out of his hand. “It’s weird, but not the end of the galaxy.”

Finn just huffed. He glared out the window at the small terrace that ran outside of the quarters’ section of the compound. It was a brief bit of sturdy green in a cliff-filled world. It was where their ground troops trained and pilots practiced emergency landings, now that they had down time. Poe had been out there to breathe a few times and just now wished that Finn would take a walk.

“Listen, buddy…”

“No, just,” Finn suddenly stood and raised a hand. “I’m having a hard time with this.”

“Well, yeah.”

Finn’s shoulders slumped. “Does she even know what _they_ did to us?”

Poe felt a twinge rising from somewhere within him. As a pilot, you have to trust your instincts. Things ebbed and flowed; fights were won and lost in a single decision. You need to trust your wingman. Rey apparently had a wingman, and so did Leia. He was never one to fall easily in line when things weren’t right. The Resistance was in his blood, but the sheer awkwardness of the situation wanted him to _rebel_ against the status quo. Until they got more information, no one was really going to relax, his friend especially.

He met Finn’s eyes firmly. “She knows. And she will tell you. _Once_ she figures her side out. Okay, Finn? Buddy?”

Finn just clenched his hand and left his quarters.

That was fine with Poe.

One night that he could have to himself.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

Finn’s shoulders hadn’t felt this rigid since the first time they dropped the stormtrooper armour on him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He was so focused on not knowing what was going on that he was stubbornly withdrawing into the irritation in his mind.

Deep inside, he knew that he was hurting everyone. It stung every time that he looked at his friends and colleagues, but part of him wanted to be selfish. He had rarely been that way. He had been raised to be compliant and never talk back. But here he was, refusing to have normal conversations with his friend and simple times of softness with his lover. Because he couldn’t control his jealously. Is that even what it was? Why was he feeling like this? Dealing with emotions weren’t really a high priority in the First Order.

There were so many things that he wanted to say to Rey, but he couldn’t get to her. There would always be a guard outside of whatever room that they were in and he had hardly seen her. She was so close, but she might as well be back on that damned planet that took her from him.

So much had happened. In the first few weeks when Rey was gone, there wasn’t a full panic. He had continued with his routines and his time with Rose was soft but also filled with awkward laughter and bad jokes. They both had tasks on the base and he was starting to enjoy the routine or working with others in shooting and strategy during battle. He wanted to tell Rey how he felt useful and that people respected him. But most of all he wanted to tell her more about Rose: how much he cared for her, how good it felt to have someone at his side. But now, how awful he had been to her.

Finn started to feel like he was going to explode.

They’d been back for two weeks now. He’d spent the last week annoying both Poe and Rose, changing rooms when he felt like it. But now, people were starting to see them, mostly in common areas, always under watch.

That evening, someone had spotted Rey taking things from her quarters when he was across the complex, discussing repairing old blasters. He sprinted across the winding, stair-filled base that had been built into the cliffside, but he had missed her by a matter of minutes. Connix, who roomed next door, heard him slam his hand into the bulkhead and meekly came out into the hall to hand him a datapad.

“She tried to wait for you,” she frowned.

He managed to give her a small smile before turning back to his quarters. Rose was reading on her bunk but sat up when he came inside. It was late, after evening meal, and she would be working the nightshift. He nodded at her and sat on his bunk, heavily exhaling.

“What’s that?”

He met her brown eyes. She didn’t even seem hurt when he looked at her now; she just looked oddly cold. Her patience wouldn’t be endless. The thought panged in his chest. What was he doing?

“It’s a message from Rey,” he held Rose’s eyes for a moment longer before looking down. “She was just here.”

Rose nodded, looking back down at her ‘pad. “I saw them in the messhall yesterday. No one talked to them.”

“You didn’t tell me,” he still hadn’t opened the message, not wanting to read what it said, but didn’t take his eyes off of the darkened datapad.

He heard Rose shrug. “You weren’t here.”

Sighing, he looked up at her again. “Listen, I…”

Rose just shook her head. “My shift is starting. I’ll see you in the morning.”

She smiled lightly, did up her jumpsuit, and left without another word. Gods, he needed to talk to Rey about this. Would she even know what to do? She probably would. She’d seen and done more than he ever had.

Finally, he opened the message.

_Finn, I tried to find you but they told me you were busy. It makes me happy that you’ve found work that suits you. I have so much to tell you, but they’re keeping us from being out for a little while longer. If I wasn’t used to it, I’d be going mad. But I’m just thankful to not be locked up all of the time in our quarters anymore. Please don’t worry about me. We’ll talk soon. I miss you._

The words that burnt in his eyes were _us_ , and _our_.

Flopping down on his bunk, he rubbed his eyes. He remembered hugging her after the battle on Crait. She’d been bloodied and burnt, but had saved them all.

Finn never really believed in destiny. His training had been spent ignoring the stories of people who were born to be something more than they were. The station that you were brought into couldn’t be diverted. But meeting Rey wasn’t just coincidence; he’d fallen into the wake of her journey into being something more than a scavenger. And he was more than a Storm Trooper. He also had a part to play in this.

Being on-planet for too long probably added to his general bad mood. Rubbing the back of his neck, he took off his boots and jacket. He settled for sleeping in his regular clothes, afraid of another blackout and freezing in the middle of the night. Pulling his blanket to his neck, he looked over at Rose’s empty bunk. What was his problem? And why couldn’t he really talk to anyone about this?

Tapping on the control panel, his room was cast into darkness. But it took hours to fall asleep.

He awoke to the terrifying sound of two lightsabers meeting.

He was the only person in that complex who knew _exactly_ how it sounded and more importantly how it _felt_ to be on the other end of a lightsaber strike. His hands shook for a second, before he heard the _distinct_ sound of a female voice crying out in pain. Panicked, he dove to open the small protective blind on his side of the port window.

In the green expanse that stretched outside of their quarters, stood Rey and Kylo Ren in the dim morning light. He was about to make a run for the exit when he saw him move to embrace her. His large frame seemed to swallow her up. Finn’s panic bled into a spike of jealously as he watched her kiss him.

She was supposed to be his friend. He didn’t want to share her.

But he had too. It hurt, but he had to.

He was such an idiot.

He watched Rey swat Kylo in the face and actually smirked when he dropped to the grass. They were talking, like normal people, not knowing that they were being watched. Finn felt both his anger at himself and his scattered emotions combine with his embarrassment that he was watching his friend and a person who she cared about sharing a private moment. Since coming to the Resistance, he was allowed to have those moments. What would a normal person do in this situation? That’s all he wanted to know. He kept watching Rey and Kylo as they lay down, side by side on the grass, holding hands.

Rey would still be his friend, even if he had to share her with a monster.

But someone like her wouldn’t be with someone who was truly evil.

Sighing, Finn shut the blind as the door to their quarters opened. Rose shuffled in, looking exhausted.

“Hey, you’re up,” Rose gave him a tight smile, then mumbled. “And still here.”

“Yeah, I’ve just been up, thinking,” he pushed himself to his feet. “I’ve been a total jerk the last two weeks.”

She quirked her head. “Yeah, you have kind of been one.”

“Can you, um, forgive me? For being a jerk?”

She sat down on her bunk and pulled off her boots with a yawn. “Can I sleep for a while and then forgive you?”

He nodded. “I, yeah, that sounds good.”

She gave him a small grin as she undid her jumpsuit. He sat down on his bunk again and met her eyes.

He still needed to talk to Rey, but he hoped that he was on track to feeling like himself again.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

It was the first time in two weeks that they were allowed outside. Not just to leave their quarters for guarded minutes, but _outside._

It was also the first time that she saw Ben truly unwind.

Stepping onto the grass made Rey feel alive, as she drank in the dawning sunlight of the early morning. Rolling the stress from her shoulders, she knew that there was a Resistance guard behind the closed door. At least they had at least the illusion of freedom. Everything felt suffocating, but now she could breathe again.

She glanced over her shoulder and saw Ben smile, his shoulders relaxing. They were gradually getting more autonomy, but they were still mostly kept on their own, in the quarters next to Leia. It reminded Rey of being on the planet, resting in his arms and sharing quiet moments before he would nervously start pacing. Then they would be hauled off to another debriefing or meeting with the Resistance leadership. Ben was always tense, reaching for her to keep from breaking in the earliest meetings; his anger would rise and she would have to be strong for him. The meetings were going too slow and he knew that the First Order was on the move. Rey hated the meetings, but Ben could command a room when he chose to. Now that was starting to, it was getting easier. But he would still stubbornly resist his own best intentions at times, which continued to weigh on her.

Rey knew how much he hated nearly every minute of their return, aside from the time that they spent together alone. But even then he would find times to complain about every other thing and then sulk in silence. She wanted to snap at him, but kept it mostly to herself. The only thing that kept them balanced was knowing that death was the only other option for him.

That was made clear from the intelligence that had been gathered. There was a bounty on his head; he had simply vanished, but was still considered a traitor to the cause. But news that he was with the Resistance hadn’t leaked. But it would soon and she dreaded his reaction.

She couldn’t lose him now, after all of this. He filled up her life like he’d always been there, both the good and the bad parts. She could almost picture him with her on the cold nights on Jakku and it made her smile.

But there were still so many other feelings that she hadn’t dealt with yet. And he was even worse at it.

He had given an emotionless and only partly true retelling of his choice to go to her in one of the first debriefings. He looked slightly exhausted at the fact that he needed to explain himself, but gave up the information after light prodding.

He had requested only two things from the First Order: his reserve craft and that it be brought by only two younger officers. He explained how Hux was at first confused, and then laughed at him, hauntingly. That was the only word that he let slip during the closed-door meeting with his mother and two of the other higher-ranking members of the Resistance. Rey didn’t know their names, but gave them firm looks to say that they should trust Ben. In his explanation, he said that the two officers—he had counted on their inexperience—had landed both ships, his and the one that they would take back, and had looked terrified at encountering him. They were weak and easily manipulated; but he let them live. He was supposed to lead them, but a quick touch of the Force sent them away ahead of him. That was when he took off to the _Falcon._ A Star Destroyer was in orbit, but not the new command ship. They would only have minutes.

“But why, Ben?” His mother had asked, leaning forward. “Why now?”

He had looked distant for a moment, then met his mother’s gaze. Rey saw how his eyes looked clearer for a moment and the tendrils of emotions bleeding through their bond went into a whirl of sadness and confusion.

“Han told me,” his voice was hushed, speaking only to her and ignoring the curious faces around the table. “I needed to go with the mother of my child.”

And that’s how their secret got out.

Leia hadn’t told anyone else, but it was a small base and the constant trips to the medbay would eventually give her away.

She was still wrapping her mind around the idea, but turned her mind to remembering his retelling of the escape differently to distract herself as she kept stretching.

It was after they’d cleared the range of the Star Destroyer and the scrambling fighters, jumping to lightspeed despite the protests of the hyperdrive, that he collapsed in tears and anger. His hands had been clenched so tightly she thought that she would see bone. He was losing himself in every minute that took them from the planet that had brought them together. In her arms, on the safety of their ship, he told her how his father’s voice had guided him back to her. He was shaking and sobbing, clinging to her; he was begging for forgiveness without knowing what he was saying or who he was saying it to. The First Order officers told him how they had found her ship and they were moving to attack. He left them alive but unconscious on the ground; he lied about that part to the others. He wanted them to be stranded on that planet like they had been, and annoy their captors once more. Despite his rising light, he still wanted revenge.

It wasn’t the first or the last time that she regretted her choice not to go with him.

He activated his lightsaber, bringing her back to the moment: the slowly warming sun, the gentle breeze against her cheek, and the steady sound of his breathing. The snap-hiss and the smell of the 'saber made the hairs on her arms rise.

“This was a good idea,” he smiled at her. He was back to smiling again. Rey’s heartbeat quickened as she gripped the hilt of her weapon. “My mother could only listen to me hit the walls for so long.”

He swung his blade through the air, watching it flow as he twisted the hilt. She tilted her head, returning his smile with a grin of her own.

“Neither could I,” she activated her own weapon and saw his eyes light up at it.

They were outside and free. Despite being watched, they were free.

So why couldn’t she shake the stubborn feeling that all of this might be a mistake?

He dragged his lightsaber across the ground and dared her to attack, offering her a mock bow. It was a welcomed distraction that she craved; being outside and the idea of sparring brought out his playful side. She returned the gesture, matching his stance before following it up with a fierce strike. There was no holding back, despite what the meddroids said. He blocked it and they quickly filled the green space with a duel of pent up frustration.

There was a part of him that she wasn’t used to yet now that they weren’t in absolute isolation. He could behave himself in meetings without being openly angry, gradually contributing more and taking a leadership role. Maybe he was good as the Supreme Leader? She remembered the most-recent meeting with pride; yesterday, he was almost charming when they were reviewing a plan to attack a new First Order fuel outpost the following week. Everything else they could take with them, but natural resources were a problem for everyone. He emphasized the weak points of the facility, but there were still too many unknowns at this point.

She channeled the energy from the meeting as she attacked him, recognizing his style more and more. He blocked one of her strikes, drawing her close to him. He briefly wrapped his arm around her waist, kissing the back of her neck. It was only for a second, but it made her shudder.

The first night on the _Falcon_ was spent cuddling. He seemed to trace every part of the space of the ship with remorse; it settled over them like a heavy blanket, needing quiet comfort. She didn’t know what to say; she could only hold him and try to balance out his feelings with her own hope.

Since then, it had been more and more physical. They had too much time alone in their quarters and he would kiss her passionately after every meeting, taking her down onto the bed until her body hummed. She realized that in order to lose the darkness, he needed more and more and her body was willing and wanting. But her heart was starting to need more answers than hard questions.

Thank the gods that they had their mind link. But that also clouded everything that she had originally cared about. She was starting to miss the days without memories. They could be angry at things that were happening, rather than events in the past. He was struggling, but getting better everyday. Still, Rey was torn between hating herself and loving Ben. He needed so much, and she only had herself to give. She had taken him from his life and handed him one that meant that he would need time to be comfortable. He wasn’t in charge here, but wanted to be.

But being out sparring had given them a bit of space. And it let her heart beat freely and her legs and arms stretch in much needed physical activity.

“Up higher,” he gestured, stepping away to correct her grip. “Like I showed you.”

She smirked, remembering their time on the planet with a burst of want. “Come here and show me.”

His eyes showed his feelings, and he winked, but he didn’t step forward. “You can do it.”

She moved her hands. And then they returned to fighting. It was nearly as beautiful as making love. He met her stroke for stroke, his hissing ‘saber meeting her stable blade. She let out a yelp when a strike of his got too close and he instantly stepped back. They were in a training mode, but it didn’t dull the sting.

He met her eyes, breathing heavily and deactivating his ‘saber. She followed suit, rubbing her shoulder.

His arms were around her instantly, pulling her into a tight hug.

“Did I hurt you?”

“You’ve hurt me worse,” she tried to smile. He returned the look, loosening his grip to step back from her. His hands drifted to her stomach, tracing a small circle. She groaned lightly. “Stop it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“That’s not fair.”

He kissed her neck and she sighed. It was almost like they were back home, but they weren’t. They were here. And it was real. His mouth met hers and she wrapped her arms around his neck. He had turned and they had a future that they both wanted but feared. His lingering anxiety bled through their bond every waking moment; she kept telling herself that she was strong enough to withstand it. But he had to help her.

He leaned in, and held her closer. “This is almost as frustrating as being _there_.”

“I know.”

“The people here don’t even hate me — they’re indifferent. I never expected that.”

She wanted to laugh, but didn’t. “It’s probably my fault — for some reason they have respect for me.”

A look crossed his face and he went back to his old self for a moment. “They have no reason to respect you; you’re a scavenger from nowhere who could lift rocks and, oh…”¨

She playfully smacked him lightly in the face. Ben stopped talking and gasped, falling to his knees and clutching his nose, looking up at her for sympathy. It was the most dramatic thing Rey had seen since he had stormed into the room to claim their escape. But now she was free to move and go to him. And she did.

“Stop it,” she said with a smile, nudging him with her foot.

“I’m in so much pain,” he mumbled, not meaning it, flopping on the ground to gaze up at her.

“I want to be back there,” she finally said, lying down beside him. He took her hand and kissed it before resting it back down on the grass. “But we’re here now. There’s no going back.”

“Well…”

She glared at him and he dared to roll his eyes, jokingly. She could sense him brushing her mind with tender thoughts.

Part of her was still there, in their house, but they were on the soft grass of the outcrop of the base. She gave him a look that made him soften more, openly touching her mind with a burst of love. She still didn’t understand how she had the power over someone who was so determined, but also so torn. She was guessing that it mostly rested in her belly, but here he was, meeting her eyes and daring to kiss her on the soft grass. It wasn’t snow. It was warm and they could breathe. But his kisses were the same.

He put his arm around her as they looked up at the sky as she snuggled against his shoulder.

“We could go back tomorrow. Forget everything again. Fall in love again,” he was lost in the fading stars and Rey didn’t know how to bring him back.

“Stop,” was all she could say. “I love you. We don’t need to do it again.”

Ben sighed. “We’re not free here. Your friends…”

“They don’t hate you.”

“They will.”

She took a deep breath. “When we can meet them freely, you’ll see.”

That was when he actually laughed. That felt like heaven to Rey. Ben was starting to get used to this, little by little, and she was home; what more did she need?

His hand touched her stomach and he sighed, happily. “My mother has suggested going off-world again.”

“It would be fitting,” she answered with an exhale.

“We can find somewhere safe.”

“I know.”

She looked up at the cliffs above her and suddenly felt like vomiting. It rose up nearly before she could react, stunning her like it always did. She brought her hand to her mouth and rolled to her knees to struggle away from him to expel her stomach contents over the edge. He was quickly at her side to rub her back.

“I hate this too,” she finally gasped. “Just take me back, Ben.”’

He pulled her hair back, making her feel beautiful in a moment of ugliness as she wiped her mouth. “You know we can’t do that. It was your choice.”

She shuddered off the last of her nausea, and forced herself to stand. Stepping closer, he looped his arms around her waist. She sighed, settling her hands over his. “At least I have you.”

“And I have you,” he whispered before he kissed behind her ear. “Always.”

She smiled, gazing down the cliff. If being on the planet was like flying, this was hitting the ground hard.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

Leia did not want to send her son on the mission. They had a carefully guarded secret in having him and revealing it now might not be the best tactic.

But she couldn’t keep him trapped there any longer.

She was waiting for them to come back inside. She saw how the pilot she had forced into guard duty was craning his neck to watch them through the porthole and frowned.

“You can go, Bron,” she lightly clasped the young man’s arm. “I can watch them.”

Bron shook his head, narrowing his eyes. “How can she be that close to him…”

He finally caught the look that she was giving him and nodded sheepishly, slipping back down the hallway. She shook her head at the young man’s back and steeled herself from looking outside. Despite all of the time that they spent alone, they still deserved their privacy.

Just over three months ago, she couldn’t have imagined all of this. Even in her craziest thoughts, she couldn’t have anticipated this situation. Her son was just metres away, nearly drained of the darkness that had claimed him for so long: all because of a woman who loved him.

Deep inside, she had felt it happen. He had been far from her but something woke her in the middle of the night, making her heart beat quicken. She thought it had just been the remnants of a dream, but the feeling grew throughout the days before Rey made contact.

When she had sat with them on the first night, she saw how her son was looking at Rey. It was like he needed her to breathe. She had changed too. It wasn’t just Ben, but Rey was different too.

She could tell when they were leaving parts of their story out. There were careful looks and she could sense the Force humming around them and another light, shining through in the space between them.

It was both beautiful and heartbreaking.

The door swished open and the pair entered. Ben’s arm fell away from Rey when he saw that she was standing there. He would sometimes have difficulties meeting her eyes; that was something she didn’t understand, but could let slide.

“Oh, Leia,” Rey said, turning on a small grin. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” she smiled lightly. “We have some things to talk about over breakfast.”

Ben’s face was neutral. “Do we?”

“Come on,” she motioned, ignoring the remark. Her hip was aching and she stumbled as she started to walk and was surprised it was his hand to reach out to support her. “Thank you, Ben.”

Again, he nodded. Rey was at her other side and gave her a small smile.

They were an interesting pair.

Breakfast was laid out at the table in her quarters. On days when she was feeling worn down, they’d hold many meetings there. Ben finally let go of her arm when they reached the door.

“Rey was ill again just now,” he said when they were inside.

“It’s normal,” Leia answered, sitting down. “What did the meddroid say?”

Rey looked uncomfortable, but sat down across from her. “Everything is normal. I’m…we’re fine.”

Ben bit his lip and gave Leia a look. She sighed and served Rey a cup of chai.

“He doesn’t want you to go on the mission,” Leia said. “He wanted me to tell you so you wouldn’t be mad at him.”

“What?” Rey looked from her to Ben, glaring. “I’m going on the mission, Ben. I’m not an invalid.”

“I don’t want you to be hurt,” Ben reached out his long arm to pour chai into his own mug. “You can’t go on every mission.”

“So you want me to be stuck here? And risk you getting injured or killed? Or captured? No, Ben. I’m going,” a determined look crossed her face as she locked eyes with him. “You need me.”

He slowly sipped his chai and then finally nodded. “I’ll kill anyone who hurts you.”

“Don’t, Ben,” Rey warned, taking for his hand. “We need to do this together.”

Leia finally saw him relax, reaching out with his other hand to snatch a piece of bread. He was eyeing the few jars of spread on the table, but still ate his piece plain. Leia leaned toward him. “Feel better now?”

He chewed on the food, looking at her. “Mother, we were held hostage for three months. And now again for two weeks. I’ll feel better when I can do something that doesn’t make me feel like a prisoner.”

Rey nodded, still looking annoyed by his attempt to protect her. “I feel that way also, Leia. We can hardly go to the mess hall by ourselves.”

“People are nervous about him being here,” Leia said, knowing that she was repeating herself. “Soon. After the meeting today, I’ll call off the hounds.”

Ben took another piece of bread, tore it in half and handed it to Rey. She accepted it with a small frown, carefully taking a bite before taking a spoonful of one of the sweeter spreads. Leia couldn’t put herself in their situation. Having so much time alone with someone built a deep bond. Being in that position without knowing who one was forged that bond even deeper. There were empty spaces that needed to be filled and they had clearly made a life together.

But now, it was different.

She would hear them talking through the walls, not loud enough to make out words, but could tell how frustrated they both were. His voice would rise and hers would meet it. At least she wasn’t backing down. It wasn’t fair to keep them from the average people in the Resistance, but there were many angry and afraid people there. Even though she knew everyone’s names, she couldn’t always trust their intentions.

If she could have her way as a mother, she’d send them both away to a friendly planet. But in her role as a general, she needed them both. The two sides of her were always in conflict and she wasn’t sure which side would win.

They ate in relative silence, only occasionally discussing the mission. It was more of an excuse to watch them than to plan on her part. He’d pass her things without being asked to, or she would nudge his cup away from the edge when he bumped it with his elbow. Just those small interactions made hope bloom in Leia’s chest. He would never go back from this. He’d come too far.

“I want to return to that planet and get my ship,” Ben said, taking them both by surprise. “There are plans and schematics that we’ll need that I don’t have in my head.”

“The First Order must have it by now,” Leia shook her head. “It’s out of the question.”

“No,” he argued. “We’re immune to the fungus and they’re not. And it would be to our advantage. Think _strategically_. That ship would draw all of the fire.”

“Yes, and you’d be piloting it,” she took a long drink of chai. “Unless you have another idea.”

“Use a droid. The annoying one — Dameron’s droid,” he sat back, challenging her.

Rey laughed lightly, trying to lift the mood. “We’re not sending BB8. There’s another way. And we’ll find it.”

“We’ll add that to the planning session this afternoon,” Leia said, standing. Again, her body ached but she fought against it. She was getting too old for this. “But until then, I’d appreciate it if you two could remain in your quarters. Just for a little while longer. This afternoon, I promise.”

Ben slouched lightly in his chair before giving a small nod. He stood and left, not waiting for either of them. Rey sat shocked for a moment before slowly standing.

“Rey, wait,” Leia reached for her. They had had few conversations without Ben in the room and she needed to talk to the young woman.

Rey turned, her eyes curious. The spark was still there, despite everything. “I’m fine, Leia, really. He’s just…overreacting.”

“He’s gone from being the Supreme Leader to being a partner and soon a father. Everything is an overreaction,” Leia sighed, shuffling to sit on the edge of her bed. “Let’s have a conversation.”

Rey shifted her weight from side to side and then slowly moved to sit beside Leia, tucking her hands underneath her thighs. “About what?”

“How you’re both happy and unhappy about all of this,” Leia started. “What really happened there, Rey? Why did he even need to contact his people if you were together?”

That was a part of the story that always bothered Leia, almost more than Han appearing to Ben before he did to her.

Rey was quiet, studying her boots. “It wasn’t always easy there. We would fight. There was…I was taken by the captors. The implant, the one that made us forget, something went wrong with it. Ben thinks that he did it. I don’t know what to believe, because he doesn’t remember doing it.”

Leia quietly nodded, watching Rey relive the memory.

“He never wanted his memories back. In the beginning, yes he did, but it was like he _knew_ what he was. I pushed him. I wanted to know. This is all my fault,” Rey’s lip almost quivered as she spoke. “We could be anywhere right now and be happy. I made him remember and I’m worried that he…resents me for it. He was so broken, Leia, when he left the Order. I didn’t know if he’d come back from it.”

“You had a choice?”

Rey nodded. “He wanted to take the chance. I just wanted…a home. But I had a home with him and now…now we have this.”

“And what is this?” Leia gently prodded.

A tear slipped down Rey’s cheek and she wiped it away as quickly as it appeared. “We have…we have us. He’s the first man I’ve ever truly been with, but he doesn’t know that. He…I never imagined someone could touch me like he does. But he’s angry and anxious. He’s always afraid of hurting me, but does anyway. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

Leia gently put her hand on the younger woman’s knee. “You keep loving him, that’s what you do. But give him hell the entire time.”

“I’m mad that he didn’t want me to go on the mission,” she shook her head, with a small smile. “But he’s right.”

“He likes to think he’s right,” Leia answered. “He’s like his father.”

“I keep thinking about…” Rey started then trailed off.

“Thinking about what?”

Rey kept her eyes forward. “What if I had accepted his offer on the Supremacy? I could have saved more of the fleet and we could have started this long ago and…”

“Rey,” Leia interrupted. “Let me tell you something. You can listen to your heart, your mind, or the Force. Luke, he listened with his heart before he found the Force. I’ve always counted on my mind, but the Force still whispers to me. It told me that my son would come back to me and thanks to you, and the Force, he did. You’ve read the Jedi texts; you know what they say about the future.”

“It’s always in motion,” she sighed, then brought a hand to her mouth and leaned forward. “Gods, how did you deal with this? I’m sick every other hour.”

“Talk to the medbay about it,” Leia squeezed her leg. “They’ll find something.”

“Kylo will insist that he…” she started then stopped. “Why do I keep saying his old name?”

“Because he’s still in there too, alongside Ben,” Leia gave Rey a long look and then nodded. “You’ve picked a hard person to love.”

“But he’s worth it,” Rey answered quickly and Leia couldn’t tell if it was meant for her, or reassurance to Rey herself.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Ben left, sensing that his mother would want to talk to Rey. She had looked more tired than usual when they met in the corridor and he didn’t know where to put his concern. Leia looked so much older than he remembered. They’d both seen so much death that he understood why she put on such a show that she could handle herself. But she couldn’t, not always.

He sat on the edge of the bed and impatiently waited for Rey to return.

Their room was small here, but still had plenty of space for him to throw his clothes everywhere. He sighed to himself, standing to tidy the space. He eyed the corner where he imagined the cradle would go, then dismissed the idea. They wouldn’t be staying here long. It was better to put that on the _Falcon_. They would always have that. And it was his now, he decided, when Chewbacca returned from the scouting mission.

He folded a tunic and frowned at his impatience. According to the meddroid, there were still well over seven months to go.

He had put everything in order by the time that she returned, wiping her eyes.

“What did she say to you?” He snapped, the moment he spotted the redness in her face. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” she smiled lightly, brushing his side as she walked past him. “We were just talking. You cleaned up. Thank you.”

She moved to the bed and kicked off her boots before lying down. He stood near the doorway for a moment before moving to join her. She was tired more often now, and sensed that there was more to all of this. His boots joined hers before he spooned next to her.

“I like moments like these,” she mumbled, pulling his arms closer. “They’re so quiet.”

“It’s like being home,” he answered, then sighed. “But this is home.”

“For now,” she took his hand and kissed it.

He let the silence stretch over them as he held her. He knew that he was being too hard on her, but had no idea how to sort it out otherwise. He would feel more balanced in the minutes after meditating, and then the unorganized machine of the Resistance would kick in. Most of them were volunteers, without any real planning or battle experience. He desperately wanted to be at _more_ of the useful meetings, and not just the ones that constantly felt like a stage for confession. After making love to Rey, he’d feel more whole and under control, but that solution wasn’t fair to them both. She was trying to hide her growing melancholy, but it still pressed through the cracks in her shields. He didn’t want to tell her that he had felt them, and knew that he was to blame. He would be in danger until the First Order was defeated. And right now, he was at risk amongst the people she had aligned herself with.

What was he supposed to do?

He was strategically important. He had answers to questions that the Resistance hadn’t even thought of. He was drawn to being in control and had to restrain himself from manipulating the weak-minded leaders who had been promoted too quickly because of only one or two successful missions. He was too quick to notice flaws; that was both an advantage and disadvantage, given how few people that they had and the equipment they were dealing with. He needed his ship; he would have to insist on that in the meeting.

“Can you stop thinking so loud?” Rey said, her voice heavy with sleep as she rolled over. “I don’t know if I can deal with it right now.”

He sat up a little, frowning. “You can tell me what’s wrong. I won’t read your thoughts.”

She sighed, shifting in his arms. Her eyes were unfocused when he looked at her. “I knew that this would be hard but…”

“I’m too much,” he interrupted.

“No, it’s not like that,” she answered, smiling lightly. “It’s everything that’s making you feel like this.”

“Once they let me do something, it will be better, Rey,” he smoothed her hair, trying to reassure her. “But I need to be better to you. You can’t take all of me and not share yourself.”

She briefly shut her eyes. He saw tears when she opened them again and it hit him in the heart.

“How can we do this? Have a family in this mess? We don’t have a home that’s safe. We’ll always have missions and it will always be dangerous. You _had_ a childhood and a family. I never had either. I don’t know what to do and I’m so scared,” the words spilled out of her mouth in a rush as she gripped his back. “Why does none of this feel right?”

He could only kiss her forehead and draw her closer. If this had been any other conversation, he would have argued about his childhood, but painfully pushed it aside. This was about her. “Is this because you thought that I would leave you?”

There was a long pause that made his feelings fall further.

“Yes.”

Leaning closer, he whispered to her, afraid that his mother would hear. “I didn’t want to leave our bed that night. But I thought that it was for the best. I thought that it would be the last time that we were together and it hurt to walk away from you. The Force was pulling me towards you and I tried to ignore it. I was a fool. I walked away from you twice, but I won’t abandon you again. This isn’t just about…our family. It’s about you. I never should have done that.”

She just nodded, but he saw her tears.

“I’m not like them,” he kissed her lightly on the cheek.

“No, you came back.”

He kissed her forehead and let her cry. It was like the last two weeks came pouring out of her and he held her, feeling guilt burn him from within. She needed time alone, but also hated the thought of being discarded. He’d done that to her again as he selfishly warred within himself. His father’s voice rang again in his mind: _Rey needs you, son. Your child will need you. Stop being so stubborn or you’ll end up like me._

“Marry me.”

She pulled away, looking at him with bewilderment. “What?”

“Marry me, tomorrow. Be my wife,” the thought gripped him harder than any earlier compulsion. “If you’ll have me.”

“Is this because of the mission? The baby? Ben I…” she slowly met his eyes as he shook his head.

“This is for you,” he rested his forehead against hers. “Only for you.”

He couldn’t see the emotions cross her face yet still felt them. She thought that she would spend her life alone on Jakku, growing old and sunburnt under a harsh sun with no one who cared about her. She had accepted that her family was gone, but still yearned from them. This was a new beginning; they had taken a strange path to get there, but she believed that he loved her.

He just needed to stop hurting her.

“Yes,” she finally said, grinning through her tears. “Be my husband.”

He kissed her softly, smiling as he felt something stir in his chest. It might have been the Force or something else, but he had to trust the warmth that spread through his body.

He was the cause of her sadness, but also brought her hope. That was how he’d fight against the darkness that always lurked at the corners of his mind.

He wasn’t a broken and empty ghost. He was going to be her husband.

The Force could give him this, despite how silent it had been over the last two weeks.

She suddenly laughed, pushing at him lightly. “Everyone will lose their minds.”

“Then let them.”

She rested her head on one of the simple pillows they had been provided with. Even the protectors on that damned planet had better comforts. “Maybe they’ll understand if we give them a celebration.”

“They need…something,” he smirked, playing with the edge of her tunic before meeting her eyes. His hand snuck under the fabric, touching the warm skin of her stomach.

She followed his hand up to his eyes. “We have a meeting soon.”

“We’ll be quiet,” he smirked. “The fresher.”

She bit her bottom lip, then grinned at him. “Take me there.”

He had become accustomed to having his own private space. These were clearly the former quarters of higher officers; his mother had been kind to force whoever had been living there to vacate so they could have their own private facilities. But it amused him internally to imagine having her in the common fresher with the rest of the numb faces of the Resistance walking in on them.

“I felt that,” she grinned against his lips as he lifted her from the bed. “I don’t think I’d like it.”

“Then we won’t do it,” he kissed up her neck, tasting the lingering salt of her sweat from earlier. He didn’t want to think that it was from her tears. “I don’t want to change you.”

Her hands were on his belt, undoing the brown leather. She kissed him deeply and he sighed at the feeling of her hands being near his growing arousal. “But you are.”

He tilted his head, taking a step back to rest his hands on her waist. “You’re changing me too. For the better.”

“Then this is a good idea,” she smiled, shooing away his hands to undo her own belt and start undoing her arm wraps. He followed suit, taking off the awkward clothing that he had been given. His clothing, the black and oppressive set from before, still sat waiting for him. He missed it, despite himself.

He was first to pull off his belt and tunic. She grinned, her eyes drawn to his chest. He still had a hard time believing that she wanted him.

Her belt finally fell away and she pulled off her tunic. That’s when he reached for her again.

Her back was warm and her mouth met his to remind him that she was real. He guided them backwards towards the fresher, smirking at every small nip that she made to his lips.

He carefully undid her breast wrap as they reached the threshold to the small fresher.

“Tell me when you’re sad,” he said, tracing down her naked back. “This is difficult, but I don’t want you to forget who you are.”

Her hands fell at his waist, looking up at him. “Why do you care so much about me? Is it just…our child?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I…it’s you. I love you. All of this is just a background for us. We’ll get through it; it’s always been you.”

She slowly reached down to meet his hands and slip down her leggings. He took in her form with hungry eyes. No matter how many times that this happened, he wanted her: her skin, her eyes, her sex. She slowly looked up and he could feel the residual sadness both through their bond and in her eyes.

“I should have said yes on the Supremacy,” she looked so vulnerable in this instant that he started to feel panic scratch at the back of his throat. How should he answer this?

“I wanted you to,” he answered, slipping off his trousers and stepping backwards into the light of the fresher. “I needed you.”

They hadn’t had this conversation before. He kept his shoulders straight to try not to betray his worry at where this talk would lead. He left her for a second to turn on the stream as she slid down the last of her underclothes and hit the button to shut the door. Her eyes were soft and curious as she watched him test the temperature with his hand. Then he felt her hand on his back and he straightened.

“I didn’t know what I needed then,” she said. “Except for the light.”

He turned to face her as her hands landed on his midsection. “I’m here now. You showed me that.”

The water starting a warm fog behind them, her hands traced up his inner thigh. “It could have been there so much earlier.”

He leaned into her hand, thrusting into it, but still shook his head. “You’re here now.”

He meant the words, despite his doubt in himself. Her hands removed his underclothes and she stepped closer. She was more afraid of her feelings than he was of her; that both felt comforting but terrifying as she brushed against his erection.

“You’re the first man I’ve ever loved,” she settled her head against his neck. “I’m…afraid.”

“Me too.”

Gently, he guided her under the stream. He needed her to let go of these feelings; he’d have to teach her how to put them in their proper place, even though he was still struggling with it too. He needed her to feel him. Once the warmth hit her, she sighed. The water washed over her, long hair clinging to her forehead. Looking down at her made the emotions from earlier easier to deal with.

He felt up her body with his fingertips; her stomach was still firm, despite how she worried she seemed to be about it. He teased her, stroking between her breasts to rest his hand on her chin, gripping it lightly. He needed her to not be so weighed down by all of his. He should be the one to take in all of this; this was his fight, in the end. He was the problem.

“Stop,” she kissed him lightly on the cheek. She met his eyes under the stream and shook her head. “It’s my fight too.”

The light touches and kisses, combined with the words, had brought him to a close to breaking point. There were too many feelings swirling around him and he dove into them. He kissed her heavily, bringing her mouth up to his with one hand as he stroked down her body to grip her backside to him. She gasped lightly, but sighed into his kiss. In their two weeks on the base, it hadn’t been like this. It was more about taking what he needed and he had almost forgotten her. This was why she needed to marry him; that was a promise he needed to make.

He was also afraid that she would leave him.

She shuddered into his touch as he moved his hand down to her sex under the warm water. She thrust into his blunt fingers as he started to massage her clit, knowing her body and where she liked to be touched. That was when her hand wound up to his cock and he had to focus more on her than himself.

“I want you on the bed,” he leaned in to whisper. “Let me…do this for you.”

Her hand still settled around his cock. “I can still…help you a little.”

He let his feelings take him. “I’ll tell you…if I’m close.”

Her hand felt lighter she angled up to kiss him. “I wish that we were back there.”

Her voice was soft, but he couldn’t deny where he’d rather be. His hand fell away and he pulled her close, resting his forehead against hers. “Me too.”

She slowly shook out of her thoughts, stepping back to run her hands up his body to rest them behind his neck. Under the running water, she blinked to look at him. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

The damned meeting could wait.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

Poe sighed and put his feet up on the empty chair beside him. “Can’t we just send someone to get them?”

The planning meeting was already fifteen minutes late. And the guests of honour hadn’t left their room. Leia folded her hands on the table and shrugged. Poe frowned; she still knew what was going on and the corner of her mouth betrayed it.

“They’ll be here,” she turned her eyes to the datapad before her. “But we can go over the initial plan again.”

Turning, he cracked his neck. He hadn’t slept well that night. The prospect of being on a mission had kept him up until it was nearly dawn. “We have enough functioning fighters to provide the cover. Are we still thinking about leaving this base for the cruisers and transports?”

A quarter of their crew had left the base and were hidden on the other side of the planet, preparing for an eventual transfer away from the base. Poe thrived in space, but knew that being there opened them up to so many more dangers.

Leia nodded. “We’ve been here for too long. Once we make our attack, they’ll find us. So don’t get too comfortable.”

He slowly took his feet from the chair and shook his head, reading further. Their allies would eventually be broken by the First Order. He had read the outline many times but finally came upon something that he hadn’t agreed to. “Wait, this part’s new. We’re getting _his_ ship?”

“We need it, it has more detailed plans,” Leia nodded. “He’ll tell you when he gets here.”

“If he gets here…”

Leia just sighed instead of glaring at him.

Almost like they had planned it, Ben and Rey entered the room. Poe was beginning to question letting them have more freedom if they couldn’t get to meetings on time. But then he saw the bright smile on Rey’s face and sat up straighter. She had looked more and more stressed and worn as the weeks rolled on. Now, she was smiling and holding his hand. He was looking at her with a small grin that made Poe both curious and worried. What was going on?

“Sorry that we’re late,” Rey said. “Can we…we have an announcement.”

Leia’s eyes were instantly on them, creasing with a smile. “Go on, tell us.”

“We…we want to hold a marriage ceremony tomorrow,” Rey said, mainly to Leia. “Ben asked me.”

Poe sat back in his chair, but kept his mouth shut. He had to fight to keep it that way, and had to swallow his instant reaction. He let the emotions in the room swirl around him as he tried to decide how to feel. He settled on mild scepticism, despite how three of the faces out of six in the room looked quite pleased and nearly overjoyed with the idea. The other half were more on his side. He exchanged a worried look with Connix, who shrugged.

“She said yes,” Ben finally said, then cleared his throat. “But we should really discuss the plan now.”

Rey nodded, her smile slightly fading but her eyes still locked on him.

Then they sat down and started to act like nothing had happened. But they were holding hands the entire time.

This just kept getting weirder. All he wanted to do was be back in a cockpit instead of dealing with this mess. No wonder Finn kept moping around. Ships, Poe was good at. People, not so much.

They went through the details and when it came to who would be sent on the mission, he finally had to clear his throat. “Finn wants to volunteer.”

“Finn?” Rey said, her head lifting from her datapad. “Yes, he’d be perfect.”

She finally met his eyes. They had had very few interactions, but he knew that he trusted her. She was so much younger than he remembered. She’d never really been involved in the strategy meetings before so it was interesting to see how she could handle herself these past two weeks. In the time that they had worked together, her instincts had amazed him. She was an excellent pilot in battle, and in navigation. But wanting to have a marriage bond with the former Supreme Leader made him want to question her just a little.

He could feel Ben's eyes on him the entire time that he was looking at Rey. It was easier to think of him like that when he looked like he wanted to destroy the entire room than when he was actually passive and useful. This meeting had been focused mostly on retrieving his lost craft on the memory planet. Poe understood why it was important, and had to disagree with Leia about who would pilot it. It had to be her son. He was still gone in the mind of the First Order; the bounty was more for if he had switched sides. The subterfuge could win the battle for the fuel depot. It had to be that way. He didn’t actually want to put the man in that position, given how Rey looked at him, but they all had dangerous parts to play.

The main goal would be hitting it during the change in personnel. Since the First Order ran like a clean machine, Ben had insisted, it would be in less than a week. That would be their window to attack. The less trained and less guarded staff wouldn’t be expecting a strike.

It was logical, but Poe still didn’t trust the fact that they’d be sending him in essentially undercover. He wanted to argue about it but was silenced by a look from Rey when he was about to start again. So she was reading his mind too. Great.

“I think we’re set,” Leia finally said. “Tomorrow we’ll focus on the craft and leaving the base.”

“Isn’t it better to stay here?” Ben spoke up. “We didn’t know about this base.”

Leia looked at her son firmly. “ _They_ could by now.”

Poe caught what she was getting at; he wasn’t a part of the _we_ anymore.

“Yes,” he dipped his head. “They probably do.”

So he was human. Who would have thought?

“Ugh, if I can make a point?” He had hated being restrained throughout these meetings. “So, about this wedding tomorrow?”

Rey gave him a bright grin but he felt the rest of the room cringe. Ben looked at him with guarded amusement. He thrived on it all.

“I’m thinking before the evening meal? We have some decent reserves that we can’t take with us when we leave,” Poe tried to shrug, but was drawn in by Rey’s gaze. Now he knew why Finn was always talking about her. “I don’t think we have any authentic Jakku rations, but we can come up with something similar.”

“Watered down gruel,” Ben actually leaned forward and added, with a small smile. “The real cuisine of Jakku.”

“Yeah, with a splash of sand,” Poe grinned. “What do you think, Rey?”

She just sat back, grinning and shaking her head. “We never should have told you.”

“What? Why? I’m filled with ideas,” Poe kept on with his good mood and actually met Ben’s brown eyes. He wasn’t Kylo in that moment; his guard was down and Poe could almost feel the hint of what made Rey want him. The other man’s eyes glanced from Rey to him and he only saw a man in love; if there was a happy ending out there, he hoped that they would find one. He realized that the thought should cause him more pain; this was a killing machine that had mowed down so many of his pilots and friends. He’d been tortured by those eyes, hidden behind a mask. But here he sat, looking at him like they were almost equals. He needed to get him alone. He needed to really know what he thought, especially if they were doing this mission as a team and not just leaning on him. They should all be equal in this. That was a point he’d forgotten during the meeting, but he could make that clear later.

Leia finally cleared her throat. “I can take care of the planning. I think that we’re done here, unless anyone else has something else to add.”

Poe kept his mouth shut, but dared to meet Ben’s eyes again. They exchanged a long look before they both nodded.

As the mission approached, Poe realized how much he would lean on the hint of trust in that look.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

Rose actually felt more like herself when she went back to work in the late afternoon. Finn had actually spoken without full expressions of jealously and anger for the first time in so long that it was like speaking to a past Finn, the charming and cute one that had let her tag along on his adventures.

She had almost forgotten that she had taken a shift, so having to leave his bed had been a challenge, but Finn had woken her when he realized that he had training to report to. That reminded her of her duties. She really wanted to shrug them off but instead shuffled off to the freshers and changed her clothes and tried to focus on the work ahead today. There was so much to do, now that there was a spark riding through the base. They were leaving soon. It was all going to start the fight again and now they had a key that they had been missing for so long.

Her work today was mostly focused on getting the older ships outfitted for what was to come. She’d been given the task of fixing one of the trickier bulkheads with new wiring and other basic maintenance. She sighed the entire time, alone on one side of the broad secondary hanger. The other crew had cleared out to other parts, either working on packing or trying to search the structure for useful parts to take with them.

It was a simple task, but she was still annoyed at her own tiredness. Her hands fumbled more than once and she was constantly rubbing her eyes.

She was thinking about how to fix on particular area when she caught a figure out of the corner of her eye, wandering into the space. It made her shoulders tense instantly and she randomly grabbed a tool and rushed to the platform underneath the ship to pretend that was what she had intended to do.

Because Kylo Ren had walked into the space. He was alone, dressed in dark brown tones, but it was still him. The cloak was still the same, draped over his shoulders and nearly brushing the floor. She quickly started prodding at the underside of the ship, humming to herself even as she heard his boot steps approaching.

“What are you doing?”

She held her breath before she answered. “These fighters are older — we have new tech that we need to refit. It’s mostly for the forward shielding.”

She could hear him breathe and shift his weight from side to side.

“I think that you’re using the wrong tool,” he said.

She finally had to turn and look at him, quickly glancing at what she had in her hands. The tool that he was holding up was exactly what she needed. His face was neutral, but it still made her words catch in her throat and she stammered.

“Yeah, I, yeah,” she slid down from under the ship to walk up to him. He was just a man; he was standing there, like so many of her other colleagues. But he wasn’t one. She wanted to hate him, and here he was, offering her something that she needed.

He placed the cool metal in her hand without touching her and then took a step back.

“These are old,” he said, as she clenched the wrench in her hands.

“Yeah, we haven’t had the best luck,” she shrugged, looking at her feet.

He took a few steps, still looking at the old X-Wing that she was working on. “You should focus more on the fins. There is a weakness in this model.”

She glanced up and nodded. “We’re trying. But they can always blast us anywhere.”

“Still,” his voice echoed in the room. “The points on the wings are something to think about.”

“I’ll…mention it. To the people that normally work on it. I’m just here for the rewiring and some upgrading,” she shrugged, still hearing him step around the craft. She bit her lip and thought about what Paige would say in that moment. “How many missions did you go on as the Supreme Leader?”

There was a heartbeat of silence as she shifted the tool in her hands from side to side. Then she heard him sigh.

“None. I hated it.”

His voice was deep and she quirked her head under the craft and was surprised to meet his eyes. “Really? I heard that you’re a great pilot and fighter and…”

He actually smirked. It was only the slightest quirk of his lips, but she saw it and it made her clench the wrench tighter.

“It was mostly meetings and people arguing about my decisions,” he turned away, continuing around the ship. “It’s like now. We’re only in meetings and I’m always…annoyed.”

“Sounds boring,” she tried to sound happier than she felt, but the words were flat on her lips.

“Strategy isn’t boring in itself. There are always solutions, but few people consider the costs. That’s when it gets tedious,” he replied. She thought that she heard his hand touch the ship and bit her lip.

She shuffled her feet, trying to find her breath. “Do you really love Rey?”

The question had come more from her feelings for Finn, but regretted it the second that it had left her lips. He had rounded the craft to be at the nose and now stood just metres away.

He tilted his dark head at her. “Why did you ask me that?”

She had to face him now; she wasn’t a coward. Paige wouldn’t want her to be one.

She straightened her shoulders and nodded to herself. “It’s just that, we know what happened on Crait and then after all that time, you both disappear. We…the people who work here, the Resistance, we…we don’t really know…well, anything. Except that you came back with her. And now no one can talk to her to find out.”

Kylo, or Ben, or whatever he called himself, took a step closer. “You were there, on Crait.”

It wasn’t a question, but Rose nodded. “You tried to kill us. And you killed Luke Skywalker.”

His hand shot out to grip the small tray of tools that he had so easily plucked the wrench from earlier. He seemed to be studying it, but she guessed that it was more to keep his eyes on something other than her. “Luke was never there. But I was terrified the entire time.”

Rose saw that he tried to straighten his shoulders but caught the dip in his resolve. “Of what?”

He stood up to his full height. “Of this. Of all of this.”

“What do you mean?”

He pursed his lips and let go of the tray. “People have questioned me my entire life. Every step that I took, there was always something that I did wrong.”

She paused and she took a chance to speak again. “I’m the same way. My sister was a bomber, and I was in the background. I’m not fast enough or good enough.”

“Who told you that you weren’t good enough?” He seemed intrigued by her, almost like an experiment. He moved closer, studying her reaction. She didn’t give him one.

“I guess no one, but I still feel that way,” she shrugged. “Someone must have thought it too or else I wouldn’t be here, alone, doing busy work.”

She noticed that he was biting the inside of his mouth before he nodded. “To answer your question, I love Rey. It’s the first thing that I’ve done right, but I’m still not perfect. She accepts me for who I am, but I have still hurt her. When we were without memories, things were easier. Now, we have everyone else to worry about.”

“Yeah, other people tend to…yeah…make things messy. Or make it harder to care about someone,” she realized that she was say nothing and tried to smile. “Or something.”

“You’re with the Stormtrooper, aren’t you? Rey told me.”

Rose felt her eyes go wide for a second and then had to scramble for words. “Yeah, I guess that…we are together. But he’s, um, yeah. He’s Finn. If you didn’t know.”

“I know,” he gave her another small smirk. “Rey helped him on Jakku.”

“And then you kind of cut him up on Starkiller Base,” Rose dared to say. “And he almost died. A little.”

He didn’t get angry, but he did blink rapidly a few times before answering. “I don’t want to ask you what you think of me because that tells me more than anything else that you could say.”

He met her eyes one last time and then stalked off like none of it had happened. The heavy falls of his boots echoed around her as she tried to make her shaking hands work again.

Rose felt like she had messed up again.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

Finn reset the targets and looked at his troops. “We’re almost there. Just keep both eyes open. You’ll need to know how to hit these to get the troopers. They’re slow in their armour, but they shoot really fast.”

He took three long steps back and motioned for the team of ten to start firing again. They were so much younger than he was; whatever the Resistance inspired, it was expressed in young people. Part of him wanted to send them away, to avoid all of the pain that the next mission would cause. They shouldn’t have to deal with all of this.

He still hadn’t sorted out all of his thoughts, but focused on the blaster fire instead of his emotions. Rose had forgiven him, but to a point. They had never had a smooth relationship, and now he was making it harder. He just hoped that she would understand eventually. Maybe she would get it before he did.

Under the rain of blaster fire, a hand touched his shoulder and he turned. He had missed the sound of the outer door opening to the green space. He was surprised to meet Rey’s smiling face when he turned.

“Rey!” He said, gripping her into a firm hug. “What are you doing here?”

Her hands folded behind his back, hugging him firmly. This was where the feelings were lurking. She didn’t feel like Rose. But he couldn’t think that way. He shook off the reaction as she stepped back, looking at what was going on.

“New recruits?” She asked, lifting her head slightly.

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded, then raised his hand. The blaster fire was slow to stop, but did eventually. “I think we’re good for now. Go check your weapons and make sure that they’re clean.”

His small group nodded, starting to move for the door. They were eyeing Rey the entire time and he had to clamp down on jealously once again. She wasn’t some freak. Neither of them were.

“Hey,” Rey smirked. “It’s okay. I am a bit of a freak.”

Finn managed a small smile, but still shook his head. “Poe was telling me that you could read minds now.”

She rocked her slightly back and forth, then she shrugged. “It’s more like…sensing emotions. I don’t understand it all yet. But I think that I will soon.”

He bit his lip then shook his head. “Hey, help me with the targets.”

She grinned. “Of course.”

They gathered up the heavy tracks and the targets, pushing them to the side. It would be someone else’s job to bring them inside, but he could see how happy she was to be doing something without a shadow lurking behind her. She met his eyes and motioned for the edge of the cliff and he followed her to sit on the end of the green, dangling their feet into the abyss below them.

“I got your message,” he finally said. “It’s been a messed up couple of weeks.”

“I never wanted anyone to be in the dark,” her hands folded on her stomach. “It was more Leia’s idea. Ben doesn’t really care for it, but it was for him.”

“I, um, how is he?” He felt himself frown as he spoke, forcing the words out. This was the only way to get through all of this. He needed to rip open the wounds so that they could heal correctly the next time.

“He…he’s…struggling,” she answered with an exhale. “You don’t know how good it feels to have someone ask me that. We were alone for three months and I thought that it was over. I thought that he’d left me, but then he came back and we were free. But now it’s been two more weeks of just meetings and being with him. He needs me and I need him. He’s…he’s going to be my husband.”

Finn needed a moment to breathe, but couldn’t find any thoughts after that. “Is that why you came out here? To tell me that?”

She tilted her head towards him. “No, I came out to ask how you were. You asked about him, and I wanted you to know.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Don’t be like that.”

He scratched the back of his head, feeling the heat spread from his face. “I don’t know how else to be.”

She shifted, her hand coming to rest on his knee. “Tell me. What are you feeling?”

He had to roll his eyes. “This doesn’t even _sound_ like you anymore.”

“What do you mean? Finn, I’m still me.”

He felt his nostrils flare as he sighed. “But you’re with him. That makes you different.”

Her hand tightened on his leg and then drifted away. “I…I know.”

“Then just talk to me,” he sighed heavily. “Like someone normal.”

Her bright smile made his previous anger fade, but only slightly. It retreated to the darker corners of his mind as he tried to focus on her. “I’d really like that.”

He managed to smile lightly in return. “Too bad I can’t think of anything normal to talk about.”

Rey laughed, resting her hands behind her to lean back, setting her elbows on the grass. “Just tell me what you’ve been working on. Tell me everything that I’ve missed. I need to hear something else that isn’t about the mission, or the future of the galaxy.”

He nodded, trying to find a place to start. He eventually found the topic of working with the recruits and how good it felt to be in charge of other people. He’d always been the lowest rung on the ladder, so being in a position of respect made him feel really good about himself. He told her about learning how to play sabacc from the pilots late at night, and how he’d still get conned into cleaning duty when he lost a bet during target practice. It was when he got to the topic of her being gone that his story started to falter. This wasn’t what she wanted to hear and he finally exhaled and shook his head.

“I’m sorry, Rey,” he felt his head drop. “I was so wrapped up in you being missing that I sort of made things harder for everyone else. Rose…Rose has put up with a lot. I don’t know how she feels about me anymore after this.”

“It will be okay, Finn. You have a big heart. You’re allowed to feel too much sometimes,” she met his eyes and he felt drawn into them. She smiled again and he nodded.

“What happened when you were gone?” He asked, watching her bite her lip and look out over the cliff again. “What really happened?”

“It’s…it’s okay. I know that there are rumours,” she tried to give him a reassuring look, but it seemed forced. “We didn’t know who we were. It was like starving, but everything you ate didn’t end it. We only had our instincts, and each other. It was so trying at times. He could be angry and hard to deal with. He hated doing chores and would shout at me. He broke our table almost straight away. I realize now how entwined he was with the dark side, but also the light. It was the light that brought us together. He tries to do things with kindness and mostly succeeds. I really fell in love with him, once without memories and then again with them. But it’s been over the last two weeks that things have been harder than they ever were on the planet.”

“What do you mean?”

She shrugged. “When we were there, it was just us. Now, it’s everyone else, and the galaxy. He needs this mission. I think that we wants to prove that he’s really on this side.”

“It would be a start,” Finn said, bluntly.

Rey held his eyes and then shook her head. “His start was with me. This is just finishing it.”

The door slid open then and they both turned to see Ben step out onto the grass, clearly looking for her. Finn saw a look of relief cross his face until he spotted him. Rey waved him over and Finn felt his chest getting tighter as he strode across the grass. He settled onto the ground beside Rey and then gave him a small nod.

“I think that everyone is avoiding me,” he said, taking Rey’s hand then turning to look into the distance.

“I thought you’d like that,” she softly replied.

He smirked. “To a point.”

Finn was about to make an excuse to leave when the other man cleared his throat.

“You’re volunteering for the mission.”

It wasn’t a question, but Finn nodded anyway. “Yeah. It’s…it’s something that I want to do.”

“You’ll be at the next meeting then,” Ben said, settling his eyes on him.

Finn didn’t back down from the stare and shook his head in agreement. “Yeah. Tomorrow morning.”

“Good.”

“I’m glad that you’re going with us, Finn,” Rey turned to give him a small grin.

“Yeah, me too.”

The silence was less awkward after that, but Finn still had to blink his eyes a few time to remind himself that he wasn’t in some twisted dream. His mind was blank at what to talk about. More about the mission? How much he wanted to grab him by the collar and toss him off the cliff? How Rey deserved someone better? He felt the lingering jealously start to rise again when the external door interrupted his wild thoughts.

“Hey Finn!” Dameron called. “One of your guys needs you.”

He nodded. “I’m coming. I’ll…I’ll talk to you guys later.”

He scrambled to his feet and tried to walk briskly instead of run to the door. He saw the look on Poe’s face when he got inside and rolled his eyes.

“There’s nothing wrong,” he shook his head with a small grin.

“Just thought I’d rescue you for a change,” Poe smirked.

“He’s just not normal,” Finn shook his head. “I don’t even think that he’s trying.”

Poe glanced over his shoulder at the door and gave a half shrug. “I don’t know. I think that he made a joke this morning. I’m almost on the ‘give him a chance’ side. Like, this close. One thing could knock me either way.”

“Are they…really getting married?”

His friend looked down at his feet and nodded. “She looked really happy about it, Finn, so I don’t know what to tell you.”

Finn just sighed, eyeing the door and going over the cliff idea again. “There’s nothing to say really. I’m…yeah, I don’t know.”

He turned and walked away, shoving his hands into his jacket pocket and clenching them into fists.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

It was late at night, practically verging on dawn, when the _Falcon_ landed, but Leia had stayed up to meet it. She was the reason that Chewbacca had been delayed; she asked him to make a stop along the way.

As the craft settled into the hanger a pang of sorrow spread up Leia’s chest. Her bottom lip trembled as she hoped that someone else would be stepping out with the Wookie. She forced the feeling down within her, putting herself back in reality. She blamed her emotions on the fact that it was terribly late.

Chewie growled a greeting to her as he lugged the small chest down the ramp. He was muttering about how much longer the trip had taken because of its contents, but she calmed him with a smile.

“Thank you, Chewie,” she tilted her head. “Everything else go according to plan?”

Chewbacca’s reply was interrupted by approaching footsteps. Leia was surprised to see her son and Rey, dressed for bed, standing in the doorway. The return of the ship must have either woken them, or drew them to the hanger. They could feel everything that was happening around them; it was hard to keep anything a secret from bored and searching minds. Rey, in a light tunic that fell at her knees with her hair loose on her shoulders, instantly looked at Chewie with a huge grin. He’d left before she had a chance to really see her. Ben was dressed in a loose cream-coloured tunic and white sleep pants. It reminded her of what he wore as a boy and the sorrow from before threatened to return. He approached slowly, trailing after Rey.

Chewie hugged the young woman firmly, greeting her with kind words and reassurances that the ship was fine. Ben stopped just a step behind Leia, his shoulders firmly set. His shyness of his youth had transformed into this cold shield to hide his emotions. Rey turned and gave him a small smile and then nodded.

“He’s glad to see you too,” she said, touching Chewie’s long arm. “Where have you been? I thought that you were supposed to be back this afternoon.”

Leia motioned to the more chest at her feet. She tapped it with her cane and caught their attention. “I had him make another stop.”

Ben quirked his head. “Where, mother?”

She almost winked at him. “Open it, Rey.”

Rey knelt down, her bare knees touching the cold metal of the hanger. It made Leia almost regret her words, but knew that Rey wasn’t fragile and she shouldn’t think of her that way. Her quick hands opened the lid and she looked up with wide eyes. “What is it, Leia?”

“My mother’s wedding dress,” she smiled lightly. “I made Chewie swing by Naboo for it.”

Rey instantly shut the case and shot to her feet. “I can’t take that. I can’t wear that. That belongs to your family.”

Leia met her eyes and shook her head. “You’re part of _our_ family now, Rey. Let me do this for you.”

Rey’s eyes snapped to Ben who seemed frozen in place. Leia had made the choice consciously not to test him, but to show how she’d forgiven him. Every step that he’d taken was coming back to her, in one way or another. He bit his lip and finally nodded. Rey let the breath that she had been holding go and reached out to hug Leia. Pulling the young woman into her arms, Leia felt a gentle peace settler around her. She’d done her part. Now Rey had to do hers.

Chewie put a hand on Ben’s shoulder. Instead of jumping, Ben gave him a long look before stepping into his arms. Both Rey and Leia watched them before exchanging small grins. Yes, the sadness of seeing it tugged at the edges of Leia’s mouth, but there was also reassurance caressing her mind from somewhere else.

In the darkened hanger after midnight, her family was home.

That thought stayed with her as Chewie helped her to her quarters. Rey and Ben had stayed behind after saying goodnight. She had caught Ben eyeing the _Falcon_ and had let him have his way.

She missed what Chewie had said and had to get him to repeat it, standing outside the door to her quarters. Her thoughts were still on that ship, her son, and the whole galaxy that threatened them all.

“I’m sorry Chewie. It’s late,” she tried to smile.

He slowly repeated himself, shuffling his hairy feet.

“We can trust him, old friend,” she rested a hand on his chest. “And I understand why you’re asking. Now, get some sleep.”

Chewie gave her a confident nod and then wandered off in the dimmed lights of the hallway.

She should be more worried about the mission, but for once General Organa was going to sleep knowing that tomorrow—or later today, or whatever time it was—would bring her joy, in one way or another.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

Ben stretched, his fingertips nearly brushing the ceiling. The complex was small, but ships were smaller. Rey instantly missed the expansive ceiling of their home and had to snap out of it. She decided to draw on the happiness of the last part of the day instead. She smiled, rubbing the stubborn cramp in her leg from where she sat on the floor. Instead of sparring, he had insisted that they practice forms that evening. It was almost unbelievable to her more than three months ago that Kylo Ren would want to try Jedi forms, let alone with her. But he was practiced and steady and she doubted that he was out of practice in anyway. Her urge to learn and practice drove her for over an hour; he was the closest thing that she had to a teacher and she was leaning on him without really knowing it. She lasted until her calf started to spasm. She had rested on the grass, massaging her leg as he continued to cut through the air with his lightsaber, holding a pose until exertion made his arms shake, before moving into the next. He had given her a look of sympathy until she had nodded that he should go on. He was happily exhausted when they returned to their quarters, making her feel more at ease being around him. Everything always came down to how she felt during their time away; she just wanted more memories of there than memories from now. 

He stretched out his neck, then knelt on the small woven rug at the edge of their bed. He didn’t need to speak, but she sighed at the thought of meditation. Her mind was still wrapped up in their interaction with Finn from that afternoon. He had made progress and had other friends, but the tension in his shoulders and the tone of this voice made her worried. The sadness from earlier always tinged her mind and made her always feel weak, being so near tears.

“Come here,” Ben said and she reluctantly knelt before him, their knees touching. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”

“I’m still thinking about this morning, but mostly Finn,” she shook her head. “How do you deal with hurting someone by doing something that you want?”

“You’re talking about your friend.”

She sighed. “Yes. I can’t stop feeling…sad for him.”

He motioned to the Jedi texts that she’d lined up on the small windowsill of their room. It reminded her of their former home. She’d done it on purpose, but wouldn’t admit it.

“What do those tell you?”

She shrugged. “Is this why attachment is discouraged? Because it’s too hard to deal with?”

He smirked. “The Jedi are idiots. They preach against emotions, but all of their teachings are about how to embrace the good and reject the bad. You can’t fully understand why you feel a certain way unless you have both.”

“Is that…how you think now?”

He touched her leg. “I’m still undecided. But I can show you how to deal with what you’re feeling, along with what we talked about this morning. No one taught you how to release your emotions into the Force. I’m not a good example, but I can teach you. I...want to show you.”

“Show me.”

He reached out, setting his hand in the middle of her chest and closed his eyes. She folded her hand over his as his mind nudged her; she took a deep breath, feeling his touch warm her sweaty skin. His mind gently entered hers and she accepted it. At times she was afraid that he would feel some of her doubts, but she’d cleared the air this morning. The sadness still toned many of her thoughts, but it wasn’t as aching as before. Now, she was just worried about how her actions affected others. But the thing she felt him reaching for was her regret about asking him to leave the planet with their memories.

She frowned, her hand tightening on his. “Ben?”

“It started here,” his voice was soft. “You think that you started hurting everyone there.”

She was silent; instead, she touched his mind in agreement.

He turned to speaking in her mind. It wasn’t like how they communicated through Snoke’s forced link. They could send flashes of images and crisp thoughts, but nothing was ever fully tangible. It made her feel special; only she could see the things that he was showing her.

“Think about that moment, how it fits in your mind.”

“It doesn’t fit anywhere,” she shook her head.

“Try, Rey.”

She sighed, following his mind into her thoughts and emotions. It was easy to isolate the moment, and how it connected to all of her other thoughts. Her remorse about asking him for their memories back was paired with the soft joy of him still caring about her. Her grief about him leaving was linked to her overwhelming relief when he returned. Her confusion about how to have a family in a galaxy of terror was all wrapped up in how much she needed him.

She gasped. “That’s where it is.”

“Yes,” his voice lifted slightly. “Now give it to the Force. Take the parts that cause you pain, that weigh on you, and release it into the Force.”

“How do I do that?”

He exhaled slightly. “How does it feel when you reach out to it?”

“Like it’s connecting me to everything,” she felt him trying to contain his impatience and responded truthfully. “I let it flow into me and it guides me.”

“Then think of it like a beach. When a wave comes onto the sand, it takes the deadwood out with it,” his voice was still level. “These emotions aren’t helping us. Let the tide take it out.”

She felt him reaching out to the bond and she let her thoughts join his, letting the Force into her. She loosened the feelings from her heart and like he said, she exhaled them like a warm breath into the Force. Her heart beat quicker as the emotions were swirled from her body, into the universe.

Her eyes burst open and she leaned forward to press her mouth to his.

“What was amazing!” She gasped. “Why did you wait so long to show me that?”

He was smiling lightly as he opened his eyes. “You have your books.”

“They’re useless! You already told me that,” her grin broadened. “Is this what meditation is good for? It’s not just…I don’t know, thinking about everything.”

He quirked his head. “I’ve felt you meditating. You’ve been doing this the entire time, and hadn’t noticed. You really are powerful, Rey.”

She sighed, sitting back to rest on her heels. He was looking at her with amusement and pride, making her feel like she was shining. It could have been letting go of some of her feelings, but both his gaze and her less-worried heart made her feel even more in love. “You’re going to be a good father.”

He didn’t look away, but dipped his head. “I want to be.”

“Then you will be.”

He took a deep breath, settling back again to meditate. She sighed and tried to join him. He seemed to fall into the trance instantly and she wondered why, but had trouble following him. Her mind felt too restless to just let her thoughts drift, even if she truly saw the usefulness now. She gave up after fifteen scattered minutes, gently standing from him. She didn’t want to break his thoughts, but lightly told him that she was going to shower off their training. After he brushed her mind in agreement, she stood and stretched and left the room for the fresher.

It had been a long day, filled with new freedoms, but also new difficulties. She wanted to have more input, but many people on the base were still wary of her connection to him. While she didn’t see the problem, she could understand it.

She peeled off her clothes. They had nearly hardened with sweat and she tossed them into the wash basket. At least she didn’t have to wash their clothing anymore.

Gazing at herself in the mirror, she smiled at herself. Pulling her hair out of the loose bun, she shook her head and she met her own eyes in the reflection. Her hair was longer than it had ever been, falling well below her shoulders. Her breasts were starting to get fuller, both from her pregnancy and eating normally. Maybe he liked that. She wasn’t sure.

She spotted his razor, sitting on the edge of the basin. Gods, he had been frustrated by not having something so simple on the planet.

She showered quickly, but still went over the exercises that he had shown her that day. He was training her, like he had wanted to so long ago in the forest. But he was also letting her be more of his equal. She wanted to marry him. She wanted him to make her feel whole, and let her show her how to deal with the harsher sides of him. He was still battling through his own emotions and she understood why he needed to show her how to release emotions into the Force; it was to remind himself to do it too.

He was still meditating when she left the warmth of the fresher for their room. She pulled on a loose, long tunic and towelled off her hair. Sitting on the bed, she watched his emotions slightly change as he went through his thoughts. She avoided touching his mind, but let his feelings brush against hers. He had worries about his mother that he hadn’t mentioned before and she didn’t want to explore them until he brought it up.

Slowly, his eyes blinked open. “She’s old and I regret the time that I spent away from her.”

“Oh,” she nodded. “You…we don’t have to talk about it now.”

In one fluid motion, he brought himself to his feet. “Good.”

He walked to the small shelf on the opposite wall and retrieved her hairbrush. He handed it to her and turned to the fresher without another word.

Glaring lightly at the door, the brushed her hair and slowly braided it. Her leg was still aching lightly and she massaged it before climbing under the covers. The meddroid had warned her how the exhaustion would get worse later on, but she could sleep fairly easily at this point. She let her worry touch on how soon she would start to show. Few people knew about this, but in the next few months, she’d have to tell Finn. And she didn’t want to think about his reaction.

She didn’t realize that she’d fallen asleep when she felt a pair of arms envelope her.

“Hmmmm.” She sighed, her throat making a long and comfortable noise, feeling him kiss her neck. “You’re so warm.”

“Do you really think I’ll be a good father?” he whispered.

She nodded, waking up a little to turn in his arms. “You’re a good teacher, when you try. You can be soft, but also firm. I never had a father, but I think that’s what fathers are.”

She met his eyes and saw a small spot of worry that he quickly blinked away. “Thank you.”

She fell asleep quickly, resting in his arms, until a persistent and growing hum woke her with a gasp. Ben was already sitting up, breathing heavily.

“The _Falcon_ ’s back,” he said, dashing from the bed. She followed, grinning the entire time. She missed the ship and, most of all, missed Chewie.

Dashing down the corridors with bare feet, she smiled as they neared the hanger. Leia had said that it would be back earlier, but now it was the middle of the night, nearly hinging on morning.

They entered the hanger and saw only Chewie and Leia talking. Ben suddenly fell a step behind her, but she kept moving forward until she could hug the Wookie. She wanted to ask about the modifications to the hyperdrive, but he was answering her before she could ask. Everything was fine and it made her fully shake off her earlier sleepiness.

She finally turned to notice that Ben was standing behind his mother, suddenly terrified of both the ship and seeing his father’s best friend. She could feel it ebbing through their bond and felt the need to say something.

“He’s glad to see you too,” she reassured Chewie, before changing the subject. “Where have you been? I thought that you were supposed to be back this afternoon.”

Leia’s eyes turned to the small chest that Rey hadn’t noticed yet. Her cane rapping against it brought it into focus. “I had him make another stop.”

There was apprehension when Ben spoke. “Where, mother?”

“Open it, Rey.”

Carefully, she stepped away from Chewie, towards the small, ornate chest. It reminded her of being on the planet and the damned case that Ben had spent weeks trying to open. Her knees met the hard grating of the deck and she ignored it. She lifted the lid and a pile of lavish white lace and silk with delicate beading was revealed to her. She felt her pulse getting quicker as she lifted her head. “What is it, Leia?”

“My mother’s wedding dress. I made Chewie swing by Naboo for it.”

Her hands were closing the chest before she could think about it. This wasn’t hers. This was a part of what had drawn Ben into the darkness. This was something that belonged in the past. She had to control her breathing before she spoke. “I can’t take that. I can’t wear that. That belongs to your family.”

Leia looked resolved and her eyes were firm. “You’re part of _our_ family now, Rey. Let me do this for you.”

She could only look at Ben and try to read what he felt. His face looked disinterested, but his eyes revealed what he felt. He hated the past and wanted to keep outrunning it, but it was a part of them all. This was something that they couldn’t release into the Force, and was important to his mother. He looked down at the chest and then back at her, before finally nodding. She exhaled and quickly moved to embrace the general. She was joining a family. And she could be happy.

After saying goodnight, Ben quickly made a break for the _Falcon._ She followed him, still swimming from the gift that she had been trusted with.

“We need to get rid of the mess from those birds,” he mumbled.

“I cleaned most of that,” she followed his eyes, but still agreed. “Chewie liked them.”

“He likes creatures with faults.”

Ben finally took a deep breath when he reached the cockpit. He touched the silent and unlit controls and smiled lightly. “This is ours now, Rey.”

“We’ll have to talk to Chewie about that,” she shifted her weight from side to side, watching him sit down in the pilot’s seat. “But I’ll think that it will be fine.”

He was slightly swaying from side to side in the chair before turning towards her. “Come here.”

She kept her good mood as she settled on his lap. Her legs swung to one side, he hugged her. The _Falcon_ was silent, but it reminded her of escaping from the First Order. He had almost been inconsolable. She still didn’t understand how she had brought him back from it.

“We’re getting married tomorrow,” she whispered. “And you’ve taught me so much today.”

“I love you,” his voice was soft as his hands traced up her thigh. “I used to have so little hope for the future. But I feel it right now.”

She slowly shifted, spreading her legs to straddle his lap. His hand stayed under her tunic, gripping her bare backside as it settled against him.

“I used to be afraid of the future,” she felt his hand wind up her back and cross over to her stomach. “There wasn’t one for me until I found BB8.”

“I would have found you,” he said, meeting her eyes. “And I did.”

She kissed him then, lunging her hips forward with a low sigh. Her body always wanted him, even when she was angry with his actions. She gripped his jaw as his tongue tasted her mouth, spreading warmth down her body. He still tasted like sleep, despite how determined his firm hands were. She almost wished she had put on underclothes as she felt herself reacting to his touches, but it was so comfortable to sleep on the base without worrying about a quick escape. Those moments would come in only a short number of days. Now, she could be clean and fresh and sleep next to her lover and soon-to-be husband without a thought of danger. It was easier to put the oddness of the situation into that context. She had slept next to him in a light tunic that made it easier for him to touch her. The thought went straight to her sex and she heard him groan as her need bled between them.

She sat back and met his gaze and his eyes shone when he looked up at her.

Without words, she pushed off from him. He watched her as he slipped off his sleep pants. She let her gaze fall away to eye his erection, still amazed that she could bring this out in a man, let alone him. She still pictured herself as a plain girl from nowhere, despite everything. But he looked up at her with adoration and she let her eyes burn as she returned the stare.

She was in her nightwear, on the  _Falcon_ , in the middle of the night.

And she wanted to have him inside her.

It would take a lot for her not to want him and how he made her mind and her body feel.

Slowly, she straddled him again, lowering herself down onto his cock. She inhaled at the tip, then settled down to enjoy the rush of having him inside her. He was thick and long and always made her tense when he entered her. Being in control and being on top made it easier. This was easier love making. 

After the brief inhale of entrance, she turned her eyes towards his.

There wasn't just lust; there was love there.

The Force started humming between them as she kissed him, grabbing at his shoulders as she started to bring her body up and down onto him. Her hips rode him, enjoying riding his cock as her body started to warm and tighten around him. She wanted to come; she drew on the lessons from earlier and it turned her on further. Her body was still tight and small and she feared what the baby would bring. Pushing that from her mind, she ground her hips in quicker motions that met her body's need. He was either lost in her or the ship or the Force. She didn’t care; he was humming lightly, trying to guide her motions with his hands. Her body needed release and this was how she was going to get it.

“Kriff, Rey,” he gasped as she leaned back, gripping against the control panel as she opened her body more to him. The controls were dead but she still didn’t want to accidentally set anything off. Well, except for him.

Her thrusts were getting more desperate as her body started to demand more, feeling the friction of his cock start to build more and more heat inside of her. She didn’t know where it was coming from, how much she needed to orgasm right there. Feeling him move in and out of her was building into an overwhelming warmth that went beyond her sex. It carried her like a wave, making the speed of her thrusts grow faster and more intense. There was a spark that spread from him being inside her that seemed to grow from nothing but their love. It spread into her chest and she gasped, a sudden brightness reaching to grip her. His hips jerked up and hit the soft spot inside her body that made her shudder at the thrust. But the intensity of sex went beyond their bodies; she knew that he felt it too. Her hands started to falter as her body started to spasm and she gasped, losing all control.

She was shaking as she came, feeling like a star exploded in her body. Light shone around her as he thrust up into her; she distantly felt him fill her and follow her into the sun. It blossomed between them, enveloping them as the _Falcon_ was engulfed in a light that only they could see.

She danced in the light, letting warmth spill inside her body as it filled her chest. She wanted to inhale and exhale and knew that she was, but it still felt foreign to her. It was light there were two breaths leaving her mouth. 

Everything tingled and when she looked down at him, the light still shone and all that she could see was him.

He was still there. He was still real. 

And he loved her.

Her head spun and she sagged forward to grip at his shoulders. The Force was all around them; it started to overpower her and she felt tears sting her eyes as she met his mouth, wanting to feel the comfort of his kiss. The light wouldn’t fade and it started to burn her, despite how she wanted to fight it. She was shaking in his arms when he finally filled her mind, less confused but just as overcome as she felt. How could he handle this? She felt weak and vulnerable and the only one that could save her was him.

Every breath brought them closer. This wasn't like it was before. Where their bodies met still made her excited, but for a reason that she couldn't explain. Did he know what was going on?  

“What just happened?” She could finally speak, but only breathlessly. He was still inside of her, but she could feel being inside of herself as his mind came into her focus: her softness, her warmth, the gentle tightness of her sex. She felt her heartbeat, but also his, and the baby’s.

Her teeth chattered together before he could speak. All she could sense from him was pure adoration, shining between them. But behind that, there was all of the life in the galaxy. Just a taste of it left her stunned.

He kissed her shoulder and the softness of it seemed to extend like the night's sky. His face was nuzzling against her and she drank every sensation in. His forehead was damp from sweat and it felt somehow more real, like it was her own sweat beading from her body. “It’s a Force bond.”

“What?”

His hands were warm against her back and he was bright in her mind, trying to reassure her at the same time panic was creeping into his thoughts. “The Force has tied us together.”

“Hasn’t it already? The mind bond?”

He kissed up her cheek, stopping beside her mouth. “That was more of a training bond.”

“Then what’s this?”

His nervous hands settled on her hips, slowly. “It’s a life bond.”

She shifted slightly, trying to meet his eyes.

He didn’t need to speak.

She knew what it meant.

Their destinies were now entwined; if he died, she would die with him.

She kissed him softly at the thought, feeling his dread course through her, pressing stronger than her own emotions. The mind bond had been only a quarter of this. It was like being hit by a steady stream before, and now it was a torrent ebbing and flowing between them. She felt everything. His fear, his hope; there were no shields anymore.

“We’ll…have to learn how to deal with this,” he whispered, shaking his head. “I want you to have your own thoughts, your own feelings.”

“We will and I love you,” her voice was low against his skin as she hugged him, as something started pressing on her mind. “But Chewie is coming.”

He nodded. “Go to the fresher. I’ll take care of it.”

And that’s how Rey spent her last night unmarried: forging a Force bond and carefully trying to reach the fresher without making a mess and avoiding a sleepy Wookie.

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

Ben was happily drunk. He rarely got drunk, but just now it settled over him like a gentle numbness that washed out the harsher edges of the world. He decided that it was pleasant, and so he settled on being happy. He was watching Poe Dameron stare at the glass of alcohol he had suspended above just their heads. The other man was squinting and shaking his head.

“I still don’t get it,” Poe said, sitting back. He had invited himself to the table about an hour ago, presenting a nearly full bottle that was edging on less than half empty now. No one had bothered to come near him unless Rey was at his side. Now, she was happily dancing with C3PO amidst other couples and groups as the mess hall continued to descend into merriment, brought on by strong liquor and people using it to fight discomfort. The lights had been dimmed and instruments had appeared out of nowhere once the alcohol started to flow and hit the group.

This was his wedding party and he had planned on spending it alone, aside from holding his wife.

But then, enter Dameron.

“It’s simple,” he shrugged, letting his glass drift back to his hand. “But I can’t tell you why.”

“So the Force really is just making shit float?”

He took a long drink and then actually laughed. “Basically.”

Dameron raised his glass and matched him, nearly draining his own liquor with a small grimace. Shaking off the feeling, he leaned back again, smirking at him. “Hey, remember the time that you tried to kill me?”

“You’ll have to be specific. There was more than one time,” he countered, finishing his glass and reaching for the bottle.

“The time when you had me strapped to a chair. I was all bloody, swearing at you. That time,” he nodded when Ben offered to refill both of their glasses.

“To your weak mind,” Ben said, raising his newly-filled drink.

Poe’s grin broadened. “To my weak mind.”

Their glasses met and Ben took another sip of the burning liquid before leaning back. It had been a long and odd day.

But he was happy at the end of it. Or at least thought that he was.

It was still strange to be more happy than angry. It still tugged at him, like the clothes that were given to him that never seemed to fit right.

The morning planning meeting had been stressful. Now, they had more pilots and other Resistance fighters with them as the departure day loomed. It would be in five days, as the rest of the base was carefully transferred to a moveable fleet of ships and transports. The resources there were nearly gone; it really was time to move on. Poe had looked at him with surprisingly supportive eyes and nodded as he repeated the plans to the new members of the party. Ben had carefully recreated what he remembered about the fuel facility, pointing to the two weak points: power generators on opposite sides of the massive complex that stretched over the planet. They had learnt from their mistakes and now divided power between them. But, if they were both hit at the right time, from inside, it would disable most of the shielding, making it an easy attack. It was laden with explosive material and a crew that would be inexperienced in dealing with combat. It would signal his return and he wanted to make a statement. He nearly said as much until he felt Rey reel him in. Instead, he focused on controlling his emotions and making it more about the rise of the Resistance. That got most of the room on his side as he sat down and let Poe describe the role of the fighters in the attack. That was when Ben took in the room and focused on one mind in particular.

Finn was silent unless spoken to and Ben had to avoid directly looking at the former Stormtrooper. Rey was concerned and he was starting to wonder about the balance in their friendship. He remembered his encounter with the female maintenance worker and rethought her words. There was something there that annoyed him. He wasn’t threatened, just perturbed.

Back in the hall now, Dameron was rambling about something important that he had done on another mission—thankfully _not_ Starkiller—and Ben let his mind drift back to the late afternoon instead, avoiding the details of the mission for now. He needed his ship to truly show them what they were up against.

The ceremony was exactly what he wanted: it was just them, his mother, and Chewie. They were outside, as the afternoon sun started to dip in the sky towards sunset. Rey looked like his grandmother’s dress had been made for her. She still filled his head with anxiety about it, but he let her know that he needed a rebirth from the past: let the dress take new meaning rather than destroy it. His grandparents had married out of love that descended into darkness. He would no longer follow that path. There hadn’t been much time to work on the link, but he had more control over his shields than Rey. He was still able to hide pockets of his feelings from her and knew that she was testing doing the same. It was well deserved.

He had worn a deep brown that was nearly black. It felt right.

His mother wed them and he kissed Rey, feeling the lifebond, forged by the Force without his choice, glow around them. Despite how he hated things beyond his control, this bond was a dangerous gift. Rey’s heart was his, but so was her life. He caught the hidden yet overjoyed look on his mother’s face when they parted, but also saw nervousness at the corners of her eyes.

She knew. She felt it too.

Part of him didn’t care. Rey was annoyed at him for that, and he apologized but still didn’t change his way of thinking.

The evening meal was well underway when his mother made them walk into the mess hall. He was biting the inside of his mouth to keep from screaming. This part was for Rey and his mother, but mostly for Leia. He had to give them this scene of public humiliation. He had run his free hand through his hair, trying to draw on Rey’s strength to keep walking. That was the only way he fully got into the open room, teaming with people who either openly hated him, feared him, or simply didn’t care.

The voices had fallen silent when they entered and he gripped Rey’s hand harder. He remembered thinking that if his mother made him speak, he would scream. Rey’s amusement had only confirmed that impulse.

She disliked the spectacle too, but thought more about the people there than herself. He’d missed that part.

His mother’s words had been simple, but still suited the occasion. Love, in the midst of dangerous times, shouldn’t be discouraged or hindered. It was meant to be shared and spread, showing that hope still and would always exist.

That’s when trays filled with bottles and better food were wheeled out by staff that his mother had been organizing earlier in the day, and were met with light applause and the sound of shuffling bodies rising to their feet out of duty and the prospect of alcohol and real food over joy for them. He felt a slight sadness from Rey and shook his head. They weren’t angry at her, only him.

Glasses were filled and Leia announced their marriage. He didn’t think that he could remember a more frightened toast in his life, but given the First Order, he had probably been the subject of many secret ovations in the quarters of his former officers.

But now, the night was what Rey had wanted. She was laughing and showing off the dress, enjoying being the centre of attention as long as he kept his eyes on her. C3PO seemed to be constantly peppering her with details about the stitching as R2D2 beeped almost melancholy tones in response. Ben felt and heard it all. The lifebond dug deep into him, loosening his feelings more than alcohol ever could.

Poe finally quit talking and glanced over his shoulder to spot Rey, laughing with some of his pilots.

“She’s unbelievable,” Poe said, turning back to him. “You needed her.”

“Yes,” Ben focused on the man across from him, flicking his eyes away from Rey as Finn approached her. He desperately tried to make his drunken brain comply with his unwillingness to let Rey know that the man bothered him. “And now I need more to drink.”

He refilled both of their glasses as Dameron offered him another grin. He actually seemed to like him; that should bother him, but he shook it off. He would never be normal, but friends…he could stomach friends.

“We can do this right, the mission? That facility will make them hurt?” Poe asked, his face turning temporarily serious.

Ben had to nod. “It will mostly disrupt procedure. That’s really all that they’re running on. Joining the First Order is…looking for structure. Most people are lying to themselves when they think that it will fix anything.”

Poe slowly nodded, then smirked again. “I think that it’s good that you’re on our side. For what it’s worth.”

He was about to thank the man—he _must_ be drunk— when he felt his mother behind him and purposely didn’t react. Focusing on her and Poe had kept Rey’s thoughts from his and he welcomed it. Slowly, she sat down beside him, placing a bottle of wine on the table. That was the last thing that he needed. She poured herself a glass and raised it towards him.

“To you and your bride,” she smiled.

He clinked his glass to hers and Poe nodded, raising his glass in return.

“To tomorrow’s hangover,” Poe added.

“That too,” Ben answered. “And to the mission.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll have your back,” the other man replied, pushing himself awkwardly to his feet. “Hey, can I go dance with your new wife?”

Instead of speaking, Ben just nodded. There were still times when silence worked better than words.

His mother leaned closer to him. “Here, taste this.”

He raised an eyebrow, but still accepted her glass. It was a dense green wine, dry with hints of fruits that he couldn’t place; there was a lingering bitterness that had long faded over time. His palate had already been destroyed by the harsher alcohol, but breathed in the aroma after his brief taste of the liquid. He saw mountains, forests, and waterfalls when he closed his eyes.

“Where did you get this?” Snapping his eyes open, he met her amused gaze with a look of shock. “This is…”

“Alderaanian emerald wine,” she quirked her lips, taking back her glass. “Get rid of that swill and have a proper drink with me.”

He downed the last of his glass and glanced around for water. He spotted a carafe on the next table and lazily brought it to him, reaching out his hand and calling it to their table. He saw her roll her eyes, not realizing he snatched it from the midst of a group of people. Ignoring them, he poured water into his glass and downed it before clumsily sliding his now-empty glass towards her.

“I’ve never seen you drunk before,” she poured the green liquid into his glass and he had to shrug.

“It rarely happens,” he paused, hearing growing laughter across the room. Dameron had Rey in his arms and she had burst out giggling, sending warmth and happiness straight into his heart. He lifted his head and caught her eyes. She waved, still grinning. With one thought, he asked her to come to him. Their bond sung as she held his eyes and the noises and music faded.

She straightened, fixing the dress as she lifted her head.

The world blurred out and all he saw was her, slowly waving off her friends to return to him.

“Hello Leia,” Rey greeted, moving to flop down on his lap, draping her legs across his. “Thank you so much for today. Everyone is really enjoying themselves.”

He settled his chin on her shoulder, kissing her neck. “Yes, Leia. Thank you.”

“I didn’t really do anything,” she sipped at her wine. “It all just came together for you both.”

Poe returned, dragging along a dark-haired pilot who looked slightly drunk, but still kept her guard when they sat down. He retrieved his glass and took a long drink, sighing as he did. He refilled the glass and made her drink it, smiling as she frowned after downing it.

“You have to taste this,” Ben lifted his glass to Rey. “It’s another surprise from my mother.”

She shook her head. “I’m fine, Ben.”

He shifted the glass to his other arm and took in the wine that must be over a half-century old. How long had she been saving it? For this? For him? He carefully set the glass down and angled his face towards her. She looked down at him and he couldn’t help himself from quickly kissing her, passing the taste of the sacred liquid onto her lips.

She blinked as she gently pulled away. “That’s amazing. What is it?”

Leia just shook her head, running her hand down the bottle. “Something from a long time ago. It's just a bottle of memories.”

Rey searched his mind and gasped at the images that he sent her. They were clearer than they ever were before. It was almost like they were walking on the edges of the long-dead planet. “You’ve given us too much, Leia.”

She just smiled, lifting herself from the table. She gripped the bottle and looked at them both. “Enjoy your night, Rey. Ben.”

She turned and left and Ben gripped Rey closer. She leaned against him as they exchanged mutual worry. Ben’s hand settled on her stomach, rubbing a small circle against the soft lace that clung to her body.

Poe was eyeing them. Ben could feel it.

“Wait…” He started saying before Ben met his eyes and with a slight wink. Part of him wanted to brush the thought from the other man’s mind with a touch of the Force, but let him have his revelation. Poe’s mouth snapped shut and he grinned, only nodding. He briefly raised his glass and then took his female friend by the hand and led her away from the table.

“Everyone is having a great time,” Rey shifted, settling in the seat that Leia had vacated. A grin spread across her face again as she stretched out her hands to rest them on his knees. “And you’re drunk.”

He took a long sip of the wine and titled his head. “Well, you feel everything I do. Do you like it?”

“It made it easier not to drink myself.”

“Then I did it for you,” he smiled, feeling looser with every minute. “Go dance. Do something. You need it.”

She lifted her head back to the distant group of people, still laughing and singing along to the small group of impromptu musicians in the darkly lit room. She’d shed the lacy head covering long ago, but he still saw the hint of it resting atop her head. He was drunk. He wanted to go to bed, but needed her to have her own time.

She swirled her hands around his kneecaps and then slowly nodded. She let their bond guide her as she quietly kissed him before leaving him alone at his table.

He needed to go.

He swayed when he stood and shook his head at his own weakness. Snatching up his glass and the bottle, he forced himself to walk straight, towards one of the many hallways that made up the complex. He was not going to spill the wine or lose his grip on the last of the hard alcohol; that’s what he was focused on as he made his way slowly back to their quarters.

“Hey, congratulations!” A bright-faced young man grinned at him as he walked by him, moving towards the hall as he was walking away from it.

He returned the comment with a tight smile and kept walking.

But instead of going to bed, he made his way back to the _Falcon_. His feet guided him instead of his head. The ramp was still down and he stumbled at the bottom. Shaking off the irritation, he made his way onboard towards the cockpit.

This time, he sat in the co-pilot’s seat.

Setting the bottle on the floor, he leaned back in the seat. He let the memories flow as he sipped at the last of the wine from his mother’s adoptive world. She had worked hard and had felt happiness, but he would never say that she had a happy or easy life. He was a big part of that, but other hands had forced many of his choices: Snoke’s manipulation, Luke’s fear, his father’s arrogance. He would never forget his own culpability in his actions. He was inherently weak and foolhardy. He suddenly felt emptiness wash over him, and he could only partially blame it on what he’d had to drink.

Did he deserve to be happy?

Did he deserve to be there _and_ happy?

He looked around the empty, cold ship and fought back tears.

“To you, Han,” he said to the empty cockpit, raising the last of his wine. “I miss you.”

He drained the glass and sat back, reaching out into the stars for anything to stir.

He was met with silence.

It was for the best.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

Finn thought it would get better when they left the planet. He had decided that it _would_ get better. He had helped load the ship and was determined not to argue. The mood in the hanger was sombre and he didn’t want to add to it. He was going on a mission; he _liked_ going on missions. He was part of a team that would work as equals, he hoped.

His best intentions quickly fell apart when he felt like he was only a secondary thought to the rest of small crew on the _Falcon_.

His jaw was stiff as he swayed back and forth in the co-pilot’s seat, trying to follow Rey’s instructions. They would be nearing the planet soon and she had decided that there were still things that she could show him in the time that they had. Instead, all he could focus on were her hands.

He’d watched them brush against his chest when they didn’t notice he was in the same area of the ship.

He’d seen her tuck a strand of hair behind his ear as they worked to repair a fuel pump malfunction.

“Finn? Are you listening?” She asked, tilting her head. “We’ll need you to help Chewie when we’re gone.”

Shaking his head, he blinked. “Yeah, I think I got it. You can’t land without turning off the secondary, whatever. Module.”

She sighed, sitting back. “It’s not just a secondary whatever. It seals off the fuel pump.”

“Got it.”

Rey frowned at him, looking at him with a long impatient stare. “I’m going to go check on the others.”

He nodded, pretending to study the controls again. They’d left the base yesterday, ahead of the remaining Resistance. Rose had hugged him tightly as he left their quarters. There was nothing more intimate than cuddling that night. He had felt her growing more distant since the night of that damned wedding. He hadn’t done anything that would push her away, he thought, but her smiles were tighter and her hands would fall away faster when they embraced.

Giving up on the console, he closed his eyes. He should be concerned about the mission. He wouldn’t be facing people that he knew, but people that had been in the same situation as he had been. He’d seen what life beyond the First Order was like; it was hard, but also filled with people who cared deeply about others and were searching for lives that were worth living. He had people that depended on him and someone who cared about it.

But the drive was slipping away from him.

The thought settled in his chest, making him groan.

He opened his eyes at gazed at the streaking lights of the _Falcon_ in hyperdrive.

The Resistance had given him a home, but where would he go when it was over? To live on a ship with Rose doing maintenance work? He drummed his hand on the console and frowned.

He hadn’t heard footsteps but suddenly a dark figure slid into the pilot’s seat. Ben glanced at the readout, frowned and then looked at him.

Now, he was dressed as Kylo Ren again.

The same dark collar and cape that used to bring him nightmares sat around his shoulders. Finn felt himself sitting up straighter.

“We’ll be there soon,” Ben turned, his eyes intense. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Ben eyed him, leaning back in his chair. “Then take us out of hyperspace.”

“Doesn’t it do that automatically?”

His face was neutral but his lip quirked slightly. “Were you even listening to Rey when she was trying to teach you?”

Finn pursed his lips, feeling his face getting warm. “She didn’t tell me everything.”

Ben kept his eyes on him and extended one hand to bring them out of hyperspace. The ship hung in space like the breath that Finn was holding. Standing, Ben kept his gaze settled on him, making Finn breathe uneasily.

“I don’t care that you don’t like me,” Ben’s voice was low, taking a slow step towards him. “I don’t even care if you hate me. Just complete the mission.”

Finn shot to his feet. “Yeah, you’re right, I don’t like you. But don’t doubt me about this mission. If there’s something I’m good at, it’s cleaning up your mess.”

The other man didn’t react, only softly exhaling. “You’re mad that she doesn’t love you.”

He shoved him then, hard, knocking him back. Ben stumbled only slightly, bracing his hand against the wall of the cockpit. There was no malice in his eyes, only quiet focus.

“Stay out of my head!” Finn shouted, glaring.

“I don’t need to read your mind to know how you feel,” Ben’s calm frustrated him. He straightened his jacket and fixed his cloak, giving him one last long look before stalking out of the cockpit.

Finn wasn’t going to back down from this.

“You’ve never said that you’re sorry for anything that you put me through,” Finn snapped, arguing over the dark shoulder as they moved towards the centre of the ship. “Do you have _any_ idea how many people I’ve seen die? Because of _you_?”

In the light of the common area, Ben finally turned. Finn could see the sereneness starting to fade into anger and narrowed his eyes, wanting a reaction. “Why would I have to apologize to you specifically? Do you think that it would just undo everything? Every hurt that you’ve ever felt? They would just be words, said by someone who happened to be there, also following orders.”

He heard the dull sound of boots but kept his eyes on the tall man in black. He lifted his voice, not yelling but nearly there. “How is everyone buying this? You’re still the same. You’re a murderer and a monster and I’ll never believe you’ve changed.”

Ben stood there, eyes still focused on him. Finn wanted to hit him. He’d seen this man lose control and then be eerily calm. He knew that he could explode in an instant and wanted to tempt that reaction to show Rey who she was with. How could she not see all of this?

“He has changed,” Rey’s voice nearly made him back down, but he didn’t turn. “Finn, stop.”

“He tried to kill us both, Rey,” he straightened his shoulders. “I almost _died_.”

Ben took a deep breath and stepped back, towards Rey. How can she keep siding with this monster? How can she be _married_ to this beast in the skin of a man?

“Stop it,” she snapped. “Finn, please. This is not the time.”

He turned to face them both, feeling fury rise in his chest at seeing them standing so close together. “I really don’t know you anymore.”

Finn left for the cockpit before he could say anything else. The last thing he saw out of the corner of his eye was Ben stopping Rey from going to him.


	14. Chapter 14

 

BB8 beeped a string of anxieties as they watched the pod leave the _Falcon_. The X-Wing squadron, made up of ten craft, loomed near the other ship, waiting to be joined by the First Order ship when it lifted from the surface. The dull blue of the planet glistened outside of his cockpit, bringing the first stage of the mission into crisp reality. The idea of letting Ben and Rey go down to the planet made him inwardly panic; the Force, or whatever, was telling them something and that they needed the ship to lead them into certain danger.

Whenever that would be, Poe sighed to himself, biting the inside of his mouth and humming to himself.

He was mostly thankful to be away from the organized departure from the base. Part of him was torn about leaving a place that had mostly been safe and had become a sort of home. He rarely spent long in one place so it was strange to think of somewhere as _home_. They’d been there for nearly five months without being found; three of those months included the joys of watching the First Order actually start to scramble and then tighten their communications leaks.

And just a few days ago, he’d had drinks with the man at the centre of that confusion.

“How long do we wait?” A soft female voice filled his ears.

He shook his head, mostly to himself. “I guess as long as it takes, Jess. Ben is fairly confident in getting there and back in under an hour.”

“So he’s your friend now?” Jessika Pava sounded a little sharp, but he let it go. Her voice echoed in his headset and he had to keep his eyes focused at the space where the pod had been and wonder about the entire situation.

Despite his need for a mission, this wasn’t a normal one. Was any mission normal? He went into battle with friends and colleagues so many times before. Why should now be any different?

“We had a few drinks,” he said, checking his levels. “He’s not that bad after a few drinks.”

“Yeah, sure Poe,” another pilot, Bron, piped up.

“Shouldn’t you guys be reviewing battle plans or something?” Poe managed to say, before actually rolling his eyes. “Do something useful.”

There wasn’t much else to do but wait. He heard the others start to randomly discuss their encounters with Ben Solo and tuned most of them out. He was more talkative in meetings, but still avoided most people unless Rey was with him. The morning—or afternoon—after the wedding party, Poe had managed to make the meeting on time. He was sipping on a glass of water and exchanged a long look with the man who looked perfectly fine. Whatever secret he had, Poe wanted it. Rey and Leia were a few minutes late, but Ben started the meeting. It was the first time that he actively started the docket and Poe took a moment to scan the room. If it weren’t for the awkward meetings in the hallway, they’d be more behind him.

Finn’s leg had been nervously shaking beside him and Poe cast a firm gaze at the motion. They’d talked about all this, he’d thought. Rose had looked more like herself, as far as he knew, she he thought that things were fine. He’d caught up with Finn in the mess hall that previous night and he had given him a confident smile that things were fine. There were many things that Poe didn’t like; one of them was friends lying to him.

He let his mind go back to the mission before he continued down the dangerous path of worrying about what was happening on the _Falcon_.

Ben and Rey would get the First Order ship. Step one.

Step two, would be them leading their small caravan towards the fuel facility. They’d drop back a few parsecs, hiding behind the twin moons of the planet that the extraction plant was on. During the journey, they’d get the more-detailed plans that Ben had assured them would be there.

Poe wanted his confidence in making these plans. Normally, he’d be all for someone diving headfirst into attacking the First Order to make a statement. But he was getting an itching feeling about the whole thing. He was smart enough not to put blind trust into anyone else’s confidence aside from his own.

It was both the longest and the shortest half hour of Poe’s life before they caught the First Order craft on their readouts. He grinned at BBQ’s excited tones, relaying the schematics of the craft.

“Yeah, I see it buddy,” he smirked. “Let’s hope that it’s them.”

His console blinked, signalling the incoming contact. He instantly hit it and pretended that he wasn’t holding his breath.

“Do you hear us?” It was Rey. He could hear a smile in her voice, or at least was happy to imagine it.

“Yeah, we hear you,” he answered. “Lead the way.”

“Ben’s sending over the exact plans before we make the jump,” she cleanly said. “Let us know when _everyone_ has them and we’ll go.”

Craning over to watch the readout, he tried not to read too much into the statement. He knew who it was aimed at without having to guess.

“Kriff, Finn,” he mumbled under his breath.

The transfer was complete and he nodded at the speed. “Got it.”

The rest of his squadron chimed in to confirm.

That left only one ship.

After a few seconds of silence, the tones of Chewbacca instead of Finn crossed through the commlink.

“Great,” Rey answered. “The course is in there. Follow us and break off when we reach the system. We can’t risk being detected.”

BB8 suddenly chirped a long warning, catching his attention. There was a code buried in the plans. It was hidden enough not to be instantly detected, but a stray digit here and there had sent BB8 into hysterics.

“Wait, just wait,” he said, his voice getting tighter. “Tell that to me again, bud.”

The warning now shifted to grim tones.

“There’s something else here.”

“What else?” It was Ben’s voice now. “Tell us now.”

He watched as his holographic display shifted from the plans to the fuel facility, flickering into a small sphere, half-constructed, quivering as it spun.

“They’re…they’re building _something_ ,” he couldn’t form the words and instead punched the button to spread it to the rest of the ships. He held his breath at the long silence that was only briefly broken by static.

“I didn’t know about this,” there was a tight rage in Ben’s voice. “This was hidden from me.”

“It’s…it’s another Death Star,” Finn’s voice finally joined their conversation. “How could you _not_ know about it?”

“We’re not arguing now,” Rey answered. “We need to inform the others _right now_.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Poe nodded. “Jess, we can’t send this by transmission. Head back to the fleet. This changes all of our plans.”

He heard Pava take a long, deep sigh. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“We all do,” he swallowed. “Go now. Bron, follow her. Don’t get stopped by anyone.”

“Got it,” they responded in unison.

He watched their ships snap away and gripped his controls. “So do we just go ahead with what we’ve planned?”

“They hid this from me for a reason,” Ben’s voice had dropped to a tone that sounded more like Kylo Ren now. “We will go ahead with what we’ve planned and leave the rest to my mother.”

“May the Force be with us,” Poe dared to say.

He thought he heard Ben sigh in the background, but it was Rey’s voice that answered. “Let’s hope that we won’t need it.”

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

Rose had tried to be less of a nervous person: less pacing, less annoying laughter. It was easier to be more angry than nervous as she stood with Finn’s pack at her feet by the quarters that they were supposed to share.

The pack sat on the corridor floor, echoing how they first met.

He’d tried to run away from danger and now he was diving headfirst into it.

The pack had sat in their quarters since they’d arrived on the ship, about a day ago. She had stared at it, unable to sleep at night. Now, in the morning, she’d made a decision.

She should be there, on the mission, Paige’s voice whispered in the back of her mind. She’d proven that she wasn’t just meant to lurk behind pipes all day.

Well, I’m not, Rose countered. _I’m back at the start, only without you_.

Taking a deep breath, she left the pack outside and started down the corridor for the engineering section. She needed a task, she needed a job, she needed anything to keep her mind from regretting what she was doing.

It was almost welcoming to breathe recycled air again. It was consistent and cool, keeping her feet moving steadily down towards the lift. The evacuation hadn’t been hasty; it had been orderly and thorough. It wasn’t a race and the panic from other quick exits hadn’t stirred up pure fear. Now, it was just following orders and waiting for decisions to be made.

The tensions tasted differently when she got to her workstation.

The crew chief, Wayquet, tilted his head at her and frowned.

“I don’t really have anything for you right now,” he said with a shrug. “For once, we’re on a ship that works.”

Her shoulders sagged and she almost stamped her foot on the floor. “Not even basic maintenance?”

He leaned his large frame on the terminal. Everyone else was keeping busy, moving around with checklists and tasks. She’d mop the floor at this point to keep memories of Finn from her mind.

Wayquet’s large eyes traced up and down face. “You’re disappointed by _not_ having work?”

“Just…” she paused to shake her head. “I don’t want to be useless.”

“Go and rest, Rose,” he answered, standing up straighter and shaking his red-furred head. “Be back for night shift. I’ll have work for you then.”

She gave him a rough not and turned and left, passing by colleagues that hardly acknowledged her. It was like everyone _knew_ her business, even though they had no clue.

Wandering randomly, she went up to the command centre. Her feet made their way there without her thinking about it really. Instead, she thought about everything other than Finn and how he’d left her behind. She thought about her childhood with her sister, focusing on warm and happy memories before their world was stripped and shuttered to the side. Having warm honeycakes for breakfast and cleaning every crumb from their plates. Paige teasing her getting their playthings sticky by the afternoon.

Glancing around the bustling command centre, her mind drifted to Paige’s death.

She imagined her fear and her drive as she sat in an empty chair, watching Leia lowly discuss some plan to C3P0, who was nodding and arguing against her. She missed having a role in all of this and felt isolated in her recollections.

Leia slowly turned her head to her and she tensed.

“Let me guess, they can’t find anything for you to do,” the older woman smirked lightly at her and Rose almost relaxed. She stood and crossed the floor to stand by the command panel.

“It’s probably a good thing.” She shrugged, “Now we have enough people.”

“Still,” Leia lightly sighed. “You’re good at what you do so they should let you do that.”

“I feel like I should be there to help,” she said as she set her hands on the console. “I really want to help Rey and Ben.”

“And Finn.”

She frowned again. “Him too.”

“The people who we care about are doing something dangerous. There’s a lot of waiting in war and we tend to forget about that,” Leia answered as a firm frown set across her face. “I finally have my son back and he’s already running off.”

“I talked with him the other day,” she said, lightly. “He seems…nice.”

“Now, that’s a lie,” Leia smirked, eyes turning to the readout. “He likes making things hard for himself.”

“That would explain why he’s still worried about hurting Rey. I…I used to think that love could fix everything. Maybe I still do, but it’s getting harder. Why…why do you think that we fall in love? Is it just because it’s there?” The words didn’t even make sense as they left her mouth, but she saw Leia nodding and guessed that she’d put it right.

“With everything that’s happening, we should be thankful that love still exists.” Leia’s hands moved to rest heavily on the console. Rose’s sharp eyes spotted how they shook slightly.

“I don’t want to live in a galaxy without love,” Rose quickly answered. _I just wish that I still felt it in my life._

Leia looked like she was about to speak with Connix’s voice from the communications console cut off her reply.

“General, two of our X-Wings are back,” she spun in her chair to call across the deck. “Pava’s asking to talk to you.”

Dread set in Rose’s stomach. Why were they back? What had gone wrong? They had long-range communications, didn’t they?

“Put her through.”

“General,” Pava’s voice was panicked as it filled the bridge. “I’m sending you plans over a secure channel. You have to see this, because you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

After a short silence, the bridge was filled with the hushed turning of heads towards the holoprojector at the centre of the room.

Leia gripped the console again and Rose noticed how her knees shook.

The holograph flickered as it started to spin, a skeleton of death flashing in their eyes.

“It looks just like it did on Endor,” Leia whispered, bringing her hand to her mouth. She slowly shook her head and then stood up straighter. “How did you get this?”

“BB8 picked it up when we got the plans to the fuel depot,” Pava answered. “What…what do we do?”

How could anyone answer that? Rose thought. Then again, she was standing with one of the few people that might have the right answer.

“Do they know that we know?”

“We…we don’t think so.”

How could so many people make so much silence? Rose could almost hear everyone holding their breath, suddenly not able to make quick decisions or perform the simple tasks of planning. Ben had been wrong about how people strategized; everyone in that room was thinking about the consequences of that vessel. 

“Then we won’t let them know that,” Leia nodded, her voice firming. “Jess, land and get up here. We’re going to find its weakness. When the others get back, we’ll proceed.”

“Right, sure.”

The comm went silent and the bridge started chattering instantly, crowding around the console, pointing and pulling up further schematics. This wasn't her place. She wasn't a planner, so was a doer who had nothing to do. She was pushed aside and she slowly slipped out of the room without being noticed.

Paige would have stayed, but Rose just wanted to leave. If she could go anywhere, she’d go home and eat honeycakes and make a mess on the kitchen table. But the cakes would sometimes be burnt and her sister wasn’t always perfect. They would argue and fight, but would always make up after it. And then, their world was gone and Paige was dead. She just had the images and tastes, but when she died, those things would truly be gone. This new Death Star was going to wipe out millions of memories, if they didn’t stop it.

Nearing her quarters, her head fell at the sight of Finn's pack.

Was the past really better or did it just seem that way?

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

Rey had been sick on the planet. She had felt better the last few mornings, alternating between feeling ill but happy and then exhausted and nervous, but landing in the pod brought everything up.

The shock of being back on their world probably had made it worse.

Standing in the place where they had truly come together made her hands shake, not just from the cold but the feelings of returning to this planet that had brought him back to the light. This was also the spot where he had threatened to abandon her, making her tears more from melancholy than strain.

He’d rubbed her back, saying soothing words before she waved him off. He stood by there for a few dumb seconds before walking towards the ruins, taking long and determined strides to find something to distract himself. He was already on edge and her feeling ill didn’t help his mood. Things had been strained on the _Falcon_ and now they were here, churning up ghosts of themselves. They’d calculated wrong and there would be a short walk to his craft, but her urge to vomit had overwhelmed her. Their baby wasn’t happy, and neither was she. She felt the nerves of the mission start to press on her and had to fight against them for all of them.

She lifted her head and could almost catch the hint of their home, nestled in the distance.

Turning, she frowned, pulling her grey cloak around her. Their share of the bombs, small canisters filled with detonators, rested in the snow.

They could run now. They could go back now and it would all be over. She took a few steps away, wanting to catch just a glimpse of something other than trees. She smiled finally at the thought of the animal and the joy of seeing something that was beyond them. That was Ben’s doing. He wanted to test his strength and rewarded her in the process.

Her breath hung around her face, daring her to make a run for it.

She took a slow step forward and closed her eyes, searching for balance and peace.

Finally, she made herself to turn. She saw him standing with his back to her, at the edge of the ruins. His hands were ringing one of the canisters, the bag now by his side. Through their bond, she felt his deep and real conflicted emotions burning at the edges of his mind. When he felt her looking at him, he turned.

_I want to stay too._

She firmed her face.

His shoulders sagged.

_But we can’t._

He opened his arms after setting the canister with the others and she took the few steps between them to embrace him. It was hard not to cry, to know what could have been. She quickly shook her head and grabbed him by the arm.

“We need to go, they’re waiting,” she said through gritted teeth.

“This is why I…”

He started and she silenced him with a look and a cold stroke of her mind. His mouth settled shut into an annoyed line as she guided him back to their meeting spot, where he had taken away her fears with another look. It was hard not be angry with him in that moment; how could he still doubt her?

“I’m sorry.”

She finally had to turn, his ship in sight. “We are in this together.”

His brown eyes sparkled in the dull morning light. She could feel his heartbeat alongside hers and had to resist the bend of their bond. It had been too easy these last few days to get carried away by his emotions. After their wedding, she had felt a glut of his sadness. She had been dancing and laughing with Poe, watching him getting drunker by the minute, and then came a wave that threatened to knock her down. She had stumbled but felt warm arms around her. Ben was thinking about his father. Her words to him on Ahch-To bit at the back of her mind in that brief second, before she got back to herself. She sent him a wave of love and forgiveness, and hoped that he’d felt it.

She felt the same from him as they neared his ship. He took her hand as they landed the final steps.

The times that they had been apart weren’t forgotten, but were woven into who they were.

“Come on,” he finally said, climbing up the small ramp.

She took one last look at the snow. Their footsteps from only a few weeks ago were still etched in the ground.

Her hand slipped from his and she took a slow step away.

He paused. “Are you ill again? We can wait.”

“No,” her voice was smaller than she wanted. “I just want to remember.”

He took a deep breath and stepped to stand behind her, embracing her just when she needed him. His arms were firm and his thoughts were growing warm in the cold morning light.

“We will come back,” he murmured against her hair, lightly kissing her neck. “When this is over.”

“I hope so,” she relaxed for a moment before straightening again. “Let’s go.”

He didn’t say anything, just turned to walk up the ramp.

The cockpit was smaller than she expected and she had to sit in the seat with her back to his. He took command and her hands found nothing to do but fiddle in her lap. He sent her a wave of focus as they took off.

“Are you okay?”

His voice was cool but she could feel his anxiety returning as they lifted into the atmosphere. Instead of the usual joy that she felt from being off world, it pressed on her chest. If this was wrong, he’d feel it too. This was just her own nerves, she told herself.

“I will be soon,” she shook off her own feelings. “Do you have the schematics?”

His hands were swift on the console and she heard the sensors angrily tell them that there were enemy ships in the vicinity. Only now, they weren’t.

“Don’t worry,” he answered. “It’s my ship. It’s not connected to the central command. That’s why they couldn’t find me.”

“We need to send that to them now,” she reached for a headset and felt more in control when it fit around her ear.

“Do you hear us?” She said after Ben nudged her mind to tell her that it was her that should talk for them. She was fine with that.

“Yeah, we hear you,” Poe replied, and she grinned at his voice. “Lead the way.”

She didn’t have to say anything, just sense what he was doing and hear the tones of the console. They would be unstoppable with this link. It made her heart sing at what they could accomplish with the love that had transformed into something greater.

“Ben’s sending over the exact plans before we make the jump,” she adjusted the mic, hearing the clear tones of the transmission. “Let us know when everyone has them and we’ll go.”

In the few strained minutes of waiting, he felt him reach for her hand. She took it, still needing their physical connection. They’d made it off that world again. And now there was something dangerous out there for them. Again.

There was another dull bleep and she held her breath, waiting for the others to reply.

Poe was first. “Got it.”

There were other distant voices of confirmation, except for the one most familiar to her.

 _The Falcon hadn’t answered yet._ She gritted her teeth and Ben’s hand tightened on hers.

Finally, Chewie answered. Not Finn. Her disappointment made her jerk her hand away.

She inhaled, rolled her eyes and then answered. “Great. The course is in there. Follow us and break off when we reach the system. We can’t risk being detected.”

They were preparing for the jump and she let her head rest back, still fighting against the nausea from earlier. This wasn’t going to get better.

She jolted up when Poe’s voice broke the comm. “Wait, just wait. There’s something else here.”

The air was sucked out from around her. Ben’s hand was on the comm before she could speak.

“What else? Tell us now.”

She almost forgotten how he could sound at times. The tones made her quiver internally, drawing her into the distant past.

She wanted to reach for him but kept her hands in place. Instead she spoke in his mind, trying to dampen his fear. He was instantly annoyed at her but then softened, and finally agreed. Her earlier feelings of partnership fluttered in both of their chests and she felt him loosen his grip on pains about the future.

But then it all fell apart.

“They’re…they’re building something.”

And then a soft, glittering holo appeared on the side controls and they both turned. She felt their bond grip almost silent as he growled lowly to himself. She had to force herself into his mind and reached behind her, actually turning in her seat to see his eyes.

They were nearly black as he spoke, more to her than the rest of their ships.

“I didn’t know about this. This was hidden from me.”

“It’s…it’s another Death Star,” Finn came on the comm and Ben’s eyes jolted away from hers, but she still felt his reaction. “How could you not know about it?”

She needed to take charge because she felt him about to lose control. She’d have to analyze these emotions later. Now, she needed to speak for them both.

“We’re not arguing now. “We need to inform the others right now.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Poe replied, and then started giving commands to the rest of the ships and she forced herself from her seat to creep around the small ship to sit on his lap. It was cramped and awkward, but having him beneath her connected them. She felt a dark urge rising in him as he eyed the small bag of canisters resting in the cramped corner. She shook her head and dipped down to kiss him. His mouth was numb for a second before he responded, gripping her back and leaning into her.

_I am not okay. But I will be._

That was good enough for now.

Poe’s firm voice drew them back to reality. “So do we just go ahead with what we’ve planned?”

“They hid this from me for a reason.” Despite how he was looking at her, she couldn’t help but hear his old self in his voice. She gripped his shoulders and he closed his eyes, trying to draw on her strength. “We will go ahead with what we’ve planned and leave the rest to my mother.”

“May the Force be with us.”

She wanted to smile, but didn’t dare to. She reached her hand back to the comm, not leaving his body just yet. “Let’s hope that we won’t need it.”

She bent down to kiss him again and he seemed to pour his feelings into it. Breathing heavily, she ran her hands through his hair, trying to remind him of who they were now and what they were about to do.

“Let’s go,” she murmured as his lips traced up to nip at her ear. “They’re waiting.”

“You’ll need to move first.” He had his hands firmly on her waist and he gazed up at her. His eyes were haunted and his thoughts tasted of betrayal. “And I don’t want you to.”

“Don’t…don’t think about it,” her lips brushed his again. “Let’s let the others handle that for now. Let’s do our part.”

“Never stop loving me,” he seemed to be begging her, both in his words and the anxieties coursing through their bond. She had to center him. That’s what he was asking.

“Never,” she gave him a small smile as she eased off of him, back to her seat.

She instantly missed his body, but made herself to focus on her task. She watched the stars start to blur around her. He’d locked down his shields from her again. He had already figured out how to manipulate their bond and it made it hard to accept it.

“Don’t shut off from me,” she nearly snapped. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”

He sat back, sighing heavily. “I’m…the First Order was working against me from the start. Everything I tried to do was meaningless. I’m feeling sorry for myself. You don’t need to feel that way too.”

“What if I want to? Ben, this bond is a tool, not a burden.” She crossed her arms and rested back in her seat.

She could feel him grind his teeth and then loosen the grip on his mind. The flutter of images tingled in her chest. She saw him as Supreme Leader, brutal and unrelenting. This was before their contact. She saw how he needed to assert his power with cruelty and felt the tears come to her eyes as she watched him strangle an underling, just to prove to the gathered generals that he had the most power. That was his role then, not now. She had to repeat that to herself as she saw him catch side-lined glances out of the corner of his eyes in the memory, sensing whispered conversations and the instant regret at not punishing those who had spoke against him.

“That’s…that’s not you now,” she managed to say. “You’re in control now.”

“Don’t you get it?” His voice was harsh. “I tried to undermine them for you and the entire time they were working against me. They never believed in me. It’s all the same now. Except for you, I have no one who trusts me. Who am I? Who am I, Rey?”

Instead of going over to him, she resisted the urge. She held herself in her seat and clenched her teeth. “You’re my husband. And the man that will save the galaxy.”

“Then they will all pay.”

Her lip trembled at his tone and she heard him instantly suck in a breath of apology.

“It can be hard for me too, Rey,” he lightly reached for her and she waited a moment before taking his hand. “I’m trying to teach you, but I’m still learning myself.”

“I know you’re not perfect,” she turned her head and felt him turning with her. “But I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe in you. But I want you to believe in me too.”

“I do,” his voice was soft. “Without you, I’d still be alone.”

Her hand rested on her stomach and heard him sigh, feeling the light gesture. This wasn’t just for their loneliness any longer. It was for so much more.

The minutes and then hour passed in sorrowful quiet as they both reached for a future that they couldn’t see. The Force, which had so randomly given them this gift, was now silent. She passed the time looking at the plans for the facility; it had clean lines and was practically constructed. It was very much in line with the First Order and that made her feel sadness for the people who worked there. The ship fell out of hyperspace at his command and they both tensed as he groaned in frustration, finally breaking the silence.

“We’re there,” he said, shortly. “We need to talk to the others before we break away. We need to stop this…this wallowing. We are stronger than this.”

“Right,” she had to lightly wipe her eyes and felt his instant discomfort at the motion. It made her annoyed and knew that he felt it. “What do I say?”

“You know what to say,” he answered. “You always do.”

The words boosted her courage as she pulled up the comm mic again. “Poe, do you hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah,” his voice crackled across space. “So we are waiting and then what?”

“We will land with the Falcon and then do our thing,” she tried to smile as she spoke. “And then it’s up to you.”

“Got it. Take care of our man.”

That made her truly smile. She really didn’t like feeling sorry for herself for too long.

“See, I told you that he likes you,” she thumbed the mic and leaned back to Ben. She could feel a dull satisfaction coming from his still tense form.

“I still wish we sent the droid.”

“Quiet,” she smirked, then hit the comm again. “Finn, Chewie, give us a half an hour, but hopefully it will be sooner. We’re going to knock out the central radar and then you can land and take our the secondary complex. We’ll see you there.”

Finn’s voice was still cold. “Got it.”

She could feel Ben tense as the comm cut out. “I’m sorry about him, Rey.”

“It’s fine…he’s just…him, I guess,” she sighed. “Even if I don’t know him anymore.”

“You will again,” Ben’s voice was cut off by an angry tone from the controls. “They’ve detected us. It starts now.”

“Aren’t you going to answer them?”

He shrugged. “I never did before.”

Rey almost wished that she could throw up at that point. It would loosen the pressure on her chest and the dual anxiety pressing on her heart. She had to hold it back, testing her own shields as their craft came to a landing. He only gestured with his head for her to take the pack as he stalked down the exit ramp, grabbing his cloak as he went.

This was what she had feared in the back of her mind, having to watch Kylo Ren in action again.

But there she was, holstered the dull black bag at her side and hiding it underneath her cloak and walking into certain danger.

The planet’s air instantly burned her nose. She knew that he felt it too, but he seemed to ignore it. He’d forced her into wearing black as well, tying a tight tunic behind her back and a leather obi around her waist. Her lightsaber was visible; that was his choice. She should still look like his partner, but for another reason.

None of the First Order members that met them on the ground had faces that she knew, but she kept her hood up as he did as well.

“Supreme Leader!” A young man gasped, skidding to a halt. “We heard that you were dead!”

Ben’s shoulders were harsh and she could feel him glare at the poor boy. “You were mistaken. Take me to the command center. I need to know whose in charge here.”

“But where were you, I ugh...” the man’s words were cut off by Ben’s hand reached out to Force grip his throat and then toss him aside. The others in the party looked with wide eyes and then started to take them where they needed to go.

Rey followed, her head low and unquestioned.

His mind brushed hers as they strode across the rough surface. The planet was warm and there were bursts of fire and bitter gas in the distance. She pulled the long end of her tunic over her mouth as she followed their party towards the steel complex that jutted out from the jagged hillside.

_He is fine. This is what we have to do._

Her thoughts were still torn as she glanced over her shoulder, seeing the fallen man getting to his knees to cough. _I know._

Her heels hit the steel ramp way and she followed the First Order officers up the stairs towards the command centre. In her mind, she was counting down the minutes until Finn and Chewie needed to hear from them. He felt her panic and tried to assure her of what would happen. He sent her a Force image; he’d seen what would play out and her feet found new certainty. This was her partner, her husband, and he was in control.

The voices of the small command crew chattered to an instant silence when they entered the room.

“Sir,” the highest ranked man stood. “We…you deserted us.”

She took her place by Ben’s side now, at the pressing urge from his mind. She pulled down her tunic and tossed down her cloak. The middle-aged man looked at her with confusion and then back to Ben.

“I have the last Jedi. Tell Hux that.” He glared. “Now I want to know what you’re doing wrong here. And then you should all leave.”

“But...” the first man looked confused, glancing around the room for support, but found none. “Yes, sir. Of course.”

She had to listen to two nervous voices give unfocused reports. There had been a decline in ore and the production was only working at 75%. The two senior officers looked like they were accepting their deaths when Ben’s hand shot out to gesture for them to leave. Boots shuffled and emotions swirled in her mind.

“Finally,” he said, moving towards the panel. “They’ve only been here for a day. They have no idea about the output levels.”

“Why were they selected for this?” She asked. She’d picked up traces of the small groups pasts. None of them were prepared for taking over the facility.

He shrugged and gave her a small smirk. “Their most recent performance evaluations were not acceptable.”

Rey snorted a laugh, taking the seat beside him. “Why would anyone join the First Order?”

He didn’t have a response, but instead shook his head with a light smile. He turned back to the controls and she frowned when she saw him enter several different codes to mask what he was about to do. There was no alarm when she felt him find his goal.

“It’s disabled,” he said, standing again. “We need to go.”

She followed him towards the opposite door, activating the beacon on her belt. Finn and Chewie could do their part now. Then they’d regroup at the secondary facility and leave. It should be easier for them; she was hiding in plain sight.

Her pulse quickened as they left the command center for the dark interior of the facility. The walkways and stairs jutted out harshly from the rocky walls. Lights were dim, only briefly flashing from below. She’d studied the schematics. She knew where they had to go but seeing it still made it hard for her to move. Something was holding her back. He glanced over his shoulder and his forehead creased in concern.

 _We need to move quickly_. She didn’t dare speak, gripping the handrail beside her. The dirt and dust from the heavy machinery grinding from within would have shielded her voice, but her growing dread clamped down on her throat.

His eyes held hers for a long moment. _Forgive me if I need to kill someone._

She could only nod and he turned to descend the steel stairs.

The clanging of his boots panged along with the tension in her chest before she made herself follow him into the darkness.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

Ben always felt like he moved too clumsily. No matter how hard he trained, every footstep made him feel too big, too awkward. It was only with Rey that he felt at ease. She made him feel delicate and attractive. Holding her, kissing her, making love to her, he felt agile and careful.

Now, as he set the final charges along the casing of the humming energy core, he straightened and felt confident in his hands. His hands rarely let him down. She had set her share across the complex, thankful that he hadn’t had to shed blood the entire way to the centre of the complex. Workers were easily brushed aside, sent elsewhere with their soft minds; they were tired and nearing the end of their shifts. He had made that up to her, trying to quell her anxiety about watching him kill. He heard her boots and felt her steady heart beat, ringing with his own. This would help him keep his dark apprehension at bay; she would always shine like a star.

They were bound for life, but also married by a promise.

She was his.

He should stop worrying about it.

They were going to destroy this complex, then the new Death Star, and their child would grow up without darkness lingering over their family. The Jedi were deeper than the Sith, despite their infinite faults. The Sith were obsessed with unreachable goals. Rey hadn’t read those texts. But he had. Both teachings could be drawn on to make something new.

He had so much more to teach her. And their child.

He let the thoughts fall away as he set the last, small canister on his belt, locking it in place and deactivating the sync with the others. Back-up plans were good to have. He straightened and fixed his cloak before stepping down the stairway to the common walkway. He heard Rey’s hearty footfalls, moving to join him, clanging in the dark cavern.

“We’ve done it, let’s go,” she grinned. “How far is it to the others?”

“Not that far,” he nodded, stroking her arm. The stink of the facility still hung in the air, but he could still smell her hair. It was clean, with lingering scents of the _Falcon_ ’s faulty hydropumps. He had to stop his arm when he realized that it smelt like his mother.

A crew shift change was about to start. His thought hit her mind at the same time and he was instantly thankful for their link, despite his doubts and annoyance that she could always feel his mind. She resisted being locked out and again he chided himself for trying to keep her from that. She nodded and pulled up her hood. He followed her, copying her actions and heading for the emergency side door.

They exited out into the dusk air of the rocky worldand she pulled her tunic around her mouth again, coughing at the rough air. He breathed it in, reminding him of where he was.

“It’s not far,” he repeated, guiding her onward. The lights of the secondary complex blinked only two kilometres away. “Then we set off the charges.”

He saw the forms of Chewie and Finn in the distance and could almost feel escape at his grasp. They could leave without the dark feelings coming to a front.

Then he saw Finn’s eyes and realized where it was coming from. That boy, he was possessed by something. He didn’t know what it was at that point, but he tried to pull on all of Rey’s joy at seeing them and block out his own thoughts. Rey had felt his change in emotions, but put them up to jealousy. At that point, he was glad that she could be so practical. One didn’t always need to dig below the surface to find what one needed.

On the open plain, in the darkness between the two complexes with the _Falcon_ in the distance, they exchanged mutual nods. The grinding and clanging from the complexes echoed across the expanse. It would be good to be back on the quiet of the ship.

“It’s all done.” Rey smiled again. “Are we ready to go?”

The Force suddenly pounded in his chest and ringing squealed in his ears. He turned on his heels and instantly let out an angry sigh.

“You think you can leave so easily?”

The voice boomed around them and the others turned and his heart instantly shuttered.

He’d been so caught up in Rey that he missed Hux’s approach.

He’d always be weak.

He sneered at the man, standing with a throng of Stormtroopers at his call. That was his place; that was where he should stand. That man couldn’t command his way out of a swamp. And now here he stood, taking the light mantle of Supreme Leader.

His lightsaber was lit before he knew it, sparking furiously in his hands. He saw Rey follow him, her gentle blade and angry eyes matching his movements. Chewie and Finn drew their blasters and fell behind them. His breath hung in his chest as he stared at the other man, across the flat plain. He heard the X-Wings still screaming overhead, now under fire from First Order ships. His hands clenched into fists. _When was he going to do something right?_

He snapped, letting his rage take over. He felt Rey lightly in the back of his mind trying to push against it, urging him to focus and he ignored it.

“How easy was it to be a traitor!” Ben shouted, stepping away from the others. “How easy was it for you to doubt your Supreme Leader!”

Hux still had his hands behind his back, arrogantly stepping out from his forces. There were only twenty or so. He had scrambled to get there or else there would have been more. “I should be asking you _the same thing_.”

“You will always be weaker than me, Armitage,” he said through gritted teeth. “Your pride has blinded you.”

“My pride?” Hux launched back into a vicious laugh. “It was your pride that nearly cost us our empire, _all that we worked for_. You’re the true fool here, Kylo Ren. And none of your minions are here to save you except for the rebel scum you now align yourself with.”

At his words, a stream of blasters started to scream around them, splitting the group. He instantly fell in line with Rey, her training now matching his movements. But she was pulled towards her friends — their friends — and his feet followed her, backing slowly to block her blind spots.

The Stormtroopers descended around them while Hux stood on the low ridge and smirked at him. He could see the command ship looming behind them. He’d missed it all. He hadn’t heard anything.

He let his anger at his obliviousness drive him as the field was lit up with blaster fire.

Fighting with Rey again lit his blood on fire. There were dual strokes and exchanges by their minds that made him feel whole, truly whole. He let her back into his mind with a swift apology and she assured him that they’d talk about it later. Now, they had a fight to win and an escape to earn. She filled his doubts and gaps in his confidence as he cut down another brunt of troopers, firing blindly at them. He moved with new concentration as they took down four, five and then six troopers.

But Rey’s focus shifted after she brought down another trooper.

Finn and Chewie were weakening, nearly surrounded now. He still heard the steady sound of Chewie’s crossbow, but there were also cries for help from their separated partners.

Rey’s head shot against the battlefield and made a break for them.

His warning couldn’t leave his lips as she left herself open.

A blast from Hux struck her down. He heard Finn yelling in the distance and had his eyes focused on his former second in command on the top of the low hill. Then, he felt a hard strike against his chest. A strong arm drew him away and he had to turn, his eyes blazing.

“She’s going to die!” Finn screamed at him. “What did you do?!”

He didn’t have words at that point. His emotions and mind were split into feeling the rising pain in his side and the anger that Finn had decided to argue at this point. He gritted his teeth, tired of this façade. He felt Rey on the ground, gripping at her wound and getting to her feet, but had to focus on this distraction instead. His anger rose and he pushed the man back.

“What are _you_ doing!” He yelled. “We need to help her!”

The shared pain from Rey’s wound shot up and his body betrayed him into feeling overwhelmed, but still held Finn’s eyes.

That’s when he heard Hux laugh. Behind a group of troopers, he clutched Rey’s bleeding body to his chest. He’d been too slow to get to her because that _idiot_ had come between them.

She gave one last gasp and faded and Ben felt himself falling with her, collapsing to his knees.

 _She’s dying_.

Her thoughts were scattered, filled with pain and confusion. Their bond drew him into the darkness and he gasped, despite his stubbornness. Her wound burned up his body and he drew his lightsaber again, aggravated at every sound around him.

His legs were weak, but he forced himself towards her, his breathing sagging with every step. His heart was her heart. This was how they both would die. Hux was pulling her away and he couldn’t follow. The ship’s ramp hissed shut and he screamed and stumbled to his knees again as the complexes burst into explosions around them.

Leave it up to Chewie to follow orders, even under pressure.

He heard the screaming of X-Wings overhead and turned to watch the eight fighters blasting away what they had left, turning it into smoldering ruins.

But his eyes were on the command ship, streaking away into the darkened sky.

He should be satisfied but he didn’t care. He let his body sag against the angry soil and gripped his hand in the grit. If Rey were dying, then he would follow her. He thumbed out his lightsaber and gasped into the sky. Her breathing was growing short. He tried to tell her again how much he loved her, but only felt a weak response. He was going to die on this worthless planet at his own planning. His wife was going to die, his child was going to die; he could feel her breathing getting weaker and just laid back into the soil, ready to let the Force take him.

And then a pair of strong, hairy arms forced him up, screaming at him. He yelled back, fighting until, he saw Poe’s face in the distance, his X-Wing now nestled next to the _Falcon_. He kept missing details, losing time. Chewie finally let him down and he slumped against the ground, weeping. Poe was by his side, gripping his shoulder.

“Hey, hey, Ben,” Poe had stepped between him and Finn. “How’re you doing?”

“Just want to die,” he mumbled. “Rey. Get Rey.”

“No, no, no.” Poe was grabbing at him, looking for wounds. There were none. There were minor burns from scattered blaster fire, but there was nothing more. He was being an idiot. They needed to get Rey. “We’re going back.”

“No!” He yelled, sitting up and striking out. Poe stepped back, his brown eyes wide. “We can’t leave her! We can’t let them take her!”

“Listen, I…” Poe’s hands were careful. “You…we need to go. This place is burning down around us and I…”

“Yes…” He managed to hiss. “Wait.”

He limped up, glancing around the battlefield. He found Rey’s lightsaber and drew it to his hands. Poe, blaster in hand, followed him, searching for another attack. With her lightsaber in his hand, he dropped down to his knees, sucking in dull gasps. His heartbeat was tied to Rey’s; and that was getting weaker.

And then it stopped.

He stilled, feeling the bond tear in his chest. It was ripped apart like a jagged blade had been shoved into his chest. Panicked, he reached within himself and tried to find it, but found only shards and tendrils that were left twisting in darkness.

He couldn’t breathe.

His eyes snapped on the copper-coloured earth and he forced air into his burning lungs. The sensation finally snapped him back to reality.

Poe couldn’t hold him back as he screamed, feeling her life torn from his. He cried, losing all control, fighting against the arms that were dragging him across the field.

“Ben, Ben, no,” Poe held him close, dragging him onto the _Falcon_. “We’ll come back for her. Come on.”

With bitter anger, Ben turned and met Finn’s eyes. “This is _your_ fault. You couldn’t let go. Get out of here!”

At the base of the ramp, he seethed, wanting to kill the other man. Then he was dragged inside, against his will. He was going to die and needed to be close to her; they needed to let him go. He tried to dive for the ramp controls and he was pulled back. He didn’t know who was holding him, but they were.

Darkness crept into the corners of his vision and he felt dizzy.

The ramp snapped to a close and he let out a weak cry.

Forcing his head to turn, his eyes snapped back to Finn. The other man firmly held his gaze before he slowly stepped back and skulked off, wordlessly disappearing. He couldn’t even apologize. But Ben couldn’t catch his breath.

Poe and Chewie dragged him to a bench and he groaned with every step.

Rey was dead.

Rey was gone.

He was dying.

He cried aloud as they forced him to sit.

“Hey, hey, Benny buddy.” Poe smoothed his sweaty hair. “We’ll be home soon.”

Limply, he shook his head. His eyes fluttered shut for a moment but only found a hole, expanding in his chest. With a weak gasp, he let his head slump down.

“There’s no home without her.”

A firm hand gripped his. It warmed his cooling flesh; he was starting to freeze and shivered against it. He felt nearly dead but that hand reminded him that others existed. They were there for him, in different ways. Poe was there. That idiot Finn was there. Chewie was in the cockpit, taking them home. This was what he missed when he was gripped by the darkside; there were others around him now that also felt pain.

He reached out and felt the canister and the twin lightsabers, clipped to his belt.

The ship lurched and he didn’t even try to support himself.

“Fight it. I don’t know what else to say but don’t go into their game. Fight it.” Poe’s intense face filled his dull eyes. Why couldn’t he just let him go?

Hardly able to keep his head up, he gave a weak nod, tracing the torn tendrils of the bond and feeling his face warm with tears. “I’ve caused so much pain. Just let me _die_.”

“Not just yet, okay?” Poe gripped his hand harder. “We’re going to go save her, do you hear me!”

The words faded in and out as hyperspace clouded his mind.

Rey was dead.

He was going to die. The throws of dying had already started to grip his throat and he was about to gladly follow them down if it wasn’t for the damned prodding of Poe and Chewie’s steady hands at the controls.

The only thing he could focus on was a cold winter morning, looking out from their house and into an unknown: her hand on his waist, and the future before them.

He tasted chai as he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the comments and kudos so far! See chapter notes for warnings.

 

The sight of _The_ _Falcon_ was not a welcoming one this time. Leia held her breath as the ship landed roughly and steeled her face amongst the group of Resistance members gathered in the hanger. Their boots shifted uneasily, but she tried to stand without showing her nerves.

They knew what was coming, but there were only so many ways to prepare.

Poe was already screaming for medical help before the ramp was down. Their constant communications had put the damage from the mission into a cold, bitter reality.

Rey was gone.

Ben said she was dead.

The facility was destroyed, but he was injured and they didn’t know where. In the scramble, she finally saw Chewie draggng Ben’s reluctant body to the gathered med crew and Leia had to hold herself back from running to him.

He was weakly resisting every effort to give him care, looking pale with deep bags under his eyes. He pushed back with gritted teeth as they forced him onto the medbed, before reluctantly lying back.

His injuries weren’t pulling him into death. They were hardly scratches, but he was pale and struggling to breathe. It was the loss of Rey. She couldn’t be dead, Leia thought as she limped as quickly as she could after the medbed, holding his darkly clothed form. She reminded herself to thank the medical personnel for not cringing when he arrived, suddenly dressed as Kylo Ren again. She didn’t know that had been part of his plan, but he still held back so much from her.

Lurking in the doorway of the medbay, jostling with droids and medics, she felt Poe’s hand on her shoulder as Chewie groaned at her side. BB8 chirped sorrowfully at their feet. The only figure not there was Finn. She pursed her lips as a panicked medic glanced up at her.

“He’s just…dying,” he gasped. “We can only find cuts and bruises, but we’re losing him.”

A thought brushed her mind; it came with a hint of Tatooine sand.

_It’s a Force bond._

“Everybody get out,” she commanded. “You too.”

She turned and met Chewie’s eyes. He protested but she quickly turned to Poe to handle him. She hadn’t said a word to the other man, but he still silently stepped back, his smart mouth in his pocket. The door swished shut and she could only hear him breathing, the machines falling silent as she only focused on him.

He would fight everything with bitter stubbornness, but he wasn’t resisting this.

She firmly took his hand. He was pale, hardly conscious.

She was just a mother again: not a leader, not a general.

She had to save her child, still nestled in the body of a dying man.

“Ben,” she soothed, reaching to smooth his hair. “Wake up.”

He blinked awake, brown eyes searching rapidly through the dully-lit room. He didn’t speak, but his mouth opened to take strangled gasps. She could feel his torment, clawing at him and the jagged edges of losing someone to the Force.

“Did you _feel_ her die?” Leia strained to keep her voice level, but heard it crack.

“No,” he mumbled, eyes shutting to tears. “Just gone. We didn’t even feel them coming. There was nothing I could do. ”

“What do you mean?” She asked.

He just shook his head. “I just…I was distracted. And I lost her.”

“You need to fight this,” she urged. “It’s not over.”

“I’ve felt alone all of my life.” His voice was so low that she had to strain to hear it. “She brought me out of it. I wish that she’d listened to me. Remembering…it just reminds me of how alone we all are.”

The words echoed in her ears as she felt his pulse start to fade under her grip. _Luke, what do I do?_ He was the last part of Han and the last heart of her family. She was alone, but he didn’t have to be.

The Force, which rarely spoke to her, nudged at her chest as a stray tear slipped down her cheek. He weakly tried to reach for it as his lip started to quiver.

He’d felt it too, the urging of the Force pulling her towards what she had to do.

“Mother, no.” He tried to sit up, but collapsed weakly against the sterile bed. The dirt on his clothes clashed with the cleanliness of the bay, bringing dusty reality to her thoughts.

Their eyes locked, and he tried to firm his face, shaking with effort. She’d seen those eyes come into the world and wouldn’t let this take them. It wasn’t his time.

He reached for her again, his cold hand brushing her cheek.

A sombre smile spread across her face. “You have to find her, Ben. Go save your wife. Try to save the galaxy while you’re at it.”

He only blinked in response, still shaking his head.

She took a deep, long breath, feeling the strain of the years and the pressure on her chest bloom.

Gripping both of his hands she tried to ignore the wild panic growing in his blurred eyes. Forcing herself to stand, she reached through the inherent bond that they shared. It was the same feeling that had pumped through her blood while he was in her womb.

A torn Force bond had to be healed.

This was what she had to do.

This would be her last gift to him.

Plucking the tendrils of the living Force that was swirling around them, she pressed hard on their link. The Force coursed through his veins, pure but tattered. Her link, coagulated from her restraint, drew on his strength to block her senses. It was like sinking into a warm pool, shining and swirling around him. Pushing her life into his, she felt her old body start to feel lighter; her spirit was stronger than her form. It always was.

As a glow filled her eyes, she could feel his heartbeat, clear but weak, but also another distant life that came from him. His child lived, so Rey did too.

He was just refusing to hear it.

 _Stubborn until the end_.

She sent him that last tender thought and his eyes shone for a brief moment at the realization.

And then she watched her death, reflected in his eyes: those same, pure brown eyes.

She’d done enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Character death.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years! Two chapters in one day because I'm anticipating not feeling all that well come tomorrow. See you all in 2019 :)

The world tilted and her lungs burnt as Rey shook awake. Her hands dully met the soft quilt, sucking in a shaking breath. Sitting up, she rubbed her eyes as she blinked at the sunlight streaming in from the window. She rubbed her side, ghosts from the dream disappearing with the lack of pain and the firm sense of her whole flesh.

Dust hung in the sunbeam, twisting as her breath drifted across the empty room.

Her mouth tasted dry and bitter as she forced herself to stand, pushing off the wood-framed, pushed together beds. The dream and its echoes still hung over her mind as she glanced around their room and out into the world of the planet.

The snow glittered off of the treetops, reflecting into their rom.

His clothes still littered the floor, along with forgotten empty mugs.

Same as always.

How long had she been asleep?

Scratching her head, she set her hands on the windowsill.

She breathed out the ghosts of the dream, not understanding the jumble of images and feelings that hung on her mind.

She had to shake her head again, trying to push away the dull heaviness that pressed on her.

The distant cry of an infant finally brought her back to the now.

Her baby—their baby—was downstairs with him.

She was home.

Leaving their bedroom she rested her hands on the railing and looked down. He was sitting in the lounge, dully mumbling to their boy in the planet’s native language. Her heart swelled at the easy calm of their lives there. It was nothing like the haunting panic and tension of the dream. His eyes shot up when he felt her enter the space. She gave him a long grin, filled with the happiness of seeing him fuss with their child. Her feet nearly hopped down the stairs to the main floor. Her footfalls boomed oddly in her ears as she reached the main floor.

This was their home, for now.

Everything else had just been a dream that had ended in a night terror.

He exhaled, standing and holding Kai in his arms. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

She shook her head, grinning still and gripping his waist. He was stronger now from working outside, but still enjoyed their time sparring and having delicately intimate moments involving her body. She studied the fabric of his coat, searching for loose threads. Ignoring the way that her hand felt, she hugged her family and nearly wept at the warmth and safety that she felt in their home. The hints of memories faded like always, ebbed away on the waves of her mind. It was just a dream; she hadn’t been shot by a blaster, she hadn’t felt the dread of her death from his soul or the loss of their child, still nestled in her belly.

She sought for her current memories, feeling their comfort descend around her. Stepping back, she looked up at him and didn’t see horror, but love instead.

They’d been here over a year now. Their protectors were urging them to leave (with less and less patience), but they wanted to wait until Kai was big enough. Next month, they’d depart. He had finally agreed to the day and she welcomed the adventure.

“Come here, love,” she took her boy from his arms, feeling his warm, tiny body gripping for her. Rubbing her face against his soft cheeks, she quirked her head at his almost embarrassed face.

“He just wanted you,” he finally smiled at her. “But you’re here now.”

“I had the dream again,” she had to turn away, cuddling her infant and breathing in his soft scent. They had everything here. How could they leave their home? That must have been what had brought on the dream. She had started to be torn about leaving again; it reminded her of their choice to have or not have their memories returned. Cradling Kai, she rubbed his blanketed side as he cooed in her ear. “It felt…so real.”

His hand met her back, frowning. His dark hair had grown so much longer now, but he still echoed the same man in her dreams. But now, he was less serious. Why was her mind torturing her like this?

He traced up her spine and sighed. “You have your lesson in the afternoon. I…you should still be asleep.”

“But I couldn’t,” she shrugged, moving into the kitchen alcove to find the chai that he had surely made earlier. She’d been teaching Basic to the younglings at the nearest village. It had filled her days with the joy of helping the isolated world welcome some tastes of the off-world. Their protectors would be by to fetch her in a few hours. The dreams had been getting worse and worse and she knew that he was worried about her, but too afraid to bring up the topic.

She quietly accepted it as a fear of leaving and returning to the dangers of the unknown galaxy.

She gripped her mug of chai and shifted Kai to her other hip. The spices were dulled somehow, and the water not that warm. Focusing on the cup in her hands and the baby in her arms, a raw dread crept into her mind. It was like the dream was still stalking her, telling her that she was dead and he’d be falling with her into the darkness.

Snapping her eyes across the space, she focused on him.

He stood dumbly across the lounge, moving from fixing Kai’s blanket on the sofa to look at her, sensing her discomfort.

The glow from the window seemed to brighten when he met her eyes.

This wasn’t right.

The cup slipped from her hand and shattered but it sounded like it was muffled by a cloud.

This wasn’t real.

Her lip started to quiver as she felt tears, there but also not there, start to sting her eyes. He was by her side in two long strides, pulling her close.

But his arms were hollow. The non-missing thread in his coat started to unravel it all.

With a dull gasp, she held onto her family, willing her mind to old onto this reality, this life. His arms, Kai’s cries, the scent of the chai. Their home. Their planet. Their life.

It all bled away into white and she watched as it all was eaten away before her eyes. The last thing that she saw was the pained fear in his brown eyes, vanishing into nothingness, leaving only three heartbeats.

Hers, his, and their child’s.

The gentle rhythms were soft, pulsing through her empty thoughts.

It was one soft, distant heartbeat that woke her.

The whiteness swirled, not ready to consume her yet.

Slowly, Rey stirred, falling from the vision into a grey and cold reality.

It was a cell, dimly lit and viciously designed. Her side burnt, but she felt the bacta medpatch when she reached to feel her body.

Ben wasn’t in her mind any longer, aside from the echo of her dream.

Her breath finally came back to her and she sat up, hissing the entire time.

The Force was dead to her, ripped from her mind. The tension around her neck made her gasp as her hands found the ring that encircled her throat. It was blocking the Force. She was shut off from everything.

The initial panic faded and her eyes went wide as the pain in her body finally spread beyond her ribs. Shaking, she shoved her uninjured hand down her leggings to feel for _anything_ off. The aches came from everywhere but her belly. When her hand met her eyes again, there was no blood. The baby was fine and she was alive.

But where was she?

Rey glanced around the cell, still swimming in the vision from the planet. She’s seen their child, or an image of who he might be. But that hadn’t been real. Instead of the comfort of their home on the planet, the First Order had her. And Ben couldn’t feel her.

The reality settled around her and she gritted her teeth to keep tears from spilling. They should have talked about this, but there hadn’t been time. She should have found the time, but he had been in such a detached state after uncovering the First Order’s plans and performing as Kylo Ren. She had dull hope that he wouldn’t try to find a solution to save her. He _knew_ her. He told her how strong and powerful she was everyday. Despite the tears that she shed on his strong shoulders, he knew what was within her. She could find her own way home and didn’t need him to protect her, but recognized the depths of his feelings: he would come for her. Looking at the slab of her cell, she traced its edge.

The things that she had to do were to make it easier for him.

She was stupid for getting shot and captured, but her heart and mind were torn between the two people who’d put her there: Ben and Finn arguing had put her in danger. They hadn’t sensed the First Order’s approach. She feared for them both and nearly started to cry at the realization of her capture. That shouldn’t have happened; they were a good team and a strong pair. Biting her lip at all of her weaknesses, she blinked hard. Not now.

The threat of tears came more from being cut off from the Force and losing his presence in her mind. It could be annoying, but now it really was like being lost on the planet without memories again. That’s where the dream had come from. That’s what it meant. It’s what it had to mean.

The door to her cell clanged and then opened and she was on her tired feet in instant, unwilling to give the First Order any idea that she was weak. Hissing at her wounds, and still wondering why they’d treated them, she glared at the figure who entered the space. He had no blaster, folding his hands behind the back of his crisp uniform.

The man who’d shot and taken her, Hux, stepped firmly into her cell. Her eyes narrowed with rage as he glared at her with a haughty coolness. He thought that he’d won.

“You’ll never get what you want from him,” she spat. “You no longer have any power over Ben Solo.”

“You’re an idiot girl,” his eyes locked with hers as she straightened shoulders. “We were ready for him, and instead, we got you.”

“You blocked us from feeling you, how?” She glared, hand reactively going to her collar. “How did you make this?”

He only offered an antagonizing smirk.

She wanted to attack him; there was nothing stopping her until the door slid further open and two Stormtroopers loomed in the entrance. She hadn’t felt them. It was all going wrong.

Hux noticed her anxiety and chuckled, stepping closer to her.

“If we keep you alive, it will just bring him straight to us. That’s the power we have over him — _you_.”

She could still read his face, even without the Force. He hated Ben, but still feared him. That must be what was driving his actions; revenge came from many places.

His eyes dulled as he looked up and down her body. “A droid will be by if you need any further medical care.”

“I’m perfectly fine,” she gritted her teeth. “I would be better if you took off the damned collar.”

The man took a long step back and then quirked a grin. “You’re fine, but your _child_ may need care. I hope that you enjoy your time with us, scavenger. It will be lovely to watch you die.”

He was out the door before her aching body could lunge for it, swearing and finally letting tears flow as her hand slid down the closed cell door.

With a quivering lip, she rested her back against the door, lighting brushing her hand against her stomach.

The feeling of Kai’s cheek against hers caressed her memory.

She needed a plan, and that sensation would guide her to it.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging it with me so far! I've read every comment, even if I haven't replied directly. Just a quick question - would this be easier to read/navigate/find the parts that you want to read, if I put the character whose POV I'm using in the chapter title? It's how I've planned out the master fic. If you want it, let me know! I'm always on tumblr and twitter (check da bio) if you want to chat/vent/read my strange complaints about Sweden and see pictures of my cats.

 

Rose’s hand landed with a firm, hard strike against his cheek. “What are you even doing! Leia just _died_ and you’re here, arguing about...about nothing!”

Finn stepped back, holding his hand to his cheek. “I didn’t know that.”

He took a deep breath and caught the hint of tears in her eyes. He’d cornered her in the engineering section, ranting before he knew the words were coming out of his mouth.

Her lip trembled and she looked away. “What even _happened_ on the mission, Finn. Talk to me.”

“He got Rey shot. She’s dead because of him. I just want to know why!”

He felt more and more wound up since stepping off the _Falcon_. He’d watched Poe and Chewie turn their backs on him, caring more about the man in black that someone who they had known longer and better. His anger kept rising even as he saw mournful faces flowing by him in the halls. That’s why he found Rose. He was tired of always being in the dark. Now that Rey was gone, he had no one. It was all building to a fury he’d never felt before. He clenched his fists and glared as Rose stepped forward.

“I missed who I was before I knew you!” She shouted. He’d never really heard her _yell_ like this before.

Stunned, he watched her scurry away and dropped his head.

Why couldn’t they all _see_ what he knew? Kylo Ren was going to turn on them.

“Finn?” Poe’s confused voice flitted to his ears. “What just happened?”

He turned and saw the red-rimmed eyes of his friend and still felt the word _traitor_ burning in his mind.

“Why did you help him, huh? Why didn’t you save her?!” He glared, straightening his shoulders and ready for a fight.

“Finn? Really? Now?” Poe’s arms fell to his side after an exhausted shrug. “The general is gone, Finn. She gave herself or him. She wouldn’t do that if…”

“She did _that_ for _him_?”

Poe huffed a breath of contempt. “What is wrong with you? Come on, Finn. You _know_ me and you would know him if you gave him a chance.”

“Rey’s gone because of him,” his voice clenched in his throat. “Those are all the chances he’s going to get.”

Poe wiped at his eyes and gave him one last, long, searching look before turning to flee in the direction that Rose had taken.

He was done with all of this. He spotted a stray blaster as he marched through the halls of the unfamiliar ship, resting on a panel. He let his feet guide him to find the object of his hatred.

Reaching the medbay, he found Kylo Ren, sitting on the ground, running his hand over a black dress. He didn’t even look up from running his hand across the beadwork, mumbling to himself.

“Get up!” He shouted, pointing the blaster at him. Kylo didn’t even flinch, ignoring him. “I said _get up_.”

“You’ve chosen a really bad time to pick a fight, Finn.”

His murderous mood deepened and he switched off the safety, sending a shrill sound in the quieted, darkened room. Kylo had been near death less than a half an hour ago, now he looked perfectly fine, shedding tears on an old garment.

Sharp, brown eyes shot up to him and he rose to his feet with no effort. Kylo tilted his head, setting the dress on the medbed and taking a step towards him.

“Not here,” the deep voice commanded. He wasn’t about to take more orders.

“What do you mean _not here_? What’s wrong with you? Shouldn’t you be dead?”

“Right now, I wish I was,” came the cool response as Kylo moved forward, keeping his eyes locked on Finn’s. “But not by your hand.”

Finn, not willing to back down but not wanting to give the man immediate medical assistance, stepped slowly back, watching the other man stalk him into the opposite room. It was an empty conference room, darkened with the ship’s night cycle. He hadn’t even noticed. He hated being back on a ship, any ship, at this point. His body was guiding him somewhere but he couldn’t figure out where.

“Put the blaster on the table.”

He struggled for a second, before finally resting the weapon down, his head starting to swim.

“Let me help you.” The cool voice came as Kylo smoothed his sweaty hair back, taking a deep breath. “Please.”

Finn blinked, staring at those hands. He’d watched Rey press her lips to those fingertips and felt anger start to rise again. It was another damned Force trick.

“Why would you even _want_ to help me!” His eyes flared, scrambling for the blaster again.

“Haven’t you noticed how different everyone has been acting around you.” Kylo ignored the gesture, hands resting at his side. “Rose never acted like this before. You know that.”

“She’s just…I don’t know,” he pointed the blaster dead at the other man’s chest. “Leave me alone before I kill you like I should have done before.”

Kylo’s face was still steady, not menacing and only patient. “I know the darkside, Finn. I’ve breathed it for almost half my life. Remember how it felt to hold the lightsaber for the first time. Look for those feelings.”

His hand shook lightly as he thought about the lightsaber, Rey’s old lightsaber before _he_ destroyed it. They used to bring him joy and thrills. It was the same with being with Rose. Now all of those memories were jaded and harsh, leaving bitter marks on his mind.

“What are you saying, huh?” He gestured again with the blaster, his hand shaking. “That I’ve gone over to the darkside? I’m never going to be like you.”

“But you are,” he answered, still rigidly calm. “The darkness has found your heart, Finn. When Snoke died, it spread everywhere. There are still parts of this that I don’t understand and I think that the First Order is part of it. Finn, I hate them as much as you. Understand that and _believe_ me. I need you to fight it.”

Finn had thought that all of his bitterness and anger came from not understanding his own emotions. Years of sterile training had left him cold and not able to process things. Ben should hate him; he’d come between him and Rey. He should love Rey for being his friend, not for betraying a relationship that had never been there. Rose’s tears were not the simple happy smiles, like they used to be. He had never been this irrationally angry at Poe for no reason before. That dress, it was the general’s. She was gone and he didn’t feel any different. It was like a sinking black void that was sucking him deeper.

“Go beyond your feelings,” Kylo urged. “Think about holding the lightsaber. Focus on it. Feel it in your hands.”

He bit his shaking lip and closed his eyes, daring Kylo to attack him, knowing that he would because that’s just who he was.

But he didn’t.

Instead all he felt was a light brush against his mind, shaking away some of the burnt edges.

“Find the light.”

Drawing on the strength he found in the touch of Kylo’s mind, he felt something crack in his chest. The hatred, the poison, the anger, it had settled around him without him realizing what had happened. His heart wasn’t always wrapped up in needing Rey to love him, it was about keeping her his friend and having her safe. Whatever was gripping him had cost him her and Rose.

His eyes blinked open at the shock.

“I’ll help you. Open your mind to me.”

Kylo’s words were spoken with a truth. He lowered the blaster and blinked his eyes shut.

The pressure on his mind grew greater in an instant and he was washed away in it.

Kylo’s gasp was what brought him out of the torrent. He saw him lurch forward and brace his hand against an outstretched leg from across the room.

But he felt like himself again. Or at least more like himself.

The doubts about the Resistance, his worries about the future, all of it seemed to have bled away, into space.

Finn took a breath that made him jolt. “What…what just happened?”

Kylo straightened and smoothed his hair. “You…you were being drawn towards the darkness. I…nudged you towards the light.”

“Kriff…I…” He trailed off, resting his hand on the table, scraping against the smooth metal with short nails. “I messed up the mission.”

“Yes,” Kylo said, slowly stepping forward. “I’m trying not to blame you.”

“Is Rey…is she really dead?”

“No.” Kylo was beside him now, taking long strides to round the table. “My mother, before she…passed…showed me that my child still lives. They’re blocking them from me. I’m going to save her.”

“Your mother just died and you’re here, with me?” Finn felt all of his built up emotions starting to break free. Tears starting to form and he dropped his head. “I wanted to leave the Resistance. I started to hate Rose…I’m…I hurt everyone.”

Kylo—no _Ben_ —rested a cautious hand on his shoulder. It broke the dam and he wept, collapsing into the nearest chair. Ben stood beside him, only offering a simple hand.

“I never meant to take her from you, Finn,” he simply said. “She’ll always be your friend.”

“Yeah, I…yeah,” he mumbled, wiping at his eyes. “I still don’t understand…”

“My mother liked you.” The hand slipped away and he shifted to look up at the other man. “Don’t make me permanently change that opinion.”

Without another word, he left.

Finn never knew his own mother, neither did Rey. This man had known and now lost his. They were all orphans, all fighting on the same side. Pushing away from the table, he moved to find the man who had just ignored his own loss to pull him back from the brink. Winding down the corridors, he found Poe instead, slumped against the wall of the hallway, tracing patterns on the floor.

“Poe, hey, where’s Ben?” He looked down and was met with only tired eyes.

“Finn, I don’t have time for this.” Poe’s shoulders lowered further, resting his head back against the wall. “Can’t you just…be mad somewhere else?”

Finn stood stunned as Poe lifted himself up and moved away with a wave of his hand.

“Look Poe, I’m sorry,” he said, scrambling for words as he followed. “Ben just helped me. He said it was the darkside, he said…”

He got that much out before Poe rounded the corner, disappearing with a shake of his head.

“Just thank him for me!” He yelled, feeling his endorphins finally ebbing. He rested against the hallway, breathing in the recycled air with an annoyed grunt.

How was he going to fix this?

 


	21. Chapter 21

 

The room was empty except for a dark clad form, leaning against a table and staring out at the stars.

Poe took a deep breath before clearing his throat.

He’d found him, not what was he going to do with him?

The fake night had gripped the ship, but there was always someone awake, somewhere.

“Hey, I just talked to Finn,” he said, easing into the room. Ben glanced up, but only lightly nodded. “Or more like, he just yelled at me. I think that I should thank you for him, for some reason.”

Ben turned away and Poe stepped forward to stand beside him. It had only been an hour ago that the man had been near death. The mourning on the command ship seemed to have left Poe detached from dealing with it. He had sought out solitude and was only met with Finn’s ramblings. He appeared to have had some sort of realization and at that point, he was so tired of dealing with him that he just needed someone _real_ to talk to. It was strange that that person was dressed as Kylo Ren, wearing the face of a man who just lost his mother. He cleared his throat and finally caught Ben’s eyes. He’d done Finn a favour before fully mourning. They were so much the same, pushing back emotions in the face of something greater. Maybe they both needed this.

“It was obvious,” Ben seemed to scoff. “I was just too blind to see it.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was acting different.” Ben folded his arms across his broad chest and shrugged. “I hardly knew him and…I only antagonized him before I noticed it. The darkside is easy to see when you’ve been so close to it, and when you’re not being an idiot.”

“Yeah, he, I guess…yeah,” Poe managed to nod, suppressing a smile. “That makes sense.”

Ben gave him a light look. “You don’t have to pretend to understand what I’m saying.”

“No, no, I get it,” he smirked, hoping to see a reaction. He didn’t get one, but he still pressed on. “You can’t keep a craft balanced if one wing is damaged. It lists and starts to turn over. Even if you think you’re a good pilot, it’s easy to spin out and crash.”

Ben’s mouth lightly quirked. “That’s right.”

“Yeah.”

Poe shuffled his feet, looking out the window. There were words that he should say and that he was expected to say. But he couldn’t find them.

“My mother doesn’t need a funeral,” Ben finally said. “We can hold a memorial once all of this is…over.”

He saw the other man fighting against the words and saw the dull sheen of tears start to form. He didn’t press him. Instead he fought to meet his eyes and blinked back his own tears. Sighing, he gave the other orphan a simple nod. Despite how much he liked to talk, silence was a good weapon to use at delicate times.

He should use it more often.

“I was never a good son.” Ben wiped at his cheeks and turned away, seemingly caring that the other man was watching him start to cry.

“Hey, neither was I.” He settled his elbows against the table and sat on it after taking a long, deep breath. His feet dangled over the edge, helping him dull his nerves. “It’s…it’s just one of those things. I’m not, you know, destined for something greater or come from some amazing bloodline, but we’re never going to feel good enough for our parents. What they put into us, they expect to get out. And sometimes, we can’t be as perfect as they think that we are. But they were just people too. And so are we.”

Ben’s eyes turned to focus across the darkened and empty conference room, at the slowly spinning display of the new Death Star at its centre. He took a long, shaky breath before turning to look at him. Poe had to hold back his reaction when he saw the other man’s eyes. A dull yellow had crept against the gentle brown tones. Did he know? He must not know. What did that mean anyway? This was like talking to Finn again, before he had confronted him in the hallway; how was he supposed to keep all of these feelings in his head and still be a commander? How did the General piece together this holopuzzle without edge pieces? There was no beginning or start, only unfitting middle pieces.

“She never thought I was perfect.” His voice was still the same and that made Poe instantly more at ease.

“I think that she did,” he said, with a light nod. “Her version of perfection.”

That made Ben actually smile, the expression disrupting his tears. He was so much stronger and powerful than he was. Just sitting next to him would be intimidating to every other person on the command ship. But this was Poe’s role now. He was not going to let this man down.

“I’m going to go for her,” Ben said, lowly. “I need to go alone.”

Carefully planning his words, he licked his lips. “I guess…since you’re not dead, she’s still alive?”

The pause stretched on and Ben finally shook his dark head. “They might still…even if all I find is her body, my mother shouldn’t have died for nothing.”

The last sound that filled the room came from his own mouth. The space outside them appeared to slip through unseen seams and take the air from his lungs.

“And they’d be on the command ship? _The Ascendancy_?”

Ben’s head barely lifted with a nod.

“Okay, so we go at the planet destroyer?” He suddenly grimaced. “Do we even know what they’re calling it?”

“Just call it the Death Star,” Ben answered, bringing himself to his feet. He took several long strides across the room, looking at the empty chairs with hooded eyes. Poe forced himself to stand as well, straightening his jump suit.

Touching the fabric, he frowned. Ben was dressed as a leader, and he was still fumbling in a pilot’s uniform.

He should be the leader, not him.

Ben slowly turned and Poe nearly grinned when he saw the golden tones gone from his eyes. Instead he took a step closer, nodding for the other man to speak.

“This needs to end here,” Ben started. “I knew that the First Order wasn’t done with me, but now they’ve taken the last thing keeping me grounded. Rey is _not_ dead. This is part of their plan, and it was begun before I disappeared. We’re not going into this fight because of revenge, or for the galaxy, or for the Force…”

Ben rolled his eyes at the point, earning a smirk from Poe.

“It’s okay, I only use the term to make people think that I’m in on the joke,” he smiled, smoothing his hair.

The intensity from Ben’s face briefly faded into a light smile. It was hardly a hint on his lips, but it was still a sign of humanity. That’s all he was looking for. “The Force is everywhere. We can’t escape it. But saying a dogmatic slogan doesn’t mean anything.”

“Got it,” he answered with a light tone.

Ben was about to smile fully but seemed to swallow it and shake his head, continuing on with his thought. “This entire fight — this _war_ — has never been about anything more than people who don’t have power, attacking some other group that had less power. It’s a cycle; this won’t end here. This will keep happening. But we can save a generation from pain. Memories never die; they’re only reborn again in new forms.”

Daring to step forward, Poe reached out to put his hand on Ben’s forearm. “Then we live in the moment. And let our kids deal with the future we leave for them.”

He watched Ben lick his lips and then he turned away. “Rey is…she’s carrying my child.”

Poe had to grin. “Then we’ll leave it up to her or him.”

Their eyes locked again and Ben stood up straighter. “We need to rest. And then deal with everything in a few hours. Tell your...” he fumbled the words, “ _Our_ people to meet here in four hours.”

With a decided smile, he smacked the other man’s shoulder hard. “I’ll see you then.”

He had to turn and leave before seeing Ben’s reaction. He had to keep walking to stop from actually processing any of the emotions or words that they had shared.

They had a war to end.

Even if it was just to give time for the universe to exhale again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my inner demons are making me mildly ship ben/poe. put me in an airlock and eject me into space byeeee


	22. Chapter 22

 

Rose rarely regretted the things that she’d said and done. They happened in a certain moment for a specific reason. It was more the circumstances leading up to all of it that made sorrow spike in her chest.

She managed to avoid everyone and their late-night mourning and shuffled to her quarters after confronting Finn. Even though that space didn’t feel like him, she still narrowed her eyes at the room and let the door slide shut instead. Who knows where he’d end up and she wanted to make it harder for him to find her. She didn’t really hate being off planet. She just hated being near this new Finn who she hadn’t really figured out yet.

Finding the night crew chief, she tried to catch his attention by clearing her throat. He was staring at his panel, not moving. She cleared her throat again and the older man turned.

“Is there…is there anything for me to do?”

He blinked at her and shook his head. “I…we…we’re waiting for orders right now. I still have no idea who’s in charge.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Smoothing his grey hair, he shrugged. “Just…get some sleep, Rose. We’ll know more in the morning.”

“Right, yeah.” She nodded with a little too much force and turned.

Finding a corner near an engineering alcove, she curled into a ball. She didn’t have enough energy for tears, but instead settled on feeling angry. She’d given a lot to Finn. She had felt their closeness growing in the time that they had spent together and didn’t realize how quickly all of that could evaporate. It really made her feel like she was another person. It was like their months together were haunting her, toying with her to remember when things were easy and the kisses were sweet. They couldn’t be taken away from her, but the flavours were now tainted with ghosts of jealously.

She drifted into a near sleep, mostly just listening to her heart beating and trying to make it slow down with deep and even breaths.

Her eyes flew open when an aggressive hand gripped her shoulder and she sucked in her lips instantly.

“Hey, wake up.”

“I wasn’t exactly sleeping,” she mumbled. “Go _away_ Finn.”

Finn was kneeling beside her and she made herself meet his eyes. Like they always were, they were filled with emotion, but she couldn’t pin down which. She watched him shift under her gaze and take a shaky breath.

“No, Rose, I really need to talk to you.” He kept his eyes locked on her and after briefly shutting her eyes to get her nerve she looked at him again. “These last few weeks, that wasn’t me. Something…something happened to me. Ben helped me see it. Rose, I don’t understand it at all but those feelings were not me.”

“What?”

He leaned forward to kiss her and she jerked away.

“What are you doing?” She pulled back, glaring.

“Look, Rose, I’m not really good at apologizing, but if I could take back everything I’ve said and done since they got back, I would. But since I can’t, I have to figure out how to fix it all.” He sounded tired as he spoke and Rose was torn whether she wanted to believe him or not.

“Finn, I,” she shook her head. “I know that it wasn’t really your choice that we got together. I was just tagging along because I’m a doer. I always need to be doing things and it usually keeps me out of trouble. Maybe you didn’t want to be with me from the start. You don’t need to make excuses.”

“I’m not making excuses. Ben he…he like, took me out of the spell. It was the darkside of the Force it…”

Rose narrowed her eyes. “So right after his mother dies and he is basically dead, he comes and finds you and fixes you? Finn, really?”

“That’s what happened!”

She would have scoffed at anyone else, but the shimmer on his eyes told her something else.

She was about to speak when the fleet-wide comm chimed to life.

“Attention everyone, uh. There will be a mandatory meeting for senior staff in four hours. Get some sleep. That’s an order.”

Poe’s voice was gone as soon as it broke the air, leaving an uncomfortable ringing in her ears. Someone should probably look at the system if it was doing that.

Finn had hardly reacted to the information. He blinked, but kept his focus only on her. His dark face, which used to give her butterflies, did look different. She thought that she knew every part of it, but there were lines around his mouth that she didn’t realize were there. All of this shouldn’t be happening now. But since when was life fair?

“I guess that’s an order.” Rose shook her head and moved to settle back down into her hiding spot. All she wanted to do was close her eyes and be somewhere else.

“Rose, please. Come to bed.” Finn sat back, his boots squeaking as he shifted. “I don’t know what I need right now, but all if it includes you.”

“What about Rey?” She felt the bitterness in her voice and bit her lip. She didn’t have anything against Rey, she insisted again to herself. This wasn’t Rey or Ben’s fault. This was Finn’s. But she had a part to play in that too. But someone should be there to support her too. Maybe she was listening to Finn because she felt too alone to deal with this by herself.

“She’s my friend and we’re going to save her.” He straightened his shoulders as he stood up, extending his hand. “I can love my friends and love you at the same time.”

There it was: the L word. Her eyes fell on his hand and sadness spread across her chest. He’d apologized before. He’d said he was better before. And all of that had bled away when he got a chance to take a mission with her. Was she stupid for trusting him again? What would Paige have done? Give him another chance just to be tossed aside again?

But she was tired. She was cramped from resting on the floor and desperately wanted to spend the next few hours feeling cared about. Exhaustion makes one weak, she decided.

‘Every run you take, you take a risk that you won’t come back. But that makes coming back and trying again even more important,’ Paige used to tell her. Paige was gone, but Rose was there, still able to take chances.

Hoping that she wasn’t making another mistake, she took Finn’s hand and he pulled her into a tight embrace. She felt safe and warm in an instant, falling into familiar comfort. They weren’t a perfect pair, but she didn’t want to give up. Take another run, her heart told her. Sure, her heart wasn’t always right, but it was right once. It could be right again to take another chance on someone who needed her.

But if he hurt her again, he was going into a trash compactor.

His bag sat on the floor of their quarters now and it reminded her of what she had tried to do. Everything was moving in circles that kept reconnecting. It was like a circuit that couldn’t be bypassed.

They shed their clothes in the dim light from above the bed. They’d been assigned one this time. She felt embarrassed when Finn hugged her, wearing only her underclothes. That had never happened before.

Under the covers, she rested her head on his chest and sighed.

“Is what happened to Leia true?” She whispered as he waved out the light.

“I don’t know what to believe,” he sighed. “I…I went to find Ben and there was just a dress on the ground and he was walking around, alive and everything. It’s like she was never there.”

“Maybe it’s because she’s always been here that it feels like that.” She closed her eyes, hoping that she could fall asleep quickly to end the conversation that she’d started. Again, she had bad timing with words. “If someone’s always been around, it’s hard to imagine that they’re just gone.”

“I’m sorry about everything, Rose,” he said before he kissed her forehead. “We still need to, um, talk, but I wish your sister was here too.”

“What? Why?”

“So you’d have had someone to talk to when I was being a jerk.”

She frowned but nodded at the words. “I wasn’t…I was about to say that I didn’t feel alone but I did. So, yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Goodnight, Finn.” She frowned to herself. “Well, I guess, good morning.”

“’Night, Rose,” he answered. “It’s still night if it’s dark.”

She was going to forgive him again, but that could wait until she’d gotten some sleep. Maybe if she was rested she could figure out if this was a good idea or not.


	23. Chapter 23

Ben didn’t even bother trying to find a bed. It was either too far or too much of a comfort. He forced himself to sleep in the conference room, sitting up in a chair that was definitely not meant to be slept in. Exhaustion easily took him, but he feared his dreams as he shut his eyes.

Echoes of their cabin on the memory planet teased him in flashes, shimmering and changing until it faded to black.

There were no visions or visitors, only an empty delusion of a home.

He made himself wake up a half an hour before they were due to meet. He had arbitrarily set the deadline and huffed at his decision. He felt disgusting, cringing when he touched his hair. Groaning at his own stubbornness, he stalked out of the room and made his way to his mother’s quarters, finding them on instinct. He was always drawn to her and her light and now all of it filled him.

Tricking the door open, he avoided looking at everything that decorated her space in the low light. She wasn’t there anymore so all of these items were meaningless. Wherever she hid her treasures, it wouldn’t be on this ship anyway.

He eyed the tattered state of his clothes as he undressed, only noticing then that both of their lightsabers were missing, along with the final canister. They were on the _Falcon_. He shrugged out of his jacket and frowned, keeping is hands moving to keep from thinking. Tossing his clothes on the floor, he noticed how his mother’s bed was still made, waiting for her.

He turned to the fresher and thumbed on the shower, only to glare at the stream. It didn’t smell like it should.

It didn’t smell like _home_.

Why was he so weak? Why was he thinking about meaningless things?

Gritting his teeth, he punched the wall. Its dull clang and the sting in his hand pushed him past his sentiments. Home wasn’t that place. Home used to be wherever his parents were. Then, it was wherever Luke was. Then, it was wherever Snoke told him to be. Now, his home was with Rey.

Making himself wakeup, he moved under the stream as he opened the carefully guarded box in his mind that held his feelings for her. They had blossomed without memories not because she was the only thing there. If he had been trapped there with anyone else, he wouldn’t have been brought to this point. She challenged him, showed him kindness, and made him want to be better, all while being beautiful, charming, stubborn, but also vulnerable. He’d been erratic in their return because all of this felt wrong. He wanted to live with her and for her, but he would always be putting her in danger. He’d put them both in danger, and now both her and his mother were gone.

His eyes blinked open, stung by the heated water.

His mother was gone.

The Skywalkers would die with him if he wasn’t successful.

His lifetime as being perceived as inept meant so much more at this moment.

Because he was.

He had been weak, like Finn, and lured to the darkside. He’d lost himself in tracking down his former teacher and failed there. He had been persistent in denying at how talented he was at misreading situations, but now his ultimate inadequacy pressed on his chest. He’d fallen into a Force bond and it was ripped away from him.

And there was no one left to guide him.

Thumbing off the shower, he snatched the nearest towel from the wall and dried himself, his face rigid at every ugly part of his body. His arms, his chest, his legs…every scar and every poorly healed break were all reminders of failures. Poe was wrong; there was no way that his mother thought of him as perfect in any way. Rey knew he wasn’t, so why should Leia?

His eyes snapped to the mirror, lightly fogged, and scowled at his reflection. Not that long ago, all he wanted to see was his own face.

Now, he hated it all over again.

With one firm strike, his hand shattered the mirror. Exhaling with satisfaction at his bloodied hand, he flicked the glass from his knuckles, enjoying the residual hints of pain that pierced his skin.

When the feeling passed, all he had was a bleeding hand.

Letting out a dull shout, he dropped his head.

Fine.

He fought against his impulses and took the notions of failure and released them into the Force. It wasn’t easy or comforting. Instead, it stung. The Force had always been with him and now was playing with him, threatening to reject his attempts to stay with the light. Ignoring the mirror, he threw the used towel on the floor and gathered up his clothing to dress hastily and try to meditate for a few stolen minutes before being drawn back into the hell of his existence at that time.

Rey didn’t think he was a failure, he thought numbly as he dressed. She was attracted to him, despite how he moved and acted, what he said and did. She could kiss him and he could feel her losing her loneliness, and him his. He’d lost that in their first weeks with the Resistance. Then he got her back by being a proper lover and a teacher. He had a hard time understanding how much younger she was, compared to him.

Then he lost her again.

He was fully dressed, fixing his belt, as he swallowed the thought.

The Force had been teasing him by tying Rey to him.

It had already decided that this was doomed.

What was his father _thinking_ telling him to go to her?

Was he just trying to trick him into thinking that he had a real place somewhere in the galaxy?

Glancing at his mother’s perfectly made bed, he felt a rising anger grip him again.

He was always falling under someone else’s undertow.

His jaw hurt as he emerged from his mother’s quarters and made for the conference room. Meditation was useless. It always had been.

His hair was still damp as the door slid open. Poe Dameron and Connix jumped to their feet, surrounded by three other Resistance leaders. In his previous life, he’d have killed them on sight. Now, he was going to take a seat at the table.

It was almost like they were laughing at him still as he numbly sat down and glared at the holodisplay.

“Sleep well?”

He ignored Dameron and shook his head. “What are your ideas?”

“We…we have some,” Connix said as she stood. He narrowed his eyes as he watched her pull a small cloth from her pocket. “Your hand is bleeding, sir.”

Glancing down at the table, he saw the small spots of blood and nodded. Connix rounded the table and handed it to him. He nodded at her and pressed it to his knuckles.

“Well, now that’s taken care of, back to what we’ve found out so far. Major Layman you had some ideas about the core…” Poe started talking and Ben zoned out, looking from his hand to the bowl of fruit and berries at the centre of the table. Why was there time for breakfast before an important meeting? He heard the words around him, but noticed how there were porcelain mugs of chai before every member at the meeting. There was even one at his side.

He sipped at it, listening to the group discuss the potential for exhaust ports. He had to roll his eyes at that. The door slid open and Finn entered, looking sheepish at being late. Rose followed quickly after him, giving him a light look before sitting at the table.

His eyes drifted from Rose to the new Death Star, still wondering how they could have built it so quickly, without him knowing it. The construction was perfect, almost too perfect. The pieces were even, not jagged. His mind drifted to one of the lingering thoughts he’d plucked from Dameron’s mind about a holopuzzle. The pieces would fit together if they were locked in place and built elsewhere. He didn’t normally notice things like this and felt a familiar presence was guiding him and his thoughts and it left his chai tasting like emerald wine.

“They will have improved the design,” he finally interrupted the dull voices around him. “They won’t put everything in the core.”

“What do you mean?” Layman asked. “How can they construct something this powerful without a real core?”

Ben shook his head. “They’re spreading it to the sections. Look at how it’s constructed: they’re putting it together in sections.”

Poe’s sharp eyes glanced from him down to the bowl. “So less like an Chandrilan apple, more like a luxberry? Instead of concentrating everything in the centre, you spread it out and hope for better luck?”

He nodded. “You can’t be destroyed from one central-weak point that way.”

“That’s not good for us,” Connix said, pursing her lips. “What do we do?”

Rose cleared her throat. “Well, you can’t crush an apple with your hand. But you can smush a berry.”

Ben turned towards her, noticing the lingering exhaustion under her eyes, but she had spoken with a slightly more confident tone.

“Yeah, especially if all the pieces aren’t together,” Finn spoke up, nodding. “And they’d be expecting we’d be going for the core. That’s in all of training.”

Picking up his cup again, Ben took a long drink of chai. Finn had been forced to go through the Death Star simulation as well.

The group began talking again and Ben let his eyes linger on the spinning hologram. He had more allies that truly cared about him at this table than he ever had with the First Order, or with the Knights of Ren. So why did it feel empty?

“…it needs to be a dual strike? Take out both of the command sections on the top and bottom?” Finn was leaning forward, agreeing with whatever Poe had said. Ben quickly recaptured the conversation and returned his ears to the fate of the galaxy, while his heart and mind drifted elsewhere.

“Yeah, they’re the pieces that are fully constructed — blow them up, and the other pieces will detach the cells. We caught them at the right time. If this were fully built, we wouldn’t have a chance.” Poe grinned as he stood. “What do we need, Ben? A day to get our fleet refuelled and sorted?”

A day. Another day that would put her at risk.

His hand instantly clenched, crushing the empty mug in his hand.

The room turned and looked at him, while his face remained neutral.

“I don’t think he agrees,” Finn managed to say, grimacing.

“I’m…” He trailed off, wiping his hand on his jacket and standing. “Twelve hours. The attack teams will leave in twelve hours.”

Poe’s eyes briefly narrowed and then he sighed. “I guess that means we have a lot of work to do. Connix, Layman, head up to command and start a total check of our supplies, top to bottom. Finn, I need you to check with Chewie about the _Falcon_. We need that ship to lead the party. Rose, I need to know what you engineers need. You know what I’m talking about. I’m going to go talk to the pilots in a bit. You’re all, yeah, dismissed.”

The rest of the room moved to go, eyes moving from Poe to him. He had already caught the feeling from the other man and stood in place as the conference room emptied.

Once again they were alone.

But it was different this time.

“So while we’re blowing up this thing, what are you going to do?”

“I already told you. I’m going for Rey.”

He’d felt numb since he’d broken the mug, hells, since he shattered the mirror. If it weren’t for the ghosts in his shadow, he wouldn’t have had any clarity throughout the meeting.

Annoyed by Poe’s silence, he finally looked at him.

“We already discussed this,” he breathed out. “I don’t understand the problem.”

He’d already been blurring in and out of conversations so now was no different. Poe was shouting at him and he could only blink in response, instead looking at his bleeding hand as the blood pooled at his fingertips. It was a delightful distraction.

Poe grabbed him hard, clutching at the front of his tunic. The sudden shock rocked him, leaving him blinking with a rising fury in his chest at being touched. He clamped down _hard_ at his reaction, staring at the other man as the words only pitched in his ears as rage deafened everything else. It had been underlying everything, keeping him from hearing. The Force had kept him from it, again obscuring the world. It was always the damned Force.

The squeal in his head settled into a dull roar as he took a deep breath and Poe’s hands loosened.

“Did you even hear what I said?” The other man’s voice echoed slightly.

With hardly a motion, he shook his head.

As his hands dropped away, Poe was still glaring as he huffed a sigh. “I’m not letting you go alone. If she means that much to you…”

“She does,” he snapped. “I can’t feel her yet but _I will_.”

“You can’t…” Poe’s voice trailed off as he started pacing the room and then his mouth shut into an angry line. It briefly reminded him of Rey and how she could glare at him for not doing the chores on the planet. Again, he drifted, losing track of the present. It was broken when Poe gritted his teeth and tossed up his arms. “You can’t see yourself, but I can. You’re _not_ okay right now; you’re kriffing far from okay.”

“What do you see.” He heard his own voice but didn’t feel himself speaking.

“What?”

“What _do you see_.”

Poe took a slow step back, biting the inside of his mouth. “Your eyes. They’ve…I don’t know. They’re different. They were like that before. I was worried and now…I’m just. Stuck. I don’t know what to tell you, Ben. But you were out of it this entire meeting.”

He could almost feel his heart fall, but the numbness stopped the full brunt of the sensation. It danced against his soul, but was blocked by his own awkward way of understanding. He straightened against the wall and looked away, eyeing the corner of the room like it was the most important thing in the universe. He couldn’t look at anyone else again. This was why he needed the mask; he could hide in plain sight.

“I need you to do your part,” he finally said, breaking the dull hiss of recycled air. “You take our fleet. I get Rey and end this.”

“It’s…it’s not going to be pretty if you go in looking like this.”

He closed his eyes and winced. There was no shower of warmth there, inviting him in to drink in its delicate tones of love and centering emotions, only the echo of a heartbeat. He thought about the second-to-last gift that Leia had given him, showing him how to reach beyond whatever was blocking Rey from him and find his child. The gentle rhythm was slow and even, telling him to be calm. Everyone around him could manage, and he was about to burn down the galaxy for her. Finding the pearl in the endless sea of black, he drew a long, deep breath and looked up again.

Poe actually smirked when he met his eyes. “Just keep doing that and we’ll be fine.”

“Good.”

“I’m…I need to go.”

“Then go.”

He left him without another word and he took the silence as a gift and slid to the floor and gritted his teeth. The dark side was so easy to fall into; he heard his own words to Finn like they were memories of someone else’s life. He was split between these two lives just as he knew he would be. He could be a leader; he’d shown that. Hux had Rey, he knew that, or at least supposed that he did. He was doubting everything; his mother’s spirit had left him as soon as it had helped him, like she always did. He always needed to stand on his own two feet, even if he wasn’t prepared to. Hux was in charge now and had two weapons that could attack two threats: him, and the rest of the galaxy. But what would he do with that man when he found him? He had doubted his leadership. He had plotted against him. He was also unhinged and driven by a drive that he could unfortunately relate to: he needed to prove himself.

Standing with a muffled grunt, he needed to find something that reminded him of this place, of this now, to guide him back to the light. It couldn’t be Rey; it needed to be someone else.

Ignoring the scrambling Resistance crew as he moved down the halls, he found the path back to the medbay.

He entered the room that he had only vacated hours ago to find a young female medic, folding his mother’s clothes into neat piles.

“Leave now,” he growled.

She jumped, startled and instantly paled. He didn’t apologize as she left the room. If there was a tomorrow for him, he’d apologize then to whomever that was.

He slowly approached them, remembering what he was thinking before Finn interrupted him.

His boots stopped at the edge of the bed and heard himself sigh into the echo of his own mind.

“She died for you, Ben.” Luke’s voice broke his thoughts as he touched her dress again. “Don’t let her go like that.”

He turned and saw his uncle, shimmering in blue. He never believed in Force ghosts before all of this, but belief was another weakness.

Luke rolled his eyes. “Come on, Ben. You’re thinking in squares again.”

“Squares?” He narrowed his eyes.

Luke looked younger in the vision, shaved with more shades of blue-tinged blonde than grey. He smirked at his confusion. “Remember when you came to the temple? All you liked were patterns and star maps. Everything needed to form a square.”

Ben stood motionless, his hand still on his mother’s gown. “What’s your point?”

“I never have one,” Luke sighed, moving around the room like it was empty to sit on the bed where he had rested hours ago. Luke sat on it like it was nothing and tilted his head at him. “Or at least that’s what you and Rey think.”

He shifted his weight. “You used the present tense.”

Luke swung his legs. “So I did.”

Ben closed his eyes. “Why do you always have to be so frustrating?”

“Because that’s what you need, Ben. You always hated sitting still and listening to others. If you’re given a challenge, you will take it. By yourself, alone, you invent things. Like you’re doing right now.” Luke spoke, but Ben refused to look at him.

“I’m not inventing anything. This is happening. What do you know that I don’t?” He finally let go of his anger and eyed his uncle in his strange state.

“I know that you’re anxious about being a father. I know that Rey…you can’t feel her. And you want to, obviously.” Luke scowled and Ben waited for his lips to turn. They did in an obvious taunt. “She’s there, Ben. But you won’t like what they’re doing to her. She’s also afraid.”

“Have you talked to her?” He demanded, tired of Luke’s cryptic words. “She needs to know that I’m coming for her.”

Luke licked his lips. “I can’t. They really have that Force-blocking thing down. You really underestimated them.”

He could only clench his hands at the words.

Luke hopped down from the bed silently to put his ghost hand on Leia’s clothes. “I can’t feel her either.”

“I could.”

“Then you’ve got one up on me too.”

Exhaling, Ben finally faced his uncle. “We need to attack the First Order. Just…tell me what to do.”

Luke smirked. “You’re asking for help?”

Ben kept his fact neutral. “Please.”

Luke openly smiled then. “You’re on the right path. Just trust the Force…If you still believe in it.”

“From what Rey told me, you said that the Force didn’t belong to us, to the Jedi. We were arrogant in thinking that…”

“So you _do_ believe are a Jedi?”

Ben focused on the bulkhead across from him. He couldn’t kill a ghost. He had tried and failed before. “I don’t know what I am.”

Luke took a long, unnerving, breath. “Hasn’t that always been the problem?”

Then again, maybe he could kill a ghost. “Why are you even here, if you’re going to keep giving me these cryptic answers? You could have come to anyone. Finn, Poe, _your sister_ , and instead you’re here. Why.”

Again, Luke sighed. “Think about what Dameron just said to you. I’m here because you needed me. Even though you don’t want me to me here.”

“Is this the eyes thing? I’m…” he had to drop his head to inhale. “Have you ever _been_ in this situation before? Where someone you love more than _anything_ could die if you didn’t do anything.”

He heard Luke start to chuckle before he could finish his sentence.

“You don’t even know how many times that happened to me,” Luke finally said, stopping the enraging sound that he was making. “Look, Ben, I didn’t mean to stand between the two of you…”

“You didn’t.”

“Well, then I didn’t. So stop being an asshole and be a husband who thinks tactically. What are you thinking going in alone? The command ship is where we should be hitting at the same time as the new Death Star. I don’t know what you’re thinking,” Luke sighed.

“Because I got tired of you being in my mind,” he could have smiled then, but didn’t. “I am stronger than you.”

“Ben…”

“No! Stop. I need to do this. Leave me alone.”

Luke quirked his head and nodded, vanishing in a shimmer of light.

He was finally alone.

Exhaling, he looked at Leia’s dress and shook his head.

He didn’t need the traces of her and left the medbay, navigating the empty halls to find the _Falcon_. He entered the ship and ignored Chewbacca’s snoring to find his lightsaber. Lying down on the floor, he clutched it to his chest and tried to breathe and find his centre. But it all felt wrong.

The anger was too tempting not to fall into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ben solo is an unreliable narrator, fam


	24. Chapter 24

 

Rey hated not knowing what time it was. The ships lights were _always_ on, humming from the ceiling, which was even more tormenting than being held there. She was trying to rest, floating through the meditation techniques that Ben had taught her, when her body was demanded that she vomited. Scrambling off the pallet, her body ached as she retched into the corner.

At least that meant that the baby was really still there, it wasn’t just her imagination.

She wiped at her mouth and then rubbed the tears from her eyes.

She had to get out of there.

Rey sat up as the door opened, glancing over her shoulder at the stormtrooper lurking in the doorway. She guessed it was the same trooper guarding her the entire time. There was a small red band on his wrist; she had been checked on by one other trooper twice and he didn't have the band. This one would at least greet her when he entered her space, giving her a small tray of food every now and then. She had asked for a blanket a few hours ago and he almost sounded sincere when he told her no. But then again, she was looking for any way out of there. She could be imagining all of it.

“What do you want?” She glared, her mouth still tasting awful. There was no water there, driving the acidic aftertaste into her palatte.

“If you’re ill, you need to go to the medic,” the male voice answered her, dully behind the mask.

He stood there like he didn't know what to do, glancing at her vomit in the corner. 

“It’s not that bad,” she said with a shrug, sitting on the pallet again. “It’s just something that happens.”

“Hux was pretty clear in his orders.” He took two steps forward and she gritted her teeth. "And now we need to clean that up, so you need to get out of here."

She hadn't been let out of the room in the endless hours she'd been kept there. A chance to explore the ship was within her reach.

“You don’t have to do everything he says,” she tried to push past the collar to reach out to him, but was only met by a low ringing in her ears. It had been like that the entire time. Despite everything, she wanted to believe that there were good people within the First Order, just waiting for a chance to be freed. This was what Ben had understood as well. She had to do her part. “You should be allowed to leave here.”

“What, and be a traitor? Like FN-2187? Not a chance.” He almost laughed. “Come on, I don’t want to put binders on you.”

“Why not?”

“Just…don’t.” He motioned with his blaster and Rey sighed as she stood.

He led her down one of the endless hallways towards a lift and Rey took in every meter, counting her steps as she walked. She tried to distract her guard from her focused attempt to size up the ship by meeting his shielded eyes when they entered the lift.

“Do you know where you are from?”

He turned his head towards her. “No.”

“Do you want to know?”

“Why are you asking me these questions?”

She shrugged, still trying to keep track of how many floors they were traveling down. “I haven’t had much company recently. It’s nice to talk to someone.”

She thought she heard him laugh. “We’re not really trained in small talk.”

“I’ve spent most of my life alone. I’ve sort of had to teach myself.” She smiled, but still kept her ears on the sound of the lift approaching its destination. Nine levels.

He motioned for her to leave the lift and she nodded, letting him follow her.

“What’s your name?” She asked, keeping her tone light.

“TB-403.”

The answer was crisp and direct. She almost expected more of an argument. There was something off about her red-cuffed guard.

“That’s awkward to say.”

He was silent now, so she had to take a chance.

“Can I call you Tobey? I'm Rey.”

She wished she could feel what he was thinking. Was she making him angry? Was he quiet because he was trying to size her up? He knew who she was and what the First Order was planning to do. She’d been in this position before—navigating without a name to her companion and without the Force. She could do this.

“Call me whatever you want,” came the reply at last. “Just don’t make me shoot you.”

“I’ll do my best,” she grinned lightly, wanting to touch him, to connect with him.

She swallowed her questions as they approached and entered the medbay. It was empty and she frowned at the brightly lit space. There wasn’t even a droid there.

“What’s going on?”

He hit the locking mechanism and her body tensed as she stepped back from him. He hit two other key strokes and the lights dimmed to a faint red, dulling the space.

She heard the hiss and snap of his helmet as he removed it.

He was a light-skinned human, bald with piercing blue eyes. He couldn’t have been much older than her. He set his blaster and helmet down with a clang on one of the metal tables. She took two long steps back, glancing around for a weapon as she stopped in the middle of the room. 

“Wait, hey, it’s okay,” he finally said and she held her breath. “Just listen to me.”

She narrowed her eyes. “What are you doing?”

If his shoulders could slump, they would have. “You got him and FN-2187 out. I need you to help me.”

She hadn’t done any of that. Both of them chose to leave on their own. Why they stayed on the side of good was because of her. That could be her part, but she didn’t know how to help someone when she couldn’t help herself.

“Why.”

He licked his lips and shuffled his clumsy feet. “I’m getting reassigned to the new station. That’s a death sentence. This is my last duty here before moving over. And I can’t say no.”

She glanced around the room. “You put the medbay on emergency power. They can’t hear us.”

“But they’ll be here soon.”

She took a deep breath, willing herself to believe him. She couldn’t be naïve, but she needed all of the aid that she could get. Ben was coming for her. Despite the ache in her heart that spread through her chest, she was in a very precarious situation. One wrong move and everything could go wrong.

“I need this collar off,” she finally answered, breaking the awkward silence. Tobey gave her a small nod and she could almost relax, but not yet. “But I need to know why you’re asking me this? I’m a nobody here.”

He shook his head. “You haven’t been a nobody since you killed Snoke and took his ship.”

She wanted to roll her eyes but held back, keeping her face neutral. “Just, help me get the collar off. And I’ll help you.”

He nodded and looked back at the door. He quickly picked up and put his helmet back on and hit the same keystrokes again on the door. He looked at her again and motioned towards the table and she frowned, but shook her head in agreement. She sat on the table as the door slid open.

Hux and an older female medic entered, looking annoyed and hurried.

“TB-403, report.”

“She hit the keypad, sir,” he answered, cleanly. “But she’s cooperating now.”

“You should have _shot_ her,” Hux snapped. He turned his serious face towards her and she lifted her chin in defiance. “Is that what you want, scavenger?”

“I want you to stop all of this, stop tormenting people,” she glared.

Hux’s eyes narrowed and before she could react, he crossed the floor to grab her by the throat. She thrashed against him as he slammed her hard against the cold, metal table. The wind knocked out of her, she gasped as he pinned her down. She couldn’t breathe, she could only stare into his cold eyes as he gripped her throat. One hand shifted from her throat to her stomach and she felt her eyes get wide as she fought to force air into her lungs.

“He could never kill you, but I can and will,” he hissed. “But if he finds you without his child, that will hurt him more.”

The image of Kai from the dream sent a single tear down her cheek. She could have stopped all of this, long ago. She could have made a different choice.

But what sort of choice was it?

His hand tightened around her throat and pressed down on her abdomen, sending her heart into a fluttering panic. Now she really couldn't breathe.

She saw flecks of white start to spread at the corners of her vision, watching the room blur. Would he really kill her now? Just as the thought crossed her mind, the pressure suddenly ended. She gasped as he released her, taking a long step back.

“I am not underestimating him again.”

She sat up, rubbing the back of her head, demanding her heart to beat normally. After giving her one final and intimidating look, Hux stormed from the room, leaving her, Tobey and the medic. The medic shrugged her shoulders and approached her. She kept her eyes on her guard,, noticing how he was holding his blaster. He would have shot him to save her, she realized as he reengaged the safety as quietly as he could. 

She had to trust him.

The medic snapped her hand in front of her face and she turned to meet her dull eyes.

“I can give you something for the morning sickness,” she said, blandly.

Hux’s threat hung in the air and she shook her head. “I’m…I can manage.”

She quirked her head and nodded. “I’m going to do an examination. Lay back.”

Cooperating, she rested back on the table. The medic lifted her tunic with cold hands and felt around her abdomen. Zoning out, she glanced over at Tobey and how he stood near the door. All of this could be a trick, a ploy, to get what they wanted from her. This was even worse than being trapped without answers; these questions had too many answers.

The medic went through the routines and prodded her lightly with various scanning instruments. She finally huffed and turned to Tobey to nod at him, without saying another word, before she left.

“Are they always like this?” She asked.

Tobey shrugged as best he could in the awkward uniform. “Like I said, no small talk.”

She sat up, fixing her clothes. “Why didn’t they have a droid examine me?”

He motioned towards the door and she reluctantly let him lead her down the hall and back to the cell again. In the lift, he leaned forward to whisper that almost all of the resources were going towards the building of the new base. He was talking about this like she knew exactly what was going on. She had to pretend that she had all of the information that she hoped that her friends had, but she had no idea.

Nearing her cell, she temporarily resisted, glaring at him over her shoulder.

Tobey’s plastic gloved hand gripped her by the belt as he pulled her closer.

“You are Resistance scum, now get inside.”

He shoved her hard inside and the door snapped shut in the motion.

Breathing deeply, she felt tears rising and fought against them as she felt down her body. The ghost of Hux's hand and the clinical touches of the medic still haunted her skin. 

Then her hand found the small pin that he’d slipped into her belt.

The wetness in her eyes turned to tears of joy as she stepped away from the door, knowing that he was outside, watching her. She scuttled to the corner and curled up in a ball, instantly setting to work on the collar.

“Come on, baby,” she mumbled, tucking her free hand to her still-flat stomach. “Help me here.”

She tried to find an opening, any notch or gap, and gritted her teeth. It was like trying to get Ben to pick up his clothes off the floor off the floor all over again. She felt the growing frustration at forcing him to do chores or not be angry with her when he read to her once again. The dream reverberated in her mind like a trapped animal again. She’d been caught; she’d been weak. That’s all she was because that’s what they thought that she was. But she always found a way out. She wasn’t just a scavenger, looking for some prize to claim as her own. They thought that she was damaged prey to lure a larger catch.

She was going to be ready for them and show the First Order that she shouldn’t be underestimated. If Ben could break through the door of the cabin, she could find her way out of this.

Her stomach twitched just then and her hand found home.

A gentle click filled her ears and she smiled in victory.

She was able to take a deep breath before the wave hit her.

The Force filled her body and Ben came flooding back to her.

Her joy drowned in the torrent.

A rush of clean rage thudded into her head, bleeding down to her heart. He was angry, nervous, confused, and stressed, keeping all of the emotions in a blocked balance hidden beneath a fake calm. She saw that face as she tasted the emotions like they were her own. The feeling knocked her back to who he had been before they were without memories. She’d hoped that he’d never be that man again, but had seen those flashes out in the world.

She’d let this happen; she’d been captured. She had brought this out in him.

Shaking, she rolled over onto her back and hid her tears into her dark sleeve. She bit her lip to stop from screaming in frustration. No, it wasn’t her fault. They had been ambushed. She wouldn’t fall into that dark place along with him. The emotions from him met the light from within her and she bit so hard that she tasted blood. She brought him back to the light before, once without knowing how and again by trusting in the path before them. Now, she knew better.

She had to be herself and trust in the Force.

Snorting breaths through her nose, she sent out careful signs of life along the tattered bond, both hoping and dreading that it would spring to life again.

Once it did, sleep pulled her down into the hidden river, no matter how hard she fought to surface.

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

 

Everyone assembled in the hanger were standing in an awkward, dejected silence.

Leia's death was still being accepted, but the looming mission sharpened those feelings. 

The rest period hadn’t been long enough, really, but everything at least felt as ready as they could be. The last of the planning had been spent in small meetings thrown together in between restocking ships and prepping pilots. Poe was good at drawing up plans on the run so it suited him.

Now, after dropping out of hyperspace, they were only an hour out from starting the first wave of the attack: they would have only one shot to let the First Order know that they were there, helped by Ben’s knowledge of their shielding rotations. He gave them the information in a neutral tone, always standing behind the planning groups. Sometimes, he’d just reappear behind them, returning from wherever he kept retreating to.

Poe didn’t have time to be worried about him right now, standing in front of the gathered Resistance on their ship to offer both words of memory for their lost leader and encouragement for their next fight.

He had never felt his heart beating so hard before and actually worried that everyone around him could pick up on the thundering in his chest. The dead moon, drained of resources and picked clean like a carcass, wouldn’t be the perfect cover and they knew it. But it nearest protection that they had and they’d dealt with less before. The next sector over was their goal; the command ship drifted with its deadly payload around the skeleton of their future doom. Everyone looked to him for words that he had struggled with on the walk over, shuffling his feet and unable to come up with something fitting when he first entered the hanger.

He never liked taking the easy way out, but an idea made him take a cleansing breath.

With a dull smile, he looked up to Ben.

“Hey, you speak this time.”

Ben had stood at dull attention at his side after the call to the hanger, still wearing black. Poe had a feeling that he wouldn’t see him in anything else from now on.

Confused eyes met his, although they were mostly guarded. But he blew out the air from his nose and stepped forward.

“General Organa was and still is my mother,” he started, eyes darting around before they found a spot across the hanger. The hints of yellow were faint, but he still could catch them from the corners of the other man’s eyes. Instead of focusing on that, he tried to hear the words. “She would have said something that would have stayed with you, but I’m only here because I have to be. I'm alive because of her and stand where she should still be standing, if the First Order hadn't stood in my way. We have a mission. A final mission. It’s been the mission that you’ve had from the start and that I’ve believed in for longer than you will be able to understand. I…I…”

Ben’s deep voice suddenly faltered as he looked down first at his feet to inwardly scream. He fell down on one knee and the silence turned to collective inhaling and Poe felt himself falling into the spiral before forcing himself to lift his head and focus his eyes.

But then, after three deep, long, agonizing breaths, the dark-headed man’s head shot up.

“She’s alive!”

The silence shifted to voices chattering in confusion and Ben’s eyes snapped to his. “I felt her. _I felt her_.”

The words echoed into his stunned ears as he caught the look on his face. His eyes burned without a hint of the threat he’d seen earlier.

Poe eventually made his mouth work as he looked from the man on the floor back to the rest of their people. “Rey’s alive. The First Order is going down. Now, I think that’s enough of a pep talk. Countdown starts now!”

There was no rousing cheer, just exchanged glances and then firm faces turned in his direction. Impressed or not, they at least looked ready.

Feet were moving in an instant, sending the lines of people to different corners of the hanger and down the halls of the ship. He spotted Connix heading with the rest of the bridge crew out of the area, already running through her checklist. There were no questions in the raised voices that filled the hanger. The plans were already in everyone’s heads so Poe shouldn’t be as near panic as he was. He quickly channelled the anxiety into excitement and turned to face Finn at his right.

“We still want you and Rose on the Falcon. That’s going to be our best diversion and cover for the fighters, besides the big ships,” he said. “That still good with you?”

Finn nodded, jutting out his chin. “We’re ready to go. I’ve manned the guns before and Rose is a better pilot than I am anyway.”

Rose tilted her head and smirked. “It doesn’t take much.”

Poe didn’t want to turn his head but knew that Ben hadn’t moved. “You’re going to go get her now, Finn. We’re going to get her back and teach these bastards a lesson. They can’t mess with us and get away with it for much longer.”

Rose frowned, motioning with her head. “Is he…okay?”

Finally glancing over his shoulder, Poe followed her eyes. Ben was kneeling now, his head dropped with his eyes closed, ignoring the commotion going on around him. A mechanic sprinted by him and he didn’t even flinch.

“He will be,” he finally said. “I think they have some things to talk about. Baby names and stuff.”

BB8 rolled up and chirped at his feet, breaking their conversation. Poe gave Finn and Rose a final look and turned to follow his droid to his ship to finish the final adjustments, leaving them to a waiting group of engineers. His spot wasn’t on the bridge for this; it was in his cockpit. He had to trust in Connix and the rest of the senior leadership to take care of the plans that they had made, and then to come up with new plans when those inevitably failed. Leia would have probably come up with some proper contingency strategies, but she wasn’t around to force him into thinking inside the box. He was at least closer to the box than he’d ever been before, so he guessed that she would be proud of him.

He was adjusting a fuel hose that BB8 was beeping about when he felt someone standing behind him.

“Everything okay?”

“I need to be alone,” Ben’s voice came firmly over his shoulder.

“Yeah, we’re under control.”

“Good.”

He heard his footsteps cross the hanger to the _Falcon_ and looked over to see him disappear onboard.

BB8 whirred a series of concerned tones and Poe sighed, looking down at his droid.

“I know, buddy. But she’ll help get him together. We’ve got to trust him.”

Rolling back and forth, BB8 chirped again.

“He’s coming back, don’t worry.”

BB8 wasn’t satisfied, still rolling at his feet. He rolled his eyes and pressed on with his task. Poe liked to believe that he understood what love was. Love for a parent, a friend, a cause…but seeing Ben with Rey and then without her made him question what he knew about love for a partner. He'd thought about it again in the stolen hours of sleep he'd managed to catch in the down hours. Pulling him from the dark must not have been easy for Rey, but then again she was hardier than he ever expected her to be. If anything, getting her back would give him a chance to see them both happy again. Right now, Ben betrayed the depths of his heart by wavering back to what he knew best. Losing his mother in the maelstrom of those feelings didn’t make the blow any easier. Poe wasn’t about to let Leia down and fall into doubts about all of this, but it still stung to remember the look in his eyes in the conference room.

“It’s not healthy just to talk to droids and weirdoes.”

He smirked at the voice from over his shoulder. “Then I’d have no one left to talk to, Jess.”

Pava stood two steps behind him, her arms crossed. “We needed more time to plan. Twelve more hours would have meant we would be well rested and…”

“Since when do you not want to jump right into a fight?”

She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Since we don’t have our general in charge anymore.”

He finally fully turned, taking in the hanger floor again. It was controlled chaos that was being mirrored on the two other cruisers in the fleet. They’d been in constant communication with their other pilots and the commanders of each ship. His thought he had everyone’s names sorted out by now, but he was glad to step away from that part of the battle. They had the cover, they had the ships, they had the pilots.

“One shot is all we need,” he said. “They did it in the old days. We can do it now. We start taking out those little cells and it will lead us straight to the power cores and set off the chain reaction.”

Jessika pursed her lips and then finally nodded. “As long as he takes out their command ship.”

“He will,” he answered quickly. “You ready to go?”

Smiling lightly, she gave him a quick nod. BB8 whirred at his side as she strode across the hanger to her fighter. He glanced down and shrugged before doing one last walk around his ship as the engineer peaked his head around the corner to signal that they were ready to go.

He tugged on the bottom of his jumpsuit and nodded to himself.

“Yeah, I’m ready to go too,” he mumbled to himself, answering his own question.

The countdown was ticking and doubts would have to be left there until he got back.

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

Finn caught Ben’s eyes when he boarded the _Falcon_ and saw his frown deepen. He was sitting on the floor, spinning Rey’s lightsaber; he would have seemed bored if his face didn’t betray his feelings.

Biting his lip, Finn gave him a light nod and shifted his weight. Pressing forward, he moved to the cockpit to exhale. Chewie and Rose looked up at him from their final preparations.

“How soon until we go?”

Rose glanced up. “The fighters are taking formation. We’re up soon.”

“How soon?”

They all looked up to see Ben standing in the doorway. Chewie growled lightly at him in response before returning to the controls. After briefly glaring at him, Ben nodded and stalked away.

“What did you tell him?” Finn asked, still unable to untangle the Wookiee’s speech.

Rose smirked lightly. “He told him to stop sneaking up on people.”

“How can someone so big move so quietly?” Finn mumbled and shook his head.

Shifting in her seat, he saw Rose frown.

“Have you talked to him yet?”

Dropping his head, Finn could only pick at a thread on the edge of his jacket.

“Go, you big dummy.”

Nodding, he turned and made himself walk up to the bigger man. He looked calm, which made Finn feel slightly more confident when he caught up with him. He was eyeing a patched up pipe, running his fingers along the newer metal that was bonded to the old.

“We fixed that not that long ago.”

Ben turned and tilted his head. “You and Rey?”

“Yeah,” he said. “How is she?”

“Afraid.”

“Of them?”

Ben’s mouth was a firm line. “Of me.”

His eyes looked blank, almost resigned to what he had just said. Everyone was on edge and exhausted, but Finn knew full well that Ben had taken a full brunt of heartache, but appeared to be pushing through it. Finn had been so close to giving up into the darkness that the man had swept from him that he saw the easy temptation into giving into anger and fear. Of course Finn was afraid for Rey and his rage at the First Order was now in its rightful place; his head and heart were clear but couldn’t understand why Rey would worry about her husband. He looked tired, but like himself. He wasn’t breaking anything and other than withdrawing from the others, he looked normal.

None of what Ben had said sat right with Finn.

He shook his head. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Ben slowly blinked, wincing slightly in response. Finn couldn’t tell what it meant and frowned at the questionable look. What was he missing here?

He slowly shook his head and returned to staring at the venting. “I can feel her but can’t reach her yet. I need to speak with her.”

Finn felt his insides briefly tense at remembering the connection that the two shared. Most of the time he was glad that he didn’t have anyone in his thoughts, but realized that if Rose could have heard his thoughts, she would have seen how irrational his thinking had been far earlier. Sometimes words wouldn’t work, when feelings overwhelmed their meaning.

“Are you going to tell her that it will be okay? That you’re okay?”

Ben’s hand stilled and slowly balled into a fist. He didn’t turn but Finn noticed the slight quiver of his hand as it rested at his side. “I just need to speak to her.”

“Look, I never really got to thank you…”

“You did,” Ben said then quickly strode away, towards the crew cabins. Finn thought about following but instead took a deep breath and looked around the interior of the _Falcon_. He heard the engines start to whine to life and slowly leaned his head back in frustration.

They weren’t going in as a team. Again.

Frustrated, he turned back towards the cockpit.

This fight was his fight too and he cared for Rey and Rose and everyone else. 

The one thing that kept him steady was knowing that there was no ego battle here. 

He didn't want Ben to drown in his demons but didn't know how to help him fight them. 

He’d have to find a way to do his part.


	27. Chapter 27

 

Ben’s emotions were being kept in place by a thread, one that was tied to her heart.

Rey blinked awake, feeling the familiar shiver of his presence.

It made her pulse skip and felt a warmth spread in her belly. Her smile wanted to burst through but it was held back by the distant taste of darkness surrounding him.

Looking to him in the echo of her cell, she felt tears sting the edges of her eyes.

This wasn’t how she wanted to see him again.

“Where are you?” His voice was soft, eyes glistening. He looked so much older then, the scar achingly red.

“On the command ship,” her answer was hardly a whisper as she forced it out, struggling to get through the exhausting connection through the Force. “I felt…I felt you. Your anger, Ben…”

“No!” He blinked hard, closing his mouth into a firm line. Then his face shook; it was the slightest movement, but she it made her heart fall. “I can control it.”

Like they’d done before, precariously reaching for one another on Ahch-To, she extended her hand towards his; they were both unaware of where that first touch would lead. Then, he had only momentarily hesitated. Now, he was just staring at her hand, thinking that it would disappear if his skin met hers. She knew that he was on the _Falcon_ and put that image around then, pulling on strength from his lingering fury. The bond was firming again, drawing energy from them both.

This wasn’t going to last for long and she felt her hand shake.

From where he knelt on the floor of his father’s old quarters, he met her eyes and quickly shifted them forward.

“You were afraid.” His lips barely moved as he spoke.

Her hand still outstretched, she stepped forward in her mind. The space shimmered around her, pressing on her slowly flagging mind. “You’re right. I was.”

She watched him clench his jaw, punishing himself, before looking up again. Her strength fled when he met her eyes.

“Please, Ben, I need you.”

He was moving before the tears could leave her eyes. His hand gripped hers and he pulled her into her arms, his tense form sagging against her as he shuddered.

“I’m coming for you. We’ll be there soon.”

She didn’t want to let go. His arms were the only home that she’d ever known and it felt so real that she could breathe the air of his ship, their ship.

He was the one to pull back, pressing his lips to hers with harsh desperation. Her lips nervously parted, shaking as he gripped her face and forced his tongue into her mouth. Shuddering, she whimpered and one hand reached to grasp her back to keep her standing. Her arms found their way around his neck, snaking her fingers under his collar to feel his skin, the warmth cementing her false reality. His kisses grew softer and less frantic at the touch and she sighed, tasting and needing his gentleness. That was him: that was her Ben. He needed to be whole; they had to bring him back from this. It was her turn not to leave him alone on the wintery plains of memory this time.

She felt herself sob, despite herself, at the thought. Still holding her he parted, resting his forehead against hers.

“We’re going to do this together.”

“I didn’t mean to leave you.” She firmed her face, refusing to cry.

“You didn’t,” he said, plainly. “I made a mistake. I’ve made a lot of mistakes.”

“Being with you was never a mistake,” she tried to steady her voice but felt it shaking as she spoke. “I’ll get to the bridge. Hux is waiting for you.”

He licked his lips, his shoulders stiffening. “Please let me kill him. Rey, you need to understand, he…”

“Kill him.”

She could taste the detachment of her tone as the two words left her mouth. She fought to keep the images from reaching Ben’s mind but saw; his eyes ripened to an alarming orange at the thought of him threatening their child. As the gold started to creep towards his pupil, she jerked away.

“Stop it. Now.” She huffed out the words, gritting her teeth.

“I _saw_ what he did to you, what he wanted to do.”

“Ben, please.” Rey lifted her head. “I’m with you now. Let me back in.”

Slowly, he blinked then let his eyes firmly close. “I can’t let this take you too.”

She let the fake world of the _Falcon_ fall away and their space was now cast in twisting darkness. She wanted to put them back in the cabin, but it was all too much. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t do it. It had been so much easier before.

“You’re not coming here to die.” She stepped forward, stroking his cheek to urge him to look at her. “I won’t let you.”

His dark lashes finally lifted and she tilted her head to gaze into his now-brown eyes. “I need to go soon.”

Leaning up, she brushed her lips against his again. When she settled back, she felt a deepening resolve drift over their renewing bond. It still spun and tingled in her chest, spreading a lingering ache that brought her back to the earlier days of not being able to leave.

“I’ll see you on the bridge.”

“No,” Ben said, a light shake of his head following. “Get the command into the main conference room. We need them all together.”

She narrowed her eyes, but slowly nodded. She had to hide her nervousness when she spoke and was sure that he heard or felt it. “I can do that.”

He slowly exhaled, reaching up to put his hand on her waist, stroking his fingers along the hem of her tunic. It was a simple touch, but it was his. “I love you.”

“I…” the words suddenly caught in her throat, flashes of possible futures jolting across her mind. She could only steady her lips, blinking back tears. _No crying_. “I love you. We’re going to have a future, Ben.”

She saw him glance over his shoulder and then back to her.

Their last look was in silence as the connection was sucked away in a heartbeat.

Grimacing, she fought back both his and her emotions, sitting down on the cold bench of her cell. Folding her hands under her thighs, she took steady, even breaths. She could still feel him exploring her mind, slowly letting her back into his. The bond was reforming, mending still-torn paths. It might not be the same. Their shining, beautiful, connection could possibly never be repaired. Her heart started to ache at the loss, but felt him responding directly.

_You’ll always be stronger than I am._

The bond was still reknitting, but she knew what he was doing.

He was resisting it. No matter what she said, he was coming to end the First Order and didn’t care if he was carried away in the carnage. And he didn’t want her to follow him into the dark.

She had to stop him.

She would follow him anywhere.

Then again, she couldn’t stop him throw a chair through a window. How could she stop this?

A whisper against her ear made her turn.

There was nothing there.

But she knew what it was trying to tell her.

They were leaving there together.

Firming that thought in her mind, knowing that he would feel it, she folded her knees under her chin and glared at the door. There was another threat coming and she had to look unflustered, but not serene. Hux would know if she showed any confidence.

She pictured him in the hallway, exiting the lift. She tried to block the vision from Ben, fighting to only send him hints so that he knew she could do her part.

Closing her eyes, she steadied her body before the door slid open.

Hux entered like he was bored. He was only pretending to be in control, she realized, feeling the underlying anxiety from his hidden emotions. He also feared that the others in command were out to betray him, to take away what was rightfully his. She didn’t react to his entrance, trying to draw out his rage.

“Well,” he sneered as he neared her. “You haven’t been giving us any trouble. Are you bored?”

“Leave me alone,” she said, finally looking up. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“No, actually.” He strode forward, leaving the door open, to sit beside her. She didn’t flinch.

Until he touched her knee and she jerked away.

He smirked. “Are you this sensitive with him? No wonder he’s with you. You must be squirming all of the time.”

“I said _leave me alone_.” She let her eyes dart towards the door and saw him react to it. Tobey instantly filled the empty doorway and she reached out to press on his mind. If the pin hadn’t been a token of truth, his mind was determined to get away. He would follow her lead. She couldn’t wait for him to meet Finn and see the outside.

“Sir?” Tobey’s voice broke the tense air. “You have a schedule.”

“Don’t you _speak back_ to me,” Hux snapped. “Stand there and shoot her if she moves. That’s _your_ schedule.”

“Yes, sir.”

The stormtrooper was lying. Rey almost smiled.

“You defeated him twice, yet run to him. You’re pathetic. You’re entire cause is pathetic,” the redheaded man turned to say to her, but she read through his confident tone, knowing he was trying to provoke her. He thought of himself as a small boy, shuttered aside in his father’s mind until he proved himself. But he’d hurt her and threatened her child, and he’d tried to hurt Ben and betrayed him. But just like Ben had seen darkness, this man had a past and had a mind; didn’t he deserve another chance? Her earlier words rattled in her mind and she felt her stomach tighten. More death wasn’t the path. Or was it? Life on Jakku was never fair to those who were kind and instead favoured those who could survive. This man was a survivor who was determined to claw his way up to keep surviving.

“Don’t.” She turned away, forcing the words to sound hurt and broken.

“I need to.” He gripped her arm and forced her up and she fought instantly, trying to pull away under his harsh hand. This was why Ben was drawn to the dark; seeing the good in people could lead to weakness. She let that drive her as she tried to pull away until Tobey entered the room to point a blaster dead at her stomach.

“You’ll both die,” Hux hissed in her ear. “Don’t fight, scavenger. He’s coming for you soon. We’ve detected his ship. His _father’s_ ship. We could destroy it now, but he’s a traitor to all sides. He doesn’t deserve an easy death.”

She didn’t answer, letting him guide her into the hallway. At the same time, she reached for Ben in her mind. She didn’t know how to make someone do something who was so determined. Hux wasn’t a weak mind. He had a firm plan. How could she make him assemble the leadership? She started to breathe rapidly and heard Hux laugh, taking it for panic.

_He wants power. Press on that._

Ben had heard her and didn’t give her the answer that she wanted, but the answer that she needed. She needed to solve the problem herself.

Trying to pull away, she punched Hux hard in the face and moved to dodge away when he snapped back. She got two steps forward and was swiftly met with the blaster held by Tobey, pressed to the back of her head. She froze. He wouldn’t fire, but he needed to act like he would. She heard the whirl of the power winding up as she bit her lip.

Hux rubbed his jaw, glaring at her from her side. “You really want to die.”

He took her hard by the arm and shoved her forward, still clenching his mouth repeatedly.

“If Ben is coming here, why not show them what you can do?” She was fighting against his hand as he forced her towards the lift. Her words were spliced with the sharpest jab a of mind touch, putting her faith in the Force that her life and her family wouldn’t end in that hallway.

He stopped, grabbing her by both shoulders and shoving her roughly against the wall. The wind left her lungs and she choked on her on breath as he glared at her. “I should make him suffer. Killing you alone wouldn’t be enough. They all need to see what I can do.”

She gasped for air and his eyes narrowed as he pressed his arm against her throat.

“You’re too weak,” she croaked out. “You’re more of a coward than he ever was.”

Hux clenched his teeth, choking her to the point that she couldn’t breathe. Her panicked heart reached out for Ben and felt him enter her mind. He gave her strength, and instead of finding rage she found his love. He told her to fight, but not for air. Hux wouldn’t let it end here.

She kept her eyes locked on his, stopping her struggle to glare at him sharply.

He finally let go and she slid to the floor, finally gasping.

“TB-403,” Hux commanded, fixing his jacket. “Pick her up. We’re going to bring her to the main conference room. We need an audience for Kylo Ren’s arrival.”

Tobey, with his plastic-clad fingers, helped her to her feet as she finished pawing at her throat. She sent the softest touch of her mind to him, telling him to flee once he had left her and the attack started. There would be too much chaos so he wouldn’t be noticed. Or at least she hoped so.

When they reached the lift, Hux’s hand clamped like steel around her arm and he dragged her in.

“You’re dismissed.”

“Yes, sir.”

Her thoughts lingered with Tobey as they started to rise up through the decks. He was moving, still torn. She sent one last push before she put herself back in the moment.

Time was slipping away from her, but she put her trust in the Force: it was whispering danger to her, but that there was light on the other side if she did the right things.

And of course it didn’t spell out what those things were.

It was on her now.

 


	28. Chapter 28

Ben leaned back and bashed his head against the wall. One, two, three hits. The sting made him wince and he hissed before standing.

He could still feel Rey’s mixed anxiety and resolve and tried to force it into one corner of his mind. He needed to resist her need to mend the bond, even though it made him ache. The pain from the back of his head helped with that.

The constant push and pull that brought them together and broke them apart was never going to bring either of them the peace that they both needed, he’d decided.

Rifling through his memories, he saw the combined darkness and light of his life: copying his father and revering him, yearning for his mother’s affection and approval, searching for the connection to Luke. All of them were gone now, adrift elsewhere. Then came the hazy grey murkiness that followed: the harsh and brutal training under Snoke, the black joy of having followers and being feared, the grisly pleasure of blood on his hands.

If Rey hadn’t made her choice, all of those memories would have been lost and he would have been free.

All of this came down to her need to remember and his want to forget.

He numbly punched the nearest bulkhead and grunted to himself.

Then he heard someone clear their throat.

He realized he was standing in the cockpit.

Three curious and worried faces turned to look at him and he felt his hand tremble as he glared back.

Chewie gave him a long questioning look and he held it, ignoring the eyes of Finn and Rose. He could see the command ship looming in the distance and just nodded at his father’s friend before turning.

He kept making these mistakes and missteps and there wasn’t time for that. Every second that brought them closer threatened to tear his concentration in two.

He stomped down to the prepared escape pod and grabbed Rey’s lightsaber. He tucked it into his tunic, in his belt along his back. He straightened the garment and shuddered at the warmth from her crystal. She’d found it; she’d made it herself. She was going to need it. At his waist, he hung his lightsaber along with the final canister he’d taken from the fuel facility. Rey hummed in his mind and he reached out to her, taking a cleansing breath and feeding off of her energy. She needed to survive this; he just wanted it to be over.

Pulling on his gloves, he heard Chewie’s heavy footfalls and looked up to meet his eyes. He growled a long string of syllables that made him bite his lip and shake his head.

“They won’t fire on you. It will go as planned.” A feeling he had tried to keep dormant rose in his chest and he had to shake it off. He snatched up his cloak and fixed it across his chest, thankful to have a distraction. “And I know we’re out of pods.”

Chewie quirked his head, growling, still not satisfied.

“I’m sorry too,” he climbed into the waiting pod and gave him a long look. “That I can’t bring him back.”

Chewie reached out to grasp his shoulder and he nodded at the gesture, too wound up to do more. The gentle growls from the Wookiee made his hands clench on the pod’s edges.

“There’s still another piece of him. Rey will bring him back with her.” He shook his head and pushed himself down into the tight space. How did Rey stand this? “Jump to light speed once you send me off.”

Ben hoped that Chewie realized he was trying to say goodbye.

He probably did.

He was smarter than his father, anyway.

The pod sealed shut and he closed his eyes, not able to be anywhere outside of his own head anymore. Rey was clamouring for help, held fast by Hux and his idiotic ideas of grandeur. He tried to calm her as he sought his own balance.

The two parts of him that had been temporary healed had easily slid apart again. He numbly fell between them and was almost grateful for neither the pull of the light nor the lure of the dark.

He sunk down into desperate meditation once he heard the release mechanisms kick into place.

The thought of returning like this should frustrate him, but in a way it was almost funny. They’d view him as crawling back in disgrace. Instead, he was coming to destroy them all. The most dangerous animals were the ones familiar with cruelty; the killing blow never came at once.

He couldn’t undo the past, but he could stop it from repeating itself.

Leave the hope up to the next Skywalker, raised by someone who could withstand loneliness and despair. One who could still try to fix what had been broken without letting it consume her.

A dull thunk and the rush of light through his eyelids brought him out of his own mind and his brooding.

At least he’d get to see her again.

Shaking himself from his trance and pushed open the pod. He stood up and was met with dozens of blasters pointed at him in the main docking bay. The atmosphere and the lighting used to be his own and now he was intruding on it, still bearing the weight of the First Order in how he moved and reacted.

A few stormtroopers flinched as he started to move and he felt a surge of excitement. But in the corner of his mind, he knew that the _Falcon_ had sped away. The Force didn’t tell him what or why he was feeling.

Setting his face in a glare, he straightened and drank in the fear from the weaker minds that filled the bay. One wasn’t weak, but just as annoying.

Shedding his cloak, he climbed out and was met with a passive grin from Hux. Rey must be well out of his reach now. His hair was slightly mussed and he caught the hint of a bruise on his cheek. No one should underestimate her. Another warm feeling arched across his chest and he had to fight from smiling.

The air was stale as he took his stance, matching Hux’s form to glare at him.

He reached out to Rey and gently brushed her mind. A dozen or so commanders of the rest of the First Order fleet were staring her down. Of course they were there. It was both pleasing and infuriating. Their ships were stripped of nearly all of their working personnel to get the weapon online. They were anxious and annoyed, but also expecting a show. He could almost see them through her eyes and put that sensation into the gaze he levelled at Hux.

“Ben Solo,” Hux smirked before returning to his exasperating commanding tone. “Formally known as Kylo Ren, former Master of the Knights of Ren and _former_ Supreme Leader of the First Order; you are herby charged with treason and sabotage in the highest degree. Hand over your weapons and…”

Hux droned on and on, his voice disappearing into the sea of anxious thoughts that surrounded him. He was already tired of being around him and he’d only been there less than a minute. Instead of trying to get anything out of him, Ben swept the floor for the responses from the gathered crew, ignoring the collective fear. One of the stormtroopers, the one in the middle stood out; his blaster was only on stun.

It was odd, but not that important.

He didn’t need a trooper. He needed an officer.

A young woman, five paces behind Hux with a serious face, had her lips pursed. She was glaring at him, but her thoughts were on Hux.

She used to be in charge of a portion of the budget, filing long lines of debt into categories for future payments. Hux had pushed them too far in too short of time. Gently, he clicked into her head and nudged her towards her suspicions: there were funds in hidden accounts, ones that he had tied to Hux himself.

He caught the blink of realization and turned back to Hux with a smirk of satisfaction.

“All of that _amuses_ you?”

The shout echoed around them, the din quieting every held breath.

Ben narrowed his eyes.

He exhaled and tilted his head.

Hux’s eyes narrowed into two beady dots. Ben’s numbness slanted within him and his hand moved swiftly in response.

“No, but this does.”

He ripped his unlit ‘saber from his waist and hucked it at the other man, landing a solid blow to his shoulder. Hux shouted profanities and he was met with eight blasters at his chest.

“What? You told me to hand over my weapon.”

He saw another trooper approaching, holding a collar. He glanced quickly into the darkened visor, the one with the blaster on stun, and could feel the other man’s thoughts.

The device was what had cut him off from Rey.

This man had helped her disable hers.

And he was planning something.

His head snapped back to the centre of attention, hearing an angry grunt. The look in Hux’s eyes would have sent any other man into terror. Instead, Ben laughed.

It broke through his chest, long blocked from the last few days of pitying himself.

Was there any training, dark or light, that could have better prepared him for this? Really, it all came down to knowing what Luke had done in the face of undeniable danger. Rescuing his father from the Hutt was just as uncoordinated and could end in ultimate failure. But it didn’t.

Because he wasn’t obsessed with controlling everything around him.

He had to let go.

Laughing helped with that.

“Do you _really_ think this is going to work? You may have me, but what does that _prove_?” He straightened his expression and saw the trooper shuffle his feet. He took his chance and dipped into the controls of the collar. A shock hit him when he recognized the device and how to disable it.

It was the same basic design as the device from the memory planet.

He flicked it off instantly, but the dread still crept into his throat as it was placed around his neck. He desperately sought out the bond with Rey and still felt it. He took a shaky breath: _The collar is on. But I’ve deactivated it. Don’t react._

Her answer took one too many heartbeats, making him tense. It matched the part he was playing.

 _I love you_ , came her reply at last.

Dropping his head, he gritted his teeth. Hux’s boots approached and didn’t look up.

“Doesn’t it feel good not to feel anything? It’s that what you were always looking for?”

He glanced up, drawing breaths through his nose. “Even cut off, I still feel your fear.”

Hux’s shoulders shook lightly as he inched his face closer. “Then enjoy that feeling. Because soon that feeling will be your own.”

He held back rolling his eyes.

“Search him,” Hux glared, ripping the canister from his belt like a trophy. “He might have more like this.”

Easily brushing off the awkward touches of the troopers, he set his face in a resting frown. He never broke when they gave the alert for all clear.

“Your trial will be swift _but_ painful,” Hux glared and turned. “I think that you would like that.”

Hux had been clever enough to find what had kept the Force and the memories from them. Ben was stupid to think that the First Order would keep their reaches from the isolated world.

They were the ones that shot him down.

He’d known that for far too long and had refused to accept it.

Pushed forward, he kept his head down as the sea of assembled troops parted for them. He caught the eyes of the officer and pressed lightly on her mind again. She blinked at him and then suddenly turned.

He caught the tail end of the trooper’s thoughts, feeling him leave the bay as well.

A jolt forced him into a lift and he was alone with Hux.

The idiot didn’t even have a weapon.

Time slowed down as the lift rose to the command deck, shifting to adjacent tubes as it moved through the ship. He could kill him now. He could kill him for disobeying him and undermining him. He could kill him for threatening his wife and child. He could kill him for not understanding what the First Order truly stood for; it wasn’t a career path. He could empathize with the need for vengeance, but trying to make someone proud in a vacuum was useless. He was watching the other man’s hand, drawn in by the colour of his knuckles.

When he blinked again, he was suddenly holding Hux against the wall, hand pressed to his throat. There was no Force power here. There was just the rage that he felt when he’d threatened his family.

This wasn’t the family that had abandoned him; this was the family he’d chosen as his own.

Rey was right; he couldn’t leave them alone like she’d been.

His hand tensed and then loosened, catching the anger in Hux’s brutal gaze.

He dropped Hux as the door slid open to four more troopers.

He greyed out from what was happening.

There needed to be another plan, one that he’d locked away.

His light, guided by Rey, had given him another way out.

Now, he just needed to withstand what was coming to carry it out.

A trooper hammered him in the face and he dropped to the ground, wincing in pain. Another kicked him in the side and he felt the butt of a blaster driven against his temple.

Pain used to help him.

Now it was just a dull annoyance.

His father and mother had given their lives to try to save him.

He couldn’t do that to his child.

There was another way.

 

-=-

 

The conference room smelled like men. It was an awful stench, reeking of people who were desperately clinging to power.

Rey just sat there, like an appetizer for a bigger meal as they eyed her.

“Scavenger,” a fat, older man said, leaning forward. “Who would have thought it would come to this?”

She held her tongue, eyes locked on the pristine table that her bound hands rested on.

“We know about your friends,” another said. She had heard all of their names before but never bothered to learn them. One gets further without knowing names. She survived nearly three months without a name and a past and didn’t need to dip into these men’s heads to know their pasts either.

Except for one.

A younger man, from one of the smaller ships, got a comm and darted off into an adjacent meeting room.

She felt Ben’s doing in that movement.

Someone knew something.

It was starting to unravel.

She just had to follow his lead.

And withstand the blows when they fell.

The moment he opened the full heal to the bond, her heart had leapt. Then it was doused by the vicious beating that followed.

He didn’t come there to die anymore, but he could if she didn’t act or reacted in the wrong way.

The younger man returned just before the commotion in the hallway ended. She heard satisfied sounds all around but also caught the quick whisper the man gave to the next one at his side.

They hauled in Ben, broken and bloodied into the room and Rey tensed. Seated with binders around a table of angry men, she didn’t have a hard time disguising pain for fear.

Tossed on the floor, he pushed himself to his knees only to be kicked down again by Hux’s black boot. He tossed his lightsaber onto the table. It spun lazily, the sound only broken by Ben’s breathing. She kept her eyes on the saber and took steady, even breaths.

Hux slammed down one of the canisters on the table and glared at it. Ben had saved it. He never put it with the others.

She tried to meet his eyes as he rested on his knees, brushing the hair from his face. Hux kicked him hard in the side and she bit her lip, realizing that the bond was deepening again. When Ben finally looked at her, she sent him her strength just to spite him. He had been resisting her since then.

He blinked at the gesture, just the slightest of movements. She felt his displeasure at her wasting her strength. Narrowing her eyes, she sent him a chiding thought about being secretive and keeping things from her.

It was like being back home again, conning him into fixing the dishes.

Just the thought of home made her hands tingle.

He finally exhaled, telling her that her lightsaber was hidden in his tunic. And that he had a plan.

She’d always hated his plans.

Too many things were broken along the way.

“We’ve already found him guilty,” Hux yelled, shocking the gathered command to their feet. “Execution at my hand is the decision.”

Her panicked eyes darted around the room for a moment before he calmed her.

A sudden shudder rocked the ship and every face turned in its direction.

The Resistance.

“What was that?” The plump man, she decided she hated, rumbled.

Hux looked slightly annoyed and slammed on the table, turning on the viewer.

She grinned at the sight. Dozens of Resistance fighters swarmed around their new weapon in the holo, finally shown to her. She felt Ben’s apology in the back of her mind and shrugged it off. Tobey had already told her as much.

Hux made an odd noise in the back of his throat and kicked Ben again. “You’re even worse than a traitor!”

Rey resisted her cuffs at that moment, earning sharp eyes in her direction.

“Stop it!” She shouted. “Stop this now.”

Hux’s breathing deepened as his eyes swept from Ben to her. “I should kill you right now. I should have killed you when I realized you were trouble but _he_ kept me from doing it. Now I understand everything. This will not fail because of _you_.”

She gritted her teeth. “It’s already failed because of you.”

Her glare did not break from his, daring him to move closer.

And he did.

She felt Ben’s thoughts in motion but kept herself from reacting. She held it within herself as the rage-filled face swept around the table to her side.

“This ends today,” Hux levelled at them both.

She’d already heard Ben’s saber turning on the table when she snorted in Hux’s face. “Yes, you’re right.”

 

-=-

 

Poe saw the _Falcon_ jump into view and let out the call without hearing his own voice. His heart was beating too loudly in his ears to really make sense of the moment.

There was no General Leia barking out orders. There was none of the old command waiting for them back home. He never dreaded command but he was yearning for old ghosts at that moment and someone to just tell him what to do.

The only sound he heard was the beeping of BB8 and the whirring of the engines as they kicked into gear.

He gunned them with his head in another place and time.

He thought about his mother, and Leia.

He couldn’t let either of them down.

But he still felt like he would.

That little gnat of doubt had never really been there before because he’d always had someone to let down who could hit him in the face if he did. It was always harder to let ghosts down. He’d never know how they really felt.

They’d go out first, giving Ben the distraction to shut it down. People would die. It would be on his hands. He had to hold his trust in the man and it would not be failing now. No way. He gave his head a shake and put his head back into the fight as the death ship came into view. It looked actually worse outside of the holo. They’d _lied_ then. They were lying about everything. He grinned and laughed over the comm.

“Looks like they overestimated how quickly they can outrun us,” he smirked. “BB8, give me a new rundown of this thing, let’s see what we’re dealing with.”

“It’s a shell!” Pava replied. “They were tricking us.”

“Tricks aren’t good,” he replied in a second. “Keep looking for something that’s not there — they don’t have a power generator. Where does it all come from?”

He readjusted his helmet and narrowed his eyes.

Then came the fighters.

They were still trying to protect it.

He let out a sigh and gripped the controls.

He was a better pilot than any of the people that were forced into the First Order and was only now starting to realize that the darkness wasn’t just evil; it was those who were drawn into the eddies that would bring them all down eventually.

“We need to wait for Ben,” he gritted his teeth. “He’s going to come through. Keep taking them out until we get an answer from the _Falcon_.”

“Kriff, Poe! He could be dead already! We’re on our own!” Pava’s voice filled his ears and he just zoned out.

“We keep at it,” he said, arching back. “Until we know.”

And the run on the new Death Star began with Poe Dameron still trying to make people believe that Ben Solo wasn’t a secret traitor.

He let out a low grumble under his breath and heard an angry sound from BB8.

“Well, at least you trust him too, buddy.”

 

-=-

 

Rey could almost count the amount of breaths that she took as the boardroom went from strained calm to chaos.

One breath, Hux is knocked across the room and crashes dazed against the wall.

Second breath, Ben’s saber sliced through her binders and she steps to his side, gauging the wild look in his eyes.

The feelings from before had vanished now that they stood side by side.

On her third breath, he turned to the gathered members of his former regime and she could feel how conflicted he was.

Her mind settled into the pace of the events and shook free of the last of the bindings.

He was still glaring down at the men in the room, watching Hux stir back to life in the corner. “Take your saber.”

She blinked but then quickly nodded, unsettling his tunic from his belt to grab her lightsaber. She let the clothes fall loosely around his waist as she lit her weapon.

After a light exhale, he strode across the room to snatch something from Hux’s pocket. Narrowing her eyes, she recognized the explosive from the mission that had landed her in the hands of the First Order. He turned to the gathered panicked faces and placed the device on the table at the centre of the room.

He didn’t activate the weapon, but instead met each set of eyes in the room. They were confused, but Rey understood what Ben wanted to do.

He was fighting against killing them all and giving them the choice to give up and live.

His saber went dead and he turned from the room. She followed with her shoulders squared.

Ben took another shaky breath as the door slid shut. He quickly typed at the nearest panel, shutting them in.

“Where are the troopers?” She asked, eyeing the empty hallway.

“Ask your friend,” he answered. “The one that put the collar on me.”

“You saw him? I told him to leave,” she frowned.

“I’m glad he didn’t.” He eyed the door one last time, running his hand down the panel. He finally turned to reach for her.

She threw her arms around his neck and sighed as his arms pulled her closer. She wanted to linger in the embrace for hours, but the distant sound of the alarm continued to pulse around them. He pulled away and his face was still torn.

“That wasn’t a regular charge.” She said, gently stepping away.

“No,” he replied. “It’s the fungus. From the planet.”

Her eyes went wide. “If they open it…”

“Then they die. Slowly.” His voice was level, but his eyes betrayed how he felt. “Everyone on this ship will die with them if anyone lets them out.”

“We need to tell them,” she quickly answered. “None of them can be that suicidal, I…”

“They built something again with the mission to wipe out resistance,” he cut in. “What would you do?”

She frowned. “Still tell them.”

She watched him blink back tears and then shake his head. “Then give them their choice. And then meet me on the bridge.”

Before she could react, he pulled her into a rough kiss before stalking towards the lift. He let their bond flow freely, still knotting their broken pieces back together again.

She put the dark tangents of his first intentions back in order and nodded to herself, letting him know that she knew. He’d come there just to throw himself into the fight and lose himself in it.

But something changed along the way.

That part was still unreadable.

And now he’d made her do the hard part.

It was another lesson: the lesson that a leader would have to make.

Counting breaths again, she unlocked the room and stepped inside to give the First Order its final ultimatum.

 

-=-

 

He walked into unkempt chaos on the bridge as he heard Rey deliver her careful words.

The images of the seated men filled his mind as he watched the scrambling sub-command dart between their terminals. The view of the planet destructor filled the expanse of space outside of the ship.

He stood alone an untouched as Rey spoke in his mind.

“You’ve shown us no mercy, but we’re still here to end this on peaceful terms,” her voice was level, cutting through the shouted commands and panicked voices of the command bridge.

“Peace?” Hux responded. His head shot to his left and cast him a death gaze until he realized he was staring down an ensign scrambling across the bridge to another section. His eyes refocused and nodded at the young man to continue.

“The true peace is First Order rule,” a Hux supporter chimed in, this time to his right. His head shifted and the image of the boardroom obscured the bridge further, layering grey on top of black and red. “You’re both fools not to see it.”

Rey stood with her shoulders straight. “What’s in that canister will not be a quick death. And if it leaves this room, then you’ve doomed everyone on this ship.”

“Oh, please,” Hux rolled his eyes. “If you don’t think we’ve uncovered everything that we needed to know from that back-water world…”

“Then open it.” Rey shot back. “Because this fight is already over.”

The last thing he saw as the vision shimmered to a close was her leaving the room to reactivate the seal and start her way to the bridge.

He set his saber with an audible thunk on the console, finally getting more than a few First Order members attention. One familiar face locked eyes with him: the woman from the docking bay.

The flashes of First Order and Resistance bolts streaked through the main view screen, locked in battle, ship to ship.

“Your command has abandoned you.” His voice was sharp and confident. He knew how to deal with the First Order. Being trained to follow blindly meant that any change in protocol was never met with ease. “Stand down the fighters.”

“Sir?” A lower-grade lieutenant stood from his station. “You have no command here, you should be…”

“Death does not want me just yet,” he answered. “Stand down the fighters.”

The other man’s eyes snapped away from him to his counterparts. “Do we even know who’s in charge here?”

The woman from the docking bay cleared her throat. “He’s really the only one making sense. Look what we’ve sunk into this, and where it’s gotten us. What even is this future we’re fighting for? Constant corruption and war? Our enemies are people we used to _know_ , people that made different choices. Our leaders kept lying to us and really, when he was Supreme Leader…”

The other man rolled his eyes. “Well, he’s _not_ Supreme Leader any longer…”

In the backdrop of the space battle outside of the view screen, he watched the internal conflict in the First Order start to unravel. The various cogs started to let their voices heard, standing from their stations as he stirred up the anger and resentment as rescinded benefits and longer working hours. The constant threat of attack had left newer officers and crew without the constant pressure of readiness fade. Now, being faced with it, the first suggestion of a different turn easily riled up confusion.

He felt Rey at his side and her hand slid into his.

“We’re just going to leave them in chaos?”

The voices were growing louder and posts were being abandoned. He took his chance and hit a few panels on the console. The faceless fighters let off a few scattered blasts and then turned and fled.

He hit one more key, signalling surrender to the Resistance fleet.

“Give them the choice to die here or leave,” he said again.

Rey’s anger spiked at that. “Can’t you?”

He slowly met her eyes. “When we leave this ship, everything will be different. I want to run too, Rey, I’ve wanted to run from the start. Who we are right now will remain, but we’ll also have to new people. Leaders, parents, partners.”

His last word sunk in and she lifted her head. “A balance.”

“Yes,” he replied. “We would never have found one another without it. Your strengths, my strengths, together. I came back here to die, but then I realized all of this. Without you, I’m nothing. But without me, you’re only half of a whole.”

She swallowed and then finally nodded, squeezing his hand.

They would either walk away together after her words into a new freedom or have to fight their way through hell.

But either way, she’d be by his side.

 

-=-

 

The _Falcon_ zipped into a battle that was over and Finn looked at Chewie with wide eyes.

“They actually did it,” Finn repeated to himself. “I guess we’re heading for that ship there?”

Rose blinked herself at the circling fighters around the husk of the death ship. It was a scene that lacked the flames of death, but the hints of doom still tainted the scene. The command ship loomed, flanked by equally deadly destroyers. But the space was still quiet.

The comm had come just as the three of them had been arguing about heading directly into battle. Chewie was determined to fix something that Rose had rolled her eyes at, telling him that they couldn’t wait and that it could be repaired later. Finn just wanted to test his hands at the turrets again and was left wanting, wandering the halls as Chewie pulled at random wires while yelling at Rose that it couldn’t wait. He could only overhear half of the conversation and was starting to slip into his own self-deprecation again.

He just wanted to give Ben and Rey a reason to trust him again.

It still burned at him that he was still in the reeds with them. He had a hard time telling the black from the white when it came to making choices for others. Poe was a fan of grand gestures. He really wanted to give his friends a true reason to believe that he was whatever he was. He guessed he was okay because he really felt it.

But coming in sight of the command ship reminded him of everything he’d left behind with the First Order. He wasn’t the only one who could have felt the way that he had, right? There was always hope in every corner of the galaxy and the edges of everyone’s mind.

Then came Rey’s calm voice, telling them to fly into the command ship.

Chewie instantly forgot what was so important to fix and they were off.

Now, space was frozen in a stalemate that made Finn’s head hurt. In his years with the Resistance, space always meant fighting and attacking, moving and moving again. It was strange to be in a place without fear and only confusion.

The main bay was opened for them and they flew into disorder. Troopers, crew, service personnel and command were scattering between the gathered craft. Once the _Falcon_ opened its ramp, he was the first one out.

He spotted Rey first, directing crewmembers in various directions. Everyone knew that there weren’t enough escape pods on the ships. But there were enough fighters and other ships to accommodate enough people.

Her head shot up when he called to her.

And she smiled.

She patted one last crew on the shoulder and cut through the scrambling footsteps towards him. He hugged her close and sighed in her ear.

“We’re doing it, Finn,” she exhaled. “It’s all going to be okay.”

“What happened?” He asked, pulling away. “Where’s Kylo?”

Her eyes narrowed for a second as he misspoke, but she shrugged it off. “He’s waiting for the command to make their decision.”

That didn’t make sense. They’d ended the fight. They were sending everyone off the ship. He had never seen anything like this before so it didn’t sit well with him that the chaos didn’t come from all of the command already being dead.

Rey answered his question before he could ask it. “He wanted to talk to them alone.”

“Just tell me you’re okay,” Finn said, feeling Rose at his side. “Tell us you’re okay.”

She looked tired and bruised but still nodded. “I’ll feel better if we can take some of these people with us.”

He glanced behind him at Rose who grinned at him and nodded.

“The self-destruct will be going off in fifteen minutes,” her voice, steady, added. “We’re ready. Everyone is welcome at the Resistance.”

Rey grinned at the response and turned to go. “I’ll go get Ben. Wait for us.”

“Rey, wait.” His hand shot out to grip her arm. “You might not have time.”

“I’ll do it, Finn.” Her voice was serious, but her eyes still held the fire of the girl he met on Jakku.

Even as she walked away from him, wearing different clothes and hair, he realized that he would follow her anywhere.

“Sir?” A trooper without a helmet bumped his shoulder. “FN-2187?”

He turned to face him and nodded. “Yes, I’m Finn.”

“TB-403,” he replied. “But she called me Tobey.”

Finn felt his confidence in Rey continue to solidify. “If you’re looking for a ride, we’ve got one.”

 

-=-

 

There was no klaxon from the self-destruct, but everyone in the room knew what he’d set in motion. Ben had seated himself at the head of the table and looked at the unopened canister with bored eyes, hiding his true feelings. Hux was against the far wall, nursing a bloody nose.

They’d left them in chaos, and he’d returned to the aftermath.

He didn’t have much time left.

“It’s over,” he said, finally breaking the silence. “If you leave now, you can make the last of the transports.”

The man who had threatened Rey before turned from staring at the wall to glare at him. “And who’s to say you won’t hunt us down like dogs after? This mess can’t be undone so easily.”

He was tired and annoyed. He just wanted an agreement, but forced his face not to react. “I know that this will all start again in some time. What I’m looking for is a respite. Aren’t you?”

He let his frustration bleed into his voice and pressed on the man’s mind and saw Hux’s reaction as the other man nodded and made his way to Ben’s side.

“Can’t you _see_ his manipulation? This is what I was talking about! All of them are freaks, they don’t think like us. And he’s the worst of them,” Hux shouted, letting the blood from his nose start to flow freely over his mouth.

Ben let the pity he felt for the man crack in his chest. Then he turned to the others in the room. They slowly exchanged glances and turned away from the bleeding man.

They just wanted it all to be over too.

He never thought that the First Order would feel the same emptiness in the endless conflict that he’d felt.

Well, all but one.

He waved the door open and the men scrambled from the room. That just left him and Hux.

He stood and tried not to let rage set his stance, but knew that it was still there.

“Armitage,” he started, but was quickly cut off.

“Oh, stop it!” The other man shouted. “Weren’t we both the same, Kylo? Father’s that never loved us? Mother’s who we despised? The only home we had was here, with these fools. I’m not leaving. I _want_ you to kill me. I know that’s something you’ve wanted to do for so long.”

Again, Ben eyed the canister on the table.

He picked it up and clipped it back to his belt.

“I’m leaving,” he replied. “None of what you said is true. You can leave here, or die. I’ve forgiven myself. If you get out of here, maybe you can find that path as well.”

Hux just sneered and took the seat opposite to him. His fear and indecision hung in the air like thick incense, clouding Ben’s mind at which feelings were his and which were the other man’s. Hux deserved to leave, but wouldn’t.

He knew that feeling and as much as it hurt, he respected it.

He’d tried his best.

In the dead silence of the conference room, Ben stood and left the storm of emotions, leaving the door unlocked.

Rey was in the lift when he went to enter the waiting craft, the countdown in the back of his mind. Just seeing and smelling and feeling her made his legs weak. He could finally be weak. He sagged into her arms as she started rattling off how many crew were leaving the ship and how little time they had. Then another annoying reminder burst through his mind.

“We can remotely blow up that thing,” he breathed into her neck, sucking in the dull scent of her cell. He should have killed that man. He should have killed them all for putting her there. But her heartbeat guided him back and he found his voice again. “Hux will still try to use it if he….”

She pushed him back and grinned, pulling a comm from her pocket. “Tell our fleet to blow it up.”

The lift shifting around them, he grinned at her and her tone. “Partners.”

He fell in love with her again at her smile. “Partners.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the kudos and comments - even if I haven't replied, I read them all and love all of the kudos. Seriously, every morning I love waking up to my kudos email! That's what keeps me going some days...and my some days I mean most of them. So sorry that this penultimate chapter has taken so long. I'm about to get into a really busy period at work so I don't know how this all will come off, but I want to let everyone who's been reading this have a little more before work drowns me again. You are all awesome for reading!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben deal with how the galaxy sees them now. And a choice is made.

Rey ran her hand through Ben’s hair and smiled, letting out a gentle sigh. He looked up, brown eyes crinkling with a question.

“I was just thinking,” she lifted her head to gaze around their barren apartment, “it’s so long now. You should hate it.”

He sat up, lifting his head from her legs. He’d carefully rested his head on her lap, careful of her large belly. The last months had not been filled with fighting, with one another or anyone else. Instead, they had been spent in endless meetings and committees. The legacy of being Leia’s son, along with her work for the New Republic, had saved him in the first few rounds. Then, his turn to the Resistance, had kept the steam going a few more weeks. But the questions began to rise as the politicians began to emerge and take their places of power. What good was done in the past began to be outweighed by the blood on his hands.

She had forgiven him. She would always forgive him, despite how she struggled to understand his motivations at times. That was until she realized that they were all about survival.

Their friends had forgiven him. The fact that they had _friends_ made it hard to accept the final fact: The galaxy, as a democracy, couldn’t forgive him.

He looked at her expressionlessly, but the touch of his mind told him what he was hiding.

“You should hate being this…big.” He tried to joke, but it was mostly to reply out loud. Other ears and eyes were listening and watching.

They had been sequestered as the trials drew closer. Lustration was the only recourse. There were too many members of the First Order either in custody or at large. Most of them had connections to The Empire.

This couldn’t be repeated.

Even though he was Leia’s son, he was still Darth Vader’s grandson.

She had glared at hard at the first panel of judges, when they were still acting as advisors, when the fact was brought up. It was easier for him to be accepted into the Resistance than with these men and women who had been cowards during the fighting. Those people who had ignored them during their times of need.

Their child couldn’t grow up with his father in prison. He couldn’t grow up with his father blacklisted, unable to get any job that was worthy of his skills and abilities. She felt selfish in that thought. She had grown up in a junk heap, scavenging to live. They could make it work. But as her child grew within her, she also wanted to break the cycle. He had grown up feeling both admiration and distance from his parents. She had grown up broken and alone, but with the instinct to always persevere. They weren’t the type of people to give up and they could make a life but it wasn’t one that she wanted for the life that she carried. Since she had been with him, she had learnt that she could be selfish. It frustrated her that there were people who had done nothing now telling them what to do. She wanted to walk away and leave Coruscant with a clean slate.

But Ben had accepted that fact. He was done fighting. She never thought that he would so quickly give in to what was demanded of him. He would drop his head and let the argument die. He would clench his hands, but still nod.

She felt the guilt bleed through their bond constantly.

She wanted to argue more for him; she couldn’t let him go.

That was another reason to have friends.

Especially ones that knew about a spot in the galaxy where no one could find them.

Getting to her feet, Rey forced herself to the small kitchen area. “Are you hungry?”

He had already stretched out on the tattered couch. The least they could do was give them some place real to live in.

“Chai,” he called. “I’m tired.”

“I know you are,” she said. She hummed to herself as she grabbed the jar from the cupboard. She looked beyond the container to the panel behind the shelf.

It was almost time.

The bags were packed, with only the things that they needed; he didn’t notice them. He had been moping around, mostly focused on making the baby’s room as perfect as he could. She withheld her anger at the fact that he was thinking that she would just stay there and not argue. The sentence could be one year, like some of the lower Troopers. It could be five years, like some of the middling people who had quickly deflected.

Or it could be twenty-five years.

Or a lifetime.

He mumbled something to himself and wandered to the small room where they had set up the nursery. She put the water to boil as she listened to him move something large across the room.

“What are you doing?”

He sighed, loudly. “It didn’t look right.”

She rolled her eyes and stroked her stomach.

The trial was next week.

There wasn’t much time left.

The small communicator that she had kept hidden in her boot started to hum.

It was time.

When the power cut out, she was surprised that he was instantly by her side.

“You couldn’t hide this from me,” he whispered, hooking a bag over her shoulder. “I don’t like it. But if it’s what you want to do…”

“It’s not what I want to do, it’s what we have to do,” she whispered, moving quickly to grab the bag with their weapons that she’d kept hidden for too many months. “I can’t lose you.”

He looked at her sternly, setting his jaw so she could hear his teeth grind together. “They’ll find us. And we won’t have a real life. Isn’t that what you also wanted?”

Rey shook her head. “There’s a big enough galaxy out there. Plenty of places to hide and be nobodies.”

The knock at the door didn’t surprise them. They had felt Rose and Poe coming down the hallway. Ben still levelled a long look at her before he nodded.

If the galaxy could pick and choose what it remembered and forgot, then they could pick and choose which rules to follow.

They would always be there when they chose to follow the path back when they were needed.

The politicians had messed up the process countless times before.

They weren’t hiding.

They were waiting.

“Come on, let’s go!” Poe’s voice called through the door.

She felt Rose’s nervousness, but it was dwarfed by Ben’s love for her and their child.

He agreed.

This wasn’t a true end.

It was just a break until the galaxy needed them again.

 

~~SLUT (Swedish for END)~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think that this story ever went how I wanted it to go. I want to go back and re-edit so MUCH of this. I don't think it really stands in comparison to Memories, but I tried to stretch myself by doing multiple perspectives. I loved the beginning of this. Now I'm glad to be done, I guess. 
> 
> Thanks for hanging in there with me! Much love, fam jam. I'm jet lagged, missing my family, and grieving a loss of a close mentor. Hopefully more chapters of everything else will come out of this emotional restlessness!


End file.
